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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29390802">with or without you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/brunetteandblond/pseuds/brunetteandblond'>brunetteandblond</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Band, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Shelby is an indie singer, Slow Burn, Toni is a lead singer of a rock/punk band, but do they???????, she is opening for Shelby, they hate each others music and each other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:22:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>48,104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29390802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/brunetteandblond/pseuds/brunetteandblond</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Toni's living the life she never thought she'd have. She's the lead singer of a queer punk rock band that consists of Rachel, the bassist, Dot, the drummer, and Leah, the lead guitarist/pianist. </p><p>When her manager, Fatin, tells her about opening for a tour, she jumps at the idea. The only problem is the band will be opening for Shelby Goodkind, an indie singer growing in popularity for her soft and sweet music. </p><p>Despite disliking each other's music and each other, Toni's band opens for Shelby. Slowly, they learn that they've got more in common than they thought. And maybe, just maybe, they learn to enjoy each other's company, too.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>222</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>507</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. do opposites really attract?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! In this fic, I'll be using a lot of music that is obviously not the characters' or mine. I've made a playlist so everyone can hear the songs they'd be playing!</p><p> </p><p>  <span><br/><a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=ZBmi3QCsQdyYOlX4Lgo_cQ">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=ZBmi3QCsQdyYOlX4Lgo_cQ</a><br/></span></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You gotta be fucking kidding me. Shelby Goodkind? As in the Shelby Goodkind who used to tour around churches and sing Christian music? <em> That </em>Shelby Goodkind?” </p><p>Toni was sure that she misheard what her manager had told her. It had happened before. Sometimes when Fatin was talking, she flat out stopped paying attention. It wasn’t like Toni disliked Fatin or even thought she was boring, but the twenty-four-year-old manager who somehow acted like everything she did was effortless was sometimes exhausting to be around. She hadn’t been selectively ignoring her this time, but she felt like she must have missed something. She knew there was no way Shelby Goodkind would want to be associated with Toni’s queer rock/punk band Diogenes. </p><p>“Don’t be a shithead, Toni,” Fatin said with an annoyed look that usually Toni enjoyed because it meant that she pissed her off the right amount. “Since you both are my clients, I suggested it to her after the band that was originally opening for her quit, and Shelby agreed to it. This is a chance for Diogenes to open on a two and a half long cross country tour.” </p><p>Toni didn’t get it. She thought it must have been some joke. She felt like Fatin was talking in a different language and everything she was saying was gibberish. </p><p>“Right, but we’re a hardcore rock bang singing about banging women. Why would this Shelby person let us open for her?” </p><p>Fatin narrowed her eyes at her. <em> “Maybe </em>because she knows this is an incredible opportunity for both of you. Both your band and Shelby are quickly growing in popularity. With a tour like this one, it could mean the start of everything you want.” </p><p>Toni turned to look at the rest of the band. Dot and Rachel were grinning and even Leah had a small smile on her face that she only got when she nailed lyrics. Before meeting Leah, Toni always thought she was the most depressing lyricist. Leah fucking proved her wrong. A lot of Leah’s work was a little too mopey for her, but she liked the angsty poetry of it all. </p><p>“Wait, you guys don’t think that this is totally wack? I mean, blondie is the total opposite of us. Don’t you think it might kill the vibe?” </p><p>“Toni, dude, it’s a tour,” Dot, the drummer of the band, remarked and threw a wrapper at Toni’s head. “You can’t be angry about a <em> tour.”  </em></p><p>She was wrong. Toni knew she could probably get angry about anything. Though, usually, she didn’t choose when she got angry. Most of the time, it just happened to her. The rage was like a forest fire inside of her. She could never control it. Tame it. What she was feeling right now wasn’t that. She knew that because nothing had gotten destroyed yet. </p><p>“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Dot’s right,” Rachel, who had just as much of a natural ability to piss people off as Toni, said with a shrug. “This is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for. I’m sure even Rilke can even see that.” </p><p>Leah, who had her own paranoid streak, gave Toni a sympathetic look. “This is good, Toni. People will actually <em> see </em>us. And as frightening as that is, we need it, you know?” </p><p>Toni ran her fingers through her dark curly hair and sighed with a slight grumble. She didn’t like signing up for something that might damage them in the long run (that damage being Shelby Goodkind), but she couldn’t argue with what her bandmates were saying. If they wanted to get anywhere, they needed an opportunity like this one. Even if that meant opening for an artist who went against everything that Toni stood for. </p><p>“Fucking hell. Are we really doing this?” Her bandmates were nodding along. </p><p>“I think we would be all be fucking idiots if we didn’t do it,” Rachel declared and gave Toni this <em> look. </em>Toni had known her long enough to know that the look meant that she was confident in her decision and that Toni should be too. </p><p>Rachel’s statement at least somewhat reassured her. She might have not trusted this Shelby Goodkind person, but she believed in her band. Other than Martha, they were the only people she believed in. They were the closest thing she had to family. </p><p>“Fuck. When does this tour start?” </p><p>Fatin grinned at them. Toni knew that this was just as much of a big deal for their manager as it was for them. Fatin was trying to make it in a male dominated industry. That might have been the only reason why they let Fatin become their manager. She was the only one who really understood what they were up against. </p><p>“Two weeks. I know it isn’t a lot of time to prepare you guys, but that’s what we got. Oh, and you guys can bring Martha and Nora. I know how important they are to you guys. It’ll be a packed bus and all but—” </p><p>“Are you coming with?” Leah asked suddenly, her cheeks suddenly pink. “Like, on the tour?” </p><p>Fatin, who always had a soft spot for the band’s lead guitarist and pianist, smiled and winked at her. “I wouldn’t miss it.” </p><p>The others, like Leah, trusted Fatin. Toni didn’t know how, but she was slowly realizing that she trusted the woman too. Maybe not with her personal life or some shit like that, but she trusted her with the band. Ever since Fatin became their manager, they got twice as many gigs and even started to make merch. Despite how intertwined Fatin was with the band, Toni didn’t feel like she knew anything other than the reason why she was becoming a manager had something to do with using it as a ‘fuck-you’ to her dad, which Toni thought was pretty punk of her. </p><p>“I’ll let you four talk about the tour while I talk to Shelby,” Fatin said as she headed toward the exit. “She’s going to be so excited when she hears this. I’ll ask her when she’s free. You should all meet before you have to practically live together on the bus or in motels.” </p><p>Toni was already dreading having to meet the blonde. Despite her no longer singing specifically Christian music, she figured part of her following were from religious folks and Toni just knew that could pose a problem. While she knew plenty of queer people who were religious, she just had a feeling that this wouldn’t work out the way they all wanted it to. </p><p>When Fatin had left the studio that they had been renting (before Fatin, they practiced in the garage of Martha’s parents’ house), Dot hopped off the stool she was on and declared, “I think we all deserve a drink.” </p><p>Toni had known her bandmates well enough to know that probably wasn’t a good idea. Problem numero uno was that Leah was only twenty and had a shitty fake ID. The second problem was Leah was a sloppy drunk. Dot usually ended up having to take care of her. The third problem was when Toni had a drink in her, she was much more likely to fuck someone. And that person was usually Rachel, who loved sex and hated relationships just as much as Toni. It wasn’t like fucking affected their relationship, she was just afraid that at some point it would. So the idea of going to a bar wasn’t very enticing. </p><p>“Instead,” Rachel started to say, beating Toni to it, “maybe we should actually start thinking of coming up with a set for the show. Two weeks isn’t a long time and we have to be prepared.” </p><p>Toni painfully had predicted every word that came out of the bassist’s mouth. She appreciated (hell, sometimes even admired) her friend’s tenacity when it came to the band, but damn, sometimes she just wanted to chill with her people. </p><p>“Rachel, you know you’re my favorite stickler,” Toni said with a cautious smile, “but we deserve one night off.” </p><p>Rachel crossed her arms and Toni could see the annoyance in her expand and start to take over. It used to freak her out, but she was used to Rachel being pissed off by the things she said at this point. “It doesn’t mat—” </p><p>“What about we go back to Toni’s place and ask Martha about what songs we should play?” Dot suggested quickly before it got more heated. “That way we can kinda get the idea of what songs we should start practicing tomorrow.” </p><p>Rachel stared at the drummer with narrowed eyes and a frown. Toni knew that meant she was giving in. So she turned her attention to Leah, who was already reading a book. It almost made her smile. Leah got herself into plenty of arguments with Rachel and the others over the years, but if she wasn’t involved, she liked to tune it all out. </p><p>“Fuck, whatever,” Rachel muttered, “but we’re practicing all day tomorrow. Got it?” </p><p>“Sir, yes, Sir,” Toni replied with a messy salute that made Dot snort. Rachel just rolled her eyes, but Toni was sure that when the woman turned around, she would be smiling. </p><p>As they started to head out, Leah mumbled, “I think I might just go home.” </p><p>Toni knew that was the last thing Leah should do. She knew Leah for the least amount of time, but she could tell when she started to sink. She could see it in her eyes. It was always this dark look. Almost like she was seeing a ghost. </p><p>Grabbing onto Leah’s arm, Toni announced, “You’re coming back with us, dude. We can’t celebrate without you. Besides, you and I both know that our best fucking lyrics come after two in the morning.”</p><p>Leah’s blue eyes found hers and Toni could see the pain in them. She recognized it, knowing she sometimes saw it in her own reflection. Toni gave her a small nod, reassuring her that she really wanted her around.</p><hr/><p>“You’re kiddin’ me.” Shelby almost dropped her phone onto the keys of her piano. “They said yes?” </p><p>
  <em> “Oh my God, why does everyone have that reaction. Toni, the lead singer of Diogenes that I was telling you about, said the same thing. But yes, they said yes, Shelby. Diogenes will be opening for you.”  </em>
</p><p>Shelby sighed from relief after hearing Fatin’s words. After the last band backed out, she was afraid no one would open for her. And she honestly thought that the punk rock band might not agree to it. Fatin had nothing but good things to say about the band, but there was this pit in her stomach full of anxiety. </p><p>“Thank the Lord. I can sleep easy tonight.” </p><p>
  <em> “Totally. Hey, when are you free to meet them? Do you wanna grab dinner with them or something? They’re cheap assholes, but I’m sure they’d be down for that.” </em>
</p><p>Shelby’s heart raced. She knew she would have to meet the band at some point, but the idea still terrified her. She hadn’t listened to any of Diogenes’ songs, but she knew of their reputation. Philly had a music scene, but it was small. Tight-knit. Everyone pretty much knew everyone. She heard that they were intense. Not wild, exactly, but hardcore. Refusing to sing anything remotely close to pop. </p><p>And then there was Toni Shalifoe, who was known for her epic husky singing voice and her stage presence. Shelby heard that one time, Toni took off her bra during a show and threw it at a fan after the fan had thrown her bra at her. She also knew that the woman would also perform a lot in athletic shorts and a loose tank top. When it was colder, she heard she wore a lot of leather. In her mind, Toni was the exact person her parents were terrified of. But that was mostly because Toni Shalifoe was lesbian. </p><p>“Right. Well, Fatin, I can honestly be free whenever. You know my schedule as well as I do.” </p><p>
  <em> “True that. Alright, how about Saturday night? You don’t have a gig that night, right?”  </em>
</p><p>Shelby didn’t have to even think about it. She always had her schedule memorized. As busy as things had gotten since her songs started going viral, she always had her days mapped out. It kept her feeling in control. </p><p>“Correct. Hey, uh, Fatin. I don’t have to bring Andrew on the tour, right?” </p><p>Despite the fact that Andrew was the best banjo player she had ever heard, there was no way she wanted to be in the same room as him. She had only just ended their relationship a month ago after being together for two years. </p><p><em> “You don’t have to bring anyone you don’t want to bring, sweetie. Hell, you can go on stage alone if you want. You know that. Your fans love </em> you, <em> Shelby Goodkind. That’s why you have your own hashtag. Hey, I gotta go, but I’m so happy for you, alright? This is going to be amazing. You’re amazing. Talk to you later, alright, babe?”  </em></p><p>Fatin hung up and Shelby put down her phone and looked around her tiny apartment with almost a twinge of sadness. There wasn’t anyone she could really celebrate with. It wasn’t like she didn’t have friends, but those were people she was slowly feeling like she couldn’t relate to anymore. She didn’t even know if she <em> liked </em>them anymore. </p><p>They were the kind of people her parents wanted her to like. They were all like Andrew. Christian, sang country music, and were constantly on social media pretending to be more than what they were. Shelby could fit in with that crowd. She always could. She just couldn’t take it anymore. </p><p>She thought about texting her parents, but she was worried they were going to ask questions. She told them about the tour, but only in the most basic terms. She didn’t tell them that her new songs weren’t like her others. She was too afraid after their horrible reaction to her breaking up with Andrew, who they hoped she would marry. She didn’t tell them why she never called anymore. </p><p>Instead of wallowing like she knew she could do well, she grabbed her keys and headed out. In the last month when she mostly stopped hanging with her fake friends, she started going to this underground cafe where people sang songs and recited poetry. Shelby felt calm there. At peace. She never performed and no one ever asked her to. It was the one place where she wouldn’t get strange stares and questions about if she was the blonde who sang that one song. </p><p>When she stepped inside of the establishment, she felt like she could breathe again. She ordered a chai tea and sat in her normal spot by the window. She could just sit and watch people perform one by one by one. </p><p>Fiddling with her cross necklace, she watched as one performer, who called themselves Payne, really grabbed a hold of her attention. When they started strumming their guitar, Shelby knew that they knew what they were doing. It was a soft song that they sang. “Alison” by Elvis Costello. It was gorgeous. She was floored. </p><p>When they were done, Shelby walked over to them, not knowing what the hell she was going to say when she got there. She just knew she had to talk to them. When Payne sat down at a table with someone else, she approached them. </p><p>“Hi, sorry, good Lord this is really awkward, but I thought you were really great up there.” </p><p>Payne looked at her for a second as if she was trying to figure out where she had seen her from and then she grinned. “Holy shit, you’re Shelby Goodkind.” </p><p>Shelby smiled and chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah, I am. Are you performin’ at all? Making any music?” </p><p>Payne shook their head. “I mean, not really. I’m in school most of the year. And right now, I’m working during the day.” </p><p>“Okay, but Payne <em> should </em>be performing,” Payne’s friend said and patted their back. “I’ve been telling them this forever.” </p><p>“Oh,” Shelby muttered, a little bummed. “I’m actually goin’ on tour and I’m looking for someone to play with me. I know this is random and all but—” </p><p>“Wait,” Payne interrupted, “you’re asking me?” </p><p>Shelby shrugged, not realizing she was asking until she said it. “I was thinkin’ maybe we could practice a little and see how things go? But if you can’t, I completely understand.” </p><p>“Payne’s not going to say no to that!” Payne’s friend said again and nudged her friend. “Right Payne?” </p><p>They smiled sheepishly. “Yes. Totally yes. When and where?” </p><p>Shelby gave her possible new friend her number and said that she’d let them know. “Just so you know, the tour is in two and a half weeks. I know that’s pretty soon but—” </p><p>“It’s the summer. I can drop everything right now. I gotta get going, but thank you. Even if this doesn’t work out, it means the world that <em> you </em>think I have any talent whatsoever.” </p><p>“You have so much talent,” Shelby corrected them, feeling content in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time.</p><p>After saying goodby, she walked back home wondering if she met someone who might become one of her first real friends.</p><hr/><p>“YOU’RE OPENING FOR SHELBY GOODKIND?!” </p><p>Toni was expecting her best friend to be excited, but she didn’t expect Martha to shout about Shelby Goodkind. Hell, she didn’t even think she would recognize the name. But the way she shouted it made it seem like she more than recognized the name. </p><p>“Um, yeah… why?” </p><p>Martha, who had her hands on Toni’s shoulders, shook her. “Shelby is awesome, Toni! Her music is so <em> inspiring. </em>Haven’t you heard the song “up the walls?” I feel like you’d like it!” </p><p>Toni looked around at her bandmates, who were laughing on the couch about something they were looking at on Leah’s phone while Dot was smoking pot. “Um, no. I don’t think she’s really my vibe, you know?” </p><p>Martha rolled her eyes at her. “Come on, Toni. You have to give her a chance. You’re going to be opening for her.” </p><p>“You can like her enough for the both of us, right? You’re going to get to meet her. Fatin even said you could come on tour. She knows you’re, like, my emotional support person.” </p><p>Her best friend gaped at her. “I can go? Wait, how long is it? Does it end before school starts back up?” </p><p>Toni nodded. Out of the five of them, Martha, who was twenty-two like Toni, and Leah were the only two still in college. Martha was planning on becoming a vet. It was a dream that Martha had since she was a child. Toni knew even when she was a kid that Martha would achieve her dream.</p><p>“We’ll be done by the middle of August. Perfect timing, am I right?” </p><p>Martha squealed in response. “I can’t believe this. We have to call mom! She’ll be so proud of you!” </p><p>Toni smiled, but only for a second. Martha’s mom, Bernice, was one of the few people who gave a shit about Toni. Hell, she was sure that Bernice cared about her more than her own parents did. But Bernice wasn’t her mom. As much as she wished she was, she wasn’t. That fucking hurt. </p><p>“Yeah, we’ll call her tomorrow, aight? Let’s just celebrate tonight. I’ll go grab some beers from the fridge. You get the Uno?” </p><p>Martha grinned at her. “Perfect!” </p><p>“Wicked. Let me just go to the bathroom. I’ll be back in a sec.” As Toni headed to the tiny bathroom in their small apartment, she shouted to her friends on the couch, “Go help Martha get Uno set up, losers. Or were you planning on sitting around all night?” </p><p>She heard a cacophony of responses such as “fuck you” from Rachel and “what snacks you got” from Dot as she headed to the bathroom. She snickered and closed the door to the bathroom to have a second to breathe. She took out her phone and went straight to YouTube. Pressing her lips together, she typed the name of the song that Martha had mentioned. Going to the first result, she found a video of a blonde strumming on her guitar. Her straight blonde hair was falling into her face slightly, but Toni could tell that the woman was beautiful. In a very annoying way. A very Barbie way. She hated that her voice was gorgeous and that her pitch was perfect and— </p><p>“Toni! What are you doing in there?!” </p><p>Toni jumped up and flushed the toilet. </p><p>“Fuck.”</p><hr/><p>After rewatching a season of her comfort show, <em> One Tree Hill, </em> Shelby laid in her bed and felt restless. She couldn’t tell if she was excited about the tour or just plain anxious. She guessed it was probably the latter. She knew that theoretically when her songs started to gain popularity, a tour must have been in the future, but now that it was for sure happening, she was starting to wonder if this was a bad idea. </p><p>For one thing, she wasn’t sure what would happen when she played her new music that was <em> very </em>different from the music she usually played. It was more honest. More raw. She knew that some people who loved her would abandon her. But Fatin told her that it was a good idea. And she trusted Fatin. </p><p>But the other problem was her parents. Her parents knew only slightly about the tour, and knew nothing about her new music or the band she would probably be associated with for a long time. Their reaction to her breaking up with Andrew was bad enough. She didn’t want them to find out about this. She knew that they’d find out eventually, but she was just pushing that date as far back as possible. She knew what could happen when they heard her new songs. </p><p>She checked her social media and replied to a bunch of fans that sent her sweet messages in her DMs. Fatin had suggested that she not reply to her fans, but Shelby couldn’t help it. Most of them were just too nice. Of course, there were a few mean messages, but they weren’t worse than the things she heard in high school those few years ago. </p><p>And then she checked her text messages. She had thirteen messages from Andrew. Shelby didn’t have to read them. She knew what they said. They were the same ones over and over again. Meaningless apologies and I miss you. Shelby thought that was rich. When they were dating, Andrew never apologized to her once. She was pretty sure he didn’t even like her. He just liked how he got more of a Twitter following. </p><p>Grasping her necklace, she went to Diogenes’ Instagram. There were plenty of goofy pictures of the band, but there were mostly videos of them performing in grungy bars. Knowing the band’s reputation, she was worried about playing a song. But then again, she knew she’d have to listen to them play almost every day for months. </p><p>She picked the song with the most innocent title. “Circles.” The four of them started to play and Shelby was immediately entranced. Before the lead singer even started to sing, she could tell that the band had great chemistry. The lead singer, Toni, was joking around with the bassist. Then, she put her mouth close to the mic and said, “This is for all you asshole men out there.” There were a few claps before she started singing: </p><p>
  <em>“Why’re you such a misogynist, I would rather slit my throat than be stuck in a house with you.” </em>
</p><p>Shelby paused the song and frowned and dropped her phone onto her bedsheet. She didn’t know what in the world she was getting herself into. She just knew it probably wouldn't be good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. uninvited</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shelby meets the band. </p>
<p>Toni wants to make a bad first impression.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Once again, all the songs I talk about Shelby and the band singing are already songs! If you want to hear them, here's the playlist:</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=U30SSZLUSJWCu8S9txguNw">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=U30SSZLUSJWCu8S9txguNw</a>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Toni woke up with neck pain. She blinked a few times and realized her head was resting on Leah’s thigh. Wiping away the drool as subtly as she could off of Leah’s pants, she sat up and rubbed her eyes. She had no idea what time it was. After yawning and considering laying back down on Leah’s thigh (which wasn’t that uncomfortable, actually), she looked around the living room. Martha was snoring on the small rug while Rachel and Dot were sleeping on the couch. Toni snickered. She took a picture of the scene and then threw a gummy bear at Dot’s head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the—” Dot rubbed her forehead and glared at Toni, who grinned back at her. “You’re dead, Shalifoe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Out of all the band members, she had known Dot the longest. When Toni moved to Philly along with Martha, who was going to Drexel, she met Dot at an open mic kinda thing. Dot was performing with a different band at the time when Toni saw her play. Immediately, Toni noticed that Dot’s band was average but that Dot was wicked good. After they played, she approached her and asked her to join her instead. Dot snickered and walked away. Dot changed her mind when she actually heard Toni sing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni liked Dot because she never had to explain herself to her. She never had to come out or inform her of her tragic backstory or anything like that. Dot just took her for who she was and Toni did the same thing for her. Of course, after being friends for four years, they knew a lot about each other’s pasts. Toni would never admit it, but she thought that they found each other at the perfect time. Like it was fate or some shit. (Not that she believed in such a thing.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who’s dead?” Leah asked and sat up from the pillow on the hardwood floor she was sleeping on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot pointed to Toni. “She woke me up with this.” She held up the gummy bear and ate it. “I could have solidly slept another hour. Shit, did Netflix play through the rest of the episodes?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had fallen asleep while watching </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wynonna Earp, </span>
  </em>
  <span>one of the few shows they could all agree on watching. It had something for everyone. Queer women for Toni, Waverly for Martha, angst for Leah, epic fight scenes for Rachel, and a hot ass cast for Dot, who was attracted to almost everyone on the show. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah,” Toni replied, “it probably did that thing where it asked if we were still watching. Judgmental fuckers.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni checked her phone. Three texts from Fatin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ma-ma-manager: U free for dinner tonight @ 7 to meet with shelby? El Vez? </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ma-ma-manager: Toni am I going to have to text Rachel or Leah?</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ma-ma-manager: Guessing that’s a yes. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yo, Leah, did Fatin text you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah checked her phone. Smiling slightly, she nodded. “El Vez at seven?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do we even really have a fucking choice?” Toni muttered under her breath and pulled her hair into a messy bun. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, your mindset is, like, totally off about this,” Dot said with an exasperated sigh. “This is going to be so good for us. And you’re acting like you already know that Shelby’s not a good person. She might be super chill.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni rolled her eyes. “I’ve got a bad vibe about her, man, I don’t know.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re sounding like paranoid Leah right now,” Dot replied matter-of-factly before turning to Leah. “No offense.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah shrugged and stood up. “Honestly, none taken. Toni... it’s going to be okay. And honestly, if we all get weird vibes or whatever from Shelby after we meet her, we can always back out.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes Toni looked at the twenty-year-old and felt like she was wise beyond her years. Leah once confessed to her while they were writing a song that she felt like she was extremely old sometimes. Toni could sense it in her. Not just in her intelligence, but with her exhaustion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, whatever,” Toni said, knowing that she wasn’t going to get anywhere with this. “Do you all think we should wake Rachel up? She’s going to be pissed that it’s already late ass morning.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah grumbled in response as she walked to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. Dot winced and looked in a different direction. Toni snorted. Dot was practically fearless in a lot of ways (Dot’s usual motto was “what have I got to lose?”), but she didn’t like to mess with a sleep deprived Rachel Reid. No one wanted to do that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Toni turned to glance at her snoring best friend, it hit her. “You know what? I got a plan.” She went over to Martha and leaned down close to her head. She whispered, “Is that Marcus over there?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha jumped up, shouting, “Where? Where is he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni tried her hardest not to laugh. Marcus was this guy that Martha had been crushing on for the last year. Toni actually met the guy and didn’t completely hate him, though she did pester him for hours to see how long he would last. She was actually kind of impressed. He never snapped at her once. And he was really sweet to Martha. Toni suggested to her best friend to ask him out, but Martha was convinced he didn’t like her. Toni was sure that she was wrong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck, Martha!” Rachel shouted as she sat up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to!” Martha said with a groan. “I guess I woke up from a dream or something.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel didn’t yell at her, just as Toni suspected. Rachel was unafraid to tear into her bandmates, but she never went after Martha. Toni didn’t know if that was because Rachel, like everyone, thought that Martha was the kindest person on the planet, or because Rachel knew that deep down, if she said anything mean to Martha, Toni would retaliate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Christ, what time is it?” Rachel rubbed her eyes and checked her Fitbit. “Fucking hell. We should have gone to the studio like two hours ago. Fuck. Can I borrow some clothes, Shalifoe? I really don’t want to go back to my apartment.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel shared an apartment with her twin sister, Nora, who would have celebrated with them last night if it wasn’t for the fact that Quinn, her boyfriend, was staying over. Toni knew that Rachel was not a big fan of him. At all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Don’t want to run into your favorite person, Quinn? You scared of him, Reid?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel glared at her. “Fuck you, first of all. Second of all, I just don’t like being around him. You’ve all met him. He’s just… off.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought he was nice,” Leah said from the kitchen, her mouth full of cereal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you thought that, Rilke,” Rachel muttered under her breath. “Yo, Toni, are you going to share some clothes with me or what?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni rolled her eyes. “Jesus, you’re naggy this morning. Christ. Some people, like Leah and Dot, just wear the clothes they were already wearing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel shoved her. “I’m not some slob, Shalifoe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni grinned at her and poked Rachel’s ribs. This was war.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know what was more shocking: Payne’s quick ability to harmonize with her or the fact that Payne actually knew some of her songs. They were singing her most popular song “Your Light” and Shelby just knew that it was right. That she had somehow found the right person to sing with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When this song came out,” Payne told her when the two of them finished singing it, “I was going through it. I was going through a nasty break-up with a boyfriend who got all weird when I told him I was non-binary, you know? And this song said all the things I was thinking. Sorry, is that too sappy?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby tried to smile and shake her head, but she felt her heart start to beat rapidly. She kept thinking about what her parents would think if they knew she was having this conversation. She could even picture her father’s reaction. His baffled and angry disappointment. He looked at her like that once. She never wanted him to look at her like that again.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, sorry,” she stated with a forced chuckle. “I don’t think that’s too sappy. I’m glad it meant somethin’ to you. It meant somethin’ to me, too.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne nodded. “Was it about your boyfriend? Andrew, right?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby bit her lip. She never wrote any of her music about Andrew, but she told Payne the same thing she told everyone. That it was all for him. It was easier than telling the truth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry to hear you two aren’t together anymore. Though I got to say, I am thankful I get to be his replacement. Speaking of, I saw the announcement on Twitter about who’s now opening for you. I—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, what?” Shelby did a double-take and immediately checked her phone. Fatin, who had access to her Twitter, made the announcement about Diogenes opening up for her. “Oh, Lord. I haven’t told my parents yet.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne furrowed their eyebrows. “You didn’t tell them who’s opening for you? Why does that matter?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby ran her fingers through her straight blonde hair and groaned. She didn’t want to have to explain that her parents not only thought punk rock music was the devil’s music, but that her parents would be furious to find out a queer band was opening for her. It wasn’t like the band hid that fact. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They… they just don’t like it when they find somethin’ out on social media about me before I tell them.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, gotcha. If you want to call them or something, I’ll wait for you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby shook her head. Though grateful for the offer, she knew what a call would entail. A long interrogation that she was desperately avoiding. She just wanted to avoid it a little longer. Well, as long as she could. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s all fine and dandy. Thank you kindly. I appreciate it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne snorted. “No problem. But speaking of the band, have you seen them perform yet? They’re insanely good. I feel like I’m in love with every member of the band. They’re all crazy talented and crazy hot.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t want to even consider if any of them were attractive. “I haven’t seen them perform, no. I’m supposed to meet them tonight for the first time.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne gaped at her. “That’s so exciting. You’re going to have to tell me what Toni’s like. I mean, I know I’ll meet her eventually, but still. She’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>cool. I heard that one time someone shouted a slur at her and that she walked over and made out with the bassist.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chewed her cheek and nodded along. In the back of her mind, she could still hear what she would have said a few years ago. The kind of words her parents taught her. That her church taught her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll let you know if she does somethin’ similar at dinner.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne frowned slightly. “Shelby, are you okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blonde was caught off guard. Only one person cared about her enough to really ask her that before. But she didn’t want to think about her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Payne, are you sure you want to tour with me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They nodded, their tight curls falling into their eyes. “I’m in, Shelby.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby rubbed the palms of her hands against her skirt. She knew that she had to do this. That if someone was going to sing and play with her, she needed to let them know what she was exactly singing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’m not… I’m not really singing the songs that have gone viral on tour. I mean, maybe a few of ‘em, but I’ve got new songs. That are… very different.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne was staring at her like they were trying to compute what she wasn’t saying. “Well, I’d love to hear them if you’re ready.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby hadn’t performed any of her new songs in front of anyone before. She was too afraid. Of what, she wasn’t exactly sure. People’s reactions, probably. She was afraid they’d look at her differently. Talk to her differently. Love her differently. Or, not at all anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wanted to start strumming her guitar, but her hands remained frozen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Later,” she promised and tried to smile. “I promise.” </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>When they practiced, it was usually a mess. Rachel had this belief that every time they messed up, they should completely start over. Every. Time. Toni would always tell her “but the Grateful Dead fucked up plenty and that’s what made them so much more relatable to their fans” and Rachel would always counter that with “but we’re not the fucking Grateful Dead.” They would usually fight for ten minutes until Dot shouted and got them to just start playing again. Because when they were playing, everything was always alright. They were in sync. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were practicing their new songs and a few covers that always got an audience to fall in love with them. Toni was sweating, moving around like she normally would be in a concert. She always liked to move. She knew that performing was more than about singing or screaming, it was about being a character. Making the audience believe every word she was saying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Singing one of her favorite songs that she wrote with Leah, “Too Late,” she felt the music in her bones. They nailed the song after the seventh try. The covers, which they had been playing since the beginning, was a little easier to get right. “Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana was a must for them. It was the first song that they all learned and played together as a complete group. After that, they had a few other options for covers. “Steady, As She Goes” by The Raconteurs was usually a fan favorite. When they were really feeling it and connecting with a crowd, they performed “Rebel Girl” by Bikini Kill. “Has It Hit You?” by The Regrettes, “Read My Mind” by The Killers, and “Turn It Off” by Paramore were always options too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They usually played different songs depending on the vibes they got. Toni could tell when people were feeling certain things and when they weren’t. Usually these days, they got gigs where their queerness was accepted, but there were times in Toni’s past where it seriously wasn’t and she had to change her plans rapidly to get paid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, how’s your voice?” Dot asked after Toni nearly downed half a bottle of water. “We’ve been at it for hours. You sure you want to keep going?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni turned around and grinned at her drummer. “I’m okay, Mama Bear. Wanna practice “Run With The Rhythm?” It’s a little calmer.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, wait, though,” Rachel said while checking her Fitbit. “It’s almost 6:15. Maybe we should go back to our places and get ready and—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanted to practice all day, Reid.” Toni wiggled her eyebrow playfully at the woman who was glaring at her. She knew she was challenging her, but she liked to mess with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fatin’s going to be pissed if we’re late,” Leah pointed out with crossed arms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s one of our new songs,” Toni groaned, wishing that at least one person would be on her side. “Let’s just try it once. See if it’s ready to actually perform. Then we can go. I promise.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s do it,” Rachel said with a determined grin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni smiled and pointed to Leah, who started to strum her guitar slowly, which was different than how most of her songs started. Toni then started to sing with Leah on back-up vocals. For a second, she felt like she and Leah were the only two people on the planet. But quickly after, Dot and Rachel joined in at the chorus and Toni got to belt it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt electric. Like she could do anything. She never wanted the song to end. And looking around the room, she was sure her bandmates felt the same way.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby, who was wearing a loose sleeveless dress that went down to her knees, smiled when she saw Fatin in the restaurant. After Shelby stopped touring churches and started actually wanting to make her own music, managers from all over the place came crawling. Most of them were managers of evangelical talent. Fatin was the only one who wasn’t. The only one who listened to what she wanted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her parents were terrified when they met Fatin. And when she arrived at the restaurant and saw Fatin in her red crop top and tight skirt, she remembered why. Fatin was always unapologetic about her style and personality. It was what made her such a wonderful manager. But it also made her someone her parents couldn’t trust. Her parents said that they thought Fatin was “too proud of her sins.” Shelby had to make a lot of excuses to her parents about why she wanted her as her manager. She hated that she had to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn, Shelby. You look </span>
  <em>
    <span>hot, </span>
  </em>
  <span>girl.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby blushed at the compliment as she sat down next to her manager. “Thanks, Fatin. You look pretty, too. Lord, I hope I’m not too early.” She suddenly felt very warm. She felt like she was on stage with bright lights on her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin shook her head. “Nope, you’re right on time. The band… they have a habit of being late. Especially if they’re traveling as a group.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby nodded, trying to not let her nerves swallow her whole. “I found somebody to perform with me for the tour. Payne Robinson. They’re really amazin’, Fatin, I can’t wait for you to see us play together.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin grinned at her. “Shelby! That’s great news! I’m so glad you found someone you’re comfortable performing with. Your ex, Andrew, was texting me, like, non-stop about the tour. Don’t worry, I shut him down. And I called him a dick, so…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh…” Shelby facepalmed. “I’m so sorry, Fatin. I wasn’t textin’ him, so I guess he turned to—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, sweetie, don’t apologize. Seriously. That guy is so not worth it. This tour is about you, Shelby. Leave all the other shit behind, you know?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know if she was good or bad at that. She was good at clinging to the words her father spoke. She was </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>good at internalizing them. At one point she felt like his words were branded in her mind. But there were other parts of her life that she tried her hardest to ignore. She thought it worked, most of the time. But sometimes, if she wasn’t concentrating hard enough, she remembered things she wanted to forget. Especially </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Fatin continued, “easier said than done. I really shouldn’t be talking. I literally got into this career out of petty revenge.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know much about Fatin. She just knew that her father was a tycoon in the music industry and that Fatin was out to prove something to him. Shelby didn’t know how one got the courage to do such a thing, but she never knew how to ask. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then she saw them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The band. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was Leah, who was wearing leggings and an old knitted sweater, Rachel, who was wearing what looked like clothes one would wear when they go out on a jog, Dot, who was wearing a Soundgarden t-shirt and cargo pants, and Toni, who was wearing a baggy tank top, boxers, and crocs. For someone who was practically wearing pajamas, Shelby thought that Toni looked incredibly confident.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So fucking sorry, Fatin,” Toni apologized and wiped her forehead that was covered with sweat. Shelby noticed when she got closer that she was pretty tiny. She learned that the woman didn’t need height to have a huge presence. “We didn’t have time to get back and change and—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin rolled her eyes and harrumphed. “Uh-huh. Sit your asses down. This is Shelby Goodkind. Shelby, this is the band.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby smiled and waved, remembering what her mother said about making good first impressions. “How do you do?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m Dot,” the drummer greeted and sat down next to her. “It’s really cool to finally meet you. But I feel like it’s my duty to tell you that we’re practically children and we’re bad at meeting new people. Toni especially.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The lead singer flipped her off. “Fuck off, Dot.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby was caught a little off guard by the brunette, though, she realized that she probably should have expected this. She heard that Toni used a lot of profanity in her music. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Shelby,” Leah greeted and pushed some of her hair behind her ear. “Honestly, you can just ignore the others. I do.” She didn’t really seem like she fit in with the rest of them. Shelby guessed that meant that she would probably get along with her the most. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin smiled at both of them. “Shelby, Leah, here, is one of the geniuses behind Diogenes’ lyrics. A lot of the time she collaborates with Toni but—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If it’s angsty as fuck, it’s probably a Leah lyric,” Toni interrupted while stuffing a tortilla chip into her mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby got the feeling that Toni didn’t like her. The brunette barely wouldn’t even look at her while she talked. It was unnerving and frustrating. Shelby tried to push those feelings down and keep a smile on her face. She was always good at that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not even true, Toni,” Rachel argued with an eye roll. “Your lyrics are just as messed up as Rilke’s. Honestly, Goodkind, all you need to know about us is that Toni is a goddamn liar.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shrugged like she didn’t care. “You forgot the fact that I’m also a heartbreaker and ladykiller.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby couldn’t help but frown at that. She didn’t know how anyone could be proud of a fact like that one. Shelby didn’t like her attitude. Toni came off having an ‘I don’t give an eff” kinda personality. Shelby thought that was problematic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please,” Rachel snorted, “don’t flatter yourself.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yo, what are we chowing down on, Fatin?” Dot asked as she browsed through the menu. “Did you already order for us? I’m starving. We had pretzels and stale rice krispy treats for lunch.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That sounds incredibly nutritious,” Fatin joked with an ease that Shelby was jealous of. “No, we didn’t order for you. I may think you are all children but that doesn’t mean I’ll treat you all like them.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby couldn’t help but glance up at Toni while trying to look at the menu. She and Rachel were apparently playing this game where they would fight each try to figure out what song was playing in the restaurant first. The lead singer was sitting on one of her feet and she was drinking ginger ale faster than Shelby thought ever possible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, I know this song!” Toni shouted as she curled her hands up into fists. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This song is totally not your kinda music,” Rachel argued with a snort. “I don’t know how you’d know it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, do you live in my brain, Reid?” Toni asked her. “‘Cause I had no fucking idea.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby blurted, “It’s “Voice Inside My Head” by The Dixie Chicks. Well, I guess The Chicks, now.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni finally looked at her, but it was a look of annoyance or anger or something like that. Shelby gulped. She felt like she was getting dissected with one look. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s right,” Leah muttered, not even looking up from the menu. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni looked away. “Thanks, Blondie.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel hummed. “Guess you have a point, Goodkind. Keep track. Toni and I are only a few points off. But I’m in the lead.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or don’t keep track of the points,” Dot suggested with a shrug. “They literally take all the fun out of it by making it into a competition.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A competition is what makes it fun,” Rachel argued and sat back in her chair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do like a friendly competition,” Shelby told them, trying to get them to relate to her in any way possible. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Toni thought that Shelby was exactly the kind of person who would haven’t sat next to her in high school out of the fear of catching “the gay” as if it was contagious. She was the kind of girl to marry her high school boyfriend and give her dad a hug every day before school. Popular, wealthy, and based on the cross dangling around her neck, religious. She knew she had been around enough people like this to never feel the need to communicate with one again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, instead, she focused on the food on her plate. She wouldn’t call it pouting, per se, but she was sure that was what Fatin would end up calling it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you so much, dude,” Dot told Shelby honestly with a grateful smile. “I know it was probably Fatin’s idea to have us open, but you still had to agree to it. We’re not always good at showing appreciation, but we’re super thankful.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blonde smiled at her and Toni wanted to barf. “No need to thank me, Dot. Seriously. We all did the work to get here.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni couldn’t believe that. She couldn’t imagine the blonde putting in as much work as she did with her music. She had to fight like hell to get here. She was sure the princess didn’t have to fight at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your lyrics in “up the walls” are really good,” Leah told the Texan (Dot and Shelby spent like fifteen minutes talking about growing up in Texas) with a small smile. “They’re really different from all your other songs.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby’s smile faltered, Toni noticed, but only for a second. Toni wanted to know what the woman was thinking. She wondered if there were secrets that the blonde was keeping after all. She wondered what kind of secrets a woman like her could have. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, thank you, Leah. I’m glad you like it. I received a lot of angry DMs after releasin’ that song. Since it’s… you know… not particularly happy.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni wanted to scoff at that. She couldn’t imagine what a girl like her would be sad about. Having too much money, probably. Or maybe having too much of her family’s love and attention. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah shrugged. “Life’s too short to write happy songs all the time.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby nodded. “I agree. I’ll actually be playin’ mostly new music for this tour. A lot more music like “up the walls.” I might lose all my fans but—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby, stop,” Fatin interrupted. “If you lose fans, then you lose them. Fuck ‘em. But you’re going to gain so many more. Don’t even worry about it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni couldn’t help it. “Yeah, but like also, gotta be real, I’m sure my queerness will scare a lot of your fans away anyway first. I’m not gonna hide it, by the way. I’m not going to pretend I’m straight so that—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would never ask you to do that,” Shelby interrupted with a serious glare. It was almost as if she was offended, which kinda shocked her. Toni was surprised by how intense her green eyes could be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was silent for a few minutes. Fatin was making this face at her like she expected her to apologize, but there was no way in hell that she was going to do that. She wanted this blonde priss to know exactly who she was. Even if that meant being even more of an asshole than usual. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. crawling in my skin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Toni and Shelby go their separate ways for the night. That doesn't mean they don't think about each other.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, everyone! This chapter mentions songs that are by other bands, but the lyrics are all mine! They might suck, but oh well. We're going with it. </p>
<p>Here's the playlist of songs Diogenes and Shelby sing!</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=r-ahL150SXaOjNz_hEvEUw">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=r-ahL150SXaOjNz_hEvEUw</a>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>It wasn’t a complete bust,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shelby decided when she closed the door to her apartment, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but it wasn’t great either. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She felt like she got along with Leah and Dot just fine. She couldn’t get a good indication from Rachel about how she felt about her. But Toni? Shelby thought that Toni could be a problem. It was obvious to her that the brunette didn’t like her. More than obvious. Shelby cringed just thinking about the looks that Toni gave her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her phone buzzed. Afraid it was her parents, she sighed at the relief that it was just her manager. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Fatin:  I hope tonight wasn’t too stressful. You handled it great. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Fatin: Also, don’t worry about Toni. She’s like that with everyone at the beginning. </b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>slightly </span>
  </em>
  <span>reassuring. But only a little. Shelby was used to people liking her. Or at least, she was used to people liking the “her” that she let people see. It had taken her a really long time for her to realize that who she was and who she was around people weren’t the same. She didn’t really know who she was until she met the only person who tried to see the real her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then she got it. The call she was avoiding. She knew she would, she just hoped it wouldn’t have come this soon. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, daddy.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi, darlin’. You got me and your mama here.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shelby shuddered at the sound of his voice. His voice used to be one that could settle her down, make her feel immediately better. Now, the sound of his voice just made her feel on edge. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“How’re you doin’?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t sound angry, which should have made her feel better, but it didn’t. She knew her father well enough to know that sometimes when he sounded the most in control of his emotions was when he was the angriest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m doing well. Prep for the tour is goin’ well. How’s Melody and Spencer?” She wanted the conversation to be off of her as soon as possible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Your siblings are doing well,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>her mom answered sweetly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“They miss you, of course. Just like we do. You sure you can’t convince your manager to perform in Texas?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chuckled awkwardly. She had made Fatin promise to not make her perform in Texas. She knew her parents wouldn’t travel a large distance to see her perform. At least, she hoped so. But they would have seen her if she toured in Texas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Unfortunately not. I don’t think we can fit that into our schedule. But I definitely asked.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, it doesn’t sound like your manager really listens to you, darlin’,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>her dad said (Shelby just knew he was frowning). </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean, bookin’ a punk band to open for you? That just doesn’t make sense.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby inwardly groaned. She knew this was coming, she just hated that it came so soon. She didn’t even know how to reply to him. The old her would have just lied so easily, but she didn’t want to be that person anymore. The person who always, always lied. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually, Fatin was really smart about who’s opening for me. They’re an up-and-comin’ band, too. I’ll probably get a much wider audience with them openin’ for me. It’s not a bad thing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She heard her father sigh with contemplation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I just don’t see how a band like </span>
  </em>
  <span>that </span>
  <em>
    <span>could help you, Shelby. I mean, the things that band flaunts… and the lead singer. All profanity and… well… I’m sure you know. Are you sure you can’t get someone new to open for you?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s two weeks away, Daddy,” Shelby told him, trying to not sound impatient, knowing that he hated that. “It’s goin’ to be absolutely fine.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, Shelby, if you say so. Say, have you talked to Andrew yet? He told us that you hadn’t texted him back or returned any of his calls.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby shook her head, hating that this was turning into a conversation about how she broke up with the guy that her father loved. (Though she was sure he only loved him because he knew he had influence over him.) “I haven’t talked to him yet. I’m not ready for that quite yet.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“He misses you, baby,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>her mom responded quietly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“And he doesn’t know why you broke up with him. I tried to tell him it was just cold feet, that you were tryin’ to have some independence for a while, but—” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Point is,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>her father interrupted, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Andrew’s a good man. And he’s not goin’ to wait forever for you. He was goin’ to ask you to marry him, Shelby. Isn’t that what you want?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know the best way to answer his question. If she told him the truth, told him that the idea of marrying Andrew made her feel suffocated and imprisoned, she knew he would get angry. He would probably accuse her of lying or making it up, knowing him. But if she lied, she was afraid that he could sense it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gulped before answering. “My career’s takin’ off, Daddy. This isn’t the time to get married.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“But Andrew used to be a part of your career, too. You fired him. Don’t you think that’s a little uncalled for? I know he’d be willin’ to play with you for the tour if you asked.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Flopping onto her bed, she said, “I know he would be. I already found a replacement, though. Maybe for the next tour.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I think your father’s point is—” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“My point is,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he interrupted again, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“we think you’re makin’ a mistake, darlin’. We know you love Andrew. We don’t want you to regret this decision. He can take care of you, Shelby. That way you can stop all this music business.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chewed her cheek and felt the tears bubble up in her eyes. She didn’t need to be reminded of what her father wanted her life to be like. She knew that he wanted to be just like her mom. Quiet. Obedient. A stay-at-home mom with a husband she cared more about than herself. She wanted to want it. She wanted to want that life more than anything. But as much as she tried, as much as she prayed, she couldn’t do it. And she was so tired of pretending that she wanted it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She knew she had to end the call. She was sure they could sense it when she cried. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we talk about this later? I’m gettin’ a call.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shelby—” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight.” She hung up on him and tossed her phone away from her. She thought when she moved away, she could get away from it all. Their expectations. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Groaning, she got her laptop out and thought about watching season 2 of </span>
  <em>
    <span>One Tree Hill </span>
  </em>
  <span>again (mostly because of Anna), but instead, she went to YouTube. Finding Diogenes’ channel was easy. Fatin was always good at all things technology. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She played one of their oldest songs. “Duck Eat Duck World.” Toni Shalifoe wasn’t just a singer, she was a performer. She interacted with her fans, her band, with the energy of the room (if that was even possible). What stopped her from staring at the way Toni’s body moved was the realization of what she was singing about. She was singing about a girl. Her heart started to race. There was a part of her that wanted to stop the video. She kept thinking her dad was going to walk in. That she would hear sneers from old friends. That she would feel God’s cold presence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she didn’t stop it. The shame was still there, like a ghost gnawing at her, but she kept listening. She went to the next song. And the next. And the next.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Getting off the Broad Street line close to Toni’s apartment, they finally felt like they could talk about the dinner. They didn’t want someone on the train to overhear them. It wasn’t like Shelby Goodkind was a household name, but she was slowly becoming mainstream. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think she’s going to be easy to work with, you know?” Dot stated first without any reservation. “She seems chill enough.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah nodded in agreement. “She’s not a bad artist at all. Her more recent music is, like, actually really good. And if Fatin trusts her, I think it’s going to work.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni wasn’t surprised that Leah and Dot were for Shelby. They got along with her the easiest. Toni just didn’t know what Rachel thought. She was pretty quiet throughout the meal, which wasn’t unusual for Rachel in restaurants. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Reid?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s not my kind of person, but she seems respectful at least. She didn’t belittle us or try to assert any dominance or anything like that. I’m sure I’ll be annoyed with her by the third day, but I think we should just fucking go ahead with it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni tried to hide her disappointment. If her band was less sold on Shelby Goodkind, she would be a lot more comfortable with saying no to the blonde. But if her band was all in, she wasn’t going to say no. As much as she hated it, they really did make a lot of decisions as a group. And she knew that she couldn’t just make a decision for all of them. That was the kind of thing that would break up a band. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright,” Toni sighed with a lack of confidence, “then I guess we’re doing this. Fuck. We’re going on tour.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot shouted with excitement and even Leah smiled. Rachel raised an eyebrow at Toni and said, “I’m surprised by you, Shalifoe. I was sure you wouldn’t be into it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hated that Rachel could see right through her. She rolled her eyes and flicked her friend’s shoulder. “Right, because you know me better than I know myself.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, that’s fucking accurate,” Rachel said with a grin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni was about to retort when her attention was drawn to a man who was walking toward them. Immediately, she knew something was off. She could smell the alcohol from feet away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, beautiful,” he greeted with a sloppy smile that made Toni tense up. His attention was completely on Leah. “You look like my ex. She w-was a bitch. I bet you’re not a bitch, though, are you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Full of pumping adrenaline, she pushed past Rachel and Leah, pushing the younger brunette behind her. “Why don’t you get out of my friend’s face and leave us the fuck alone?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was aware that her friends were whispering her name in worried tones, but she ignored them. He took a step closer to her, but she didn’t take a step back. She maintained eye contact. She let her hands curl into fists. She clenched her jaw. This was all second nature to her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t do anything,” he said and put his hands up in surrender. “Unless you want me to do something, sweetheart.” He started to laugh, which just made Toni angrier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For your sake,” Toni said with as much control as she could muster, “walk away.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You mad that I didn’t c-compliment you, sweetheart? Don’t take it personally. You’re a little too old for—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t even let him finish. Her fist found his left cheek with so much force that he fell backward. Groaning and cursing, he pressed the palm of his hand against his cheek. He didn’t get up, didn’t try to fight back, but that didn’t stop her from backing down. Toni’s hand was shaking, but she ignored the pain. It was easy when she wanted to hit him again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni, please,” Leah said and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t want to leave. She wanted him to be deathly afraid of messing with women in the future. Her whole body started to shake. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni…” she could hear the fear in Leah’s voice and unclenched her jaw. She felt a hand on her shoulder. Dot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s go, Shalifoe,” Rachel demanded and started walking toward the apartment a block away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni started walking again, but her heart was still beating rapidly. It was like her body didn’t know that she was done fighting. She could barely breathe. Dot had her hand on her back and that was the only thing that she felt like had tethered her to the ground. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they got into the apartment, she heard a squeal first. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Martha. </span>
  </em>
  <span>So excited to ask them about Shelby and the dinner. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How was i—” Martha stopped talking when she saw Toni. “What happened?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot ran over to get ice as Toni collapsed onto the couch. She just wanted to start breathing normally again. She just wanted to stop shaking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This asshole tried to mess with Leah,” Rachel told Martha with fury drowned in her voice. “Toni threw a badass punch.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni watched as disappointment filled her best friend’s eyes. Martha knew her better than anyone. She knew all about her temper and her rage that seemed to come out of nowhere. Martha hated violence. Hated fighting. Toni didn’t know how they were still friends, but Martha had stood by her through it all. Still. There was disappointment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot gave her a bag of ice and Toni pressed it on her hand, barely wincing. She was just glad that she felt like she was breathing again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you feel like anything’s broken?” Dot asked with concern. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shook her head, suddenly feeling exhausted. She wanted them to stop looking at her. To stop being worried. She felt shitty enough. She didn’t need their own shitty feelings about the situation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“M’fine. Can we just—can we just fucking move on? Please? I’m fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have punched him, alright?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s my fault,” Leah said suddenly and started to pace the living room. “I didn’t do anything and—”    </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault,” Toni interrupted her, feeling the anger start to bubble up again. “It’s not your fucking fault that he approached you. You shouldn’t have needed to do anything because he shouldn’t have done what he did.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone was quiet for a second, and for the briefest of moments, Toni thought it was all over. The band, the friendship, everything she had built. She was afraid they would never look at her the same way again. It wasn’t like they had never experienced her anger before, they had seen it plenty of times, but it wasn’t always this visible. This visceral. Usually, they just heard about it after.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, Shalifoe, I can’t even blame you,” Rachel said and slumped onto the couch next to her. “I was worried he was going to touch Rilke. And you stopped that from happening. Besides, you gave him a chance to leave and he didn’t.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Solid point, Rachel,” Dot said with a nod. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She knew they were just being kind about the situation. Because even Toni knew that she was lucky. He could have hit back in retaliation. Or worse. He could have hit someone else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “Well…” Martha said and sighed, “what happened with Shelby? Did you all love her? What did you all talk about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s very polite,” Dot told her as she grabbed a beer from the fridge. “Really nice and all that shit. We mostly talked about logistics for the tour. She and Leah talked about lyrics for a while. Honestly, we didn’t find out much. Fatin tried to facilitate the conversation as much as possible. You know we’re awkward as fuck.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha nodded and tried her hardest to smile. Toni knew that her friend was still thinking about Toni, probably remembering all the other times she put herself in dangerous situations. Sometimes she got lucky like she did tonight. Other times, not so much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you ask about her music? What’s she performing?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“New music,” Leah informed her, her voice a little shaky. Toni, knowing what it was like to be targeted by men, knew what she was feeling. Though, she was sure, with Leah’s past, there was probably a little more going on in that mind of hers. “She wasn’t very specific, though. She honestly sounded a little worried that her fans wouldn’t like it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha shrugged. “Huh. I bet it’s good, though. I mean, she’s only gotten better and better. Do you all know what you’re going to play? Have you decided yet?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually, we were planning on asking you about that,” Rachel said with a tight grin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At Martha’s raised eyebrows, Dot said, “Yeah, dude. You’re, like, our biggest fan. You know our music better than anyone else.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That seemed to cheer Toni’s best friend up significantly. As Martha started to talk about her favorite songs, Toni turned her attention toward Leah, who seemed just as shaken as she was. Leah was tough as fuck. Toni would have never guessed it when she first met her, but Leah had a strength in her that still impressed her. Some people were naturally strong, but she knew that Leah, just like everyone else in the band, found a lot of her strength from surviving trauma. They all seemed to recognize it in each other, even if it went unsaid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know what made her do it, but she reached over and squeezed Leah’s hand. She wanted the younger woman to know that none of it was Leah’s fault. That she punched that man because of him, not because of her.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby watched every video of Diogenes’ performances on YouTube. She knew it might have been excessive, but she couldn’t help it. Once she started, like really started this time, she couldn’t stop. She knew why so many people were screaming their names while they played. They were a magnetic band. Just when Shelby was sure they had this particular sound, they changed it up. No concert or set was the same. And there was obvious chemistry between the bandmates. An obvious adoration for each other. Despite the genre, she found herself almost enjoying herself. She didn’t think she was suddenly going to start singing punk or even rock, really, but she felt herself feel less guilty about listening to it. With Toni singing, she didn’t really hear her father’s words in her head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She woke up with a text from Fatin. She was in a group chat now with Diogenes, but none of them had replied to Fatin’s question yet. Fatin wanted them to rehearse as a whole group. Sooner than later. Shelby was worried about that. She still hadn’t found the courage to play her new songs for Payne yet, who needed to learn the songs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of texting Fatin, she texted Payne, asking to meet up and have a marathon rehearsal. Payne, always willing to put in the work, immediately replied that they were down, which made Shelby feel relieved. So relieved that she brought Payne breakfast. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby, you’re too sweet,” Payne greeted with a soft smile and hug. “How was last night? How was Toni Shalifoe?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby pressed her lips together for a second, not knowing what exactly to say. The night was interesting and not a complete failure, but she knew it probably could have gone better, not that Toni really made that possible. Toni, who didn’t like her the second she entered the restaurant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The band is really interestin’. I mostly talked with Dot, the drummer, and Leah, the guitarist and pianist. They’re a very tight-knit band. Toni… she’s certainly somethin’. Very tough and sarcastic and all that. You’ll get to know them when we have rehearsals comin’ up, which is why we should get started as soon as possible.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne nodded. “Roger that. What do you want to start with?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This new song. Here, let me give you the lyrics.” Her hand shaking, she took out her phone and passed it to her with the note app open. It was a short song, but a slow one. She called it “amphibious.” She watched as Payne read the lyrics, feeling more anxious than she remembered in a long time. It was one thing writing Christian music that she knew people wanted. Writing music for herself… that was completely different. Nerve-wracking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby…” Payne whispered and looked up with their big brown eyes, “this is gorgeous. Sad, but gorgeous. Do you want to play it once and then I can join in?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby nodded, feeling only slightly relieved. Only part of the battle was over. Playing a song she wrote was something so personal to her. Out of her new songs, this song was the least revealing about her, but it was still raw. She felt almost naked. Like Payne was seeing parts of her she rarely let anyone see. It had been a really long time since someone had seen all of her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t look at them when she started strumming and started singing. All she could think about was who the song was about. All she could think about was </span>
  <em>
    <span>her.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You always smelled like chlorine</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With a hint of clementine</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Aquatic respiration</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In need of resuscitation</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You said you weren’t breathing unless</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The water took you under</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t understand you then</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe I still don’t</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But when I let myself submerge </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In the darkest colors of blue</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I feel like I can hear you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I swear, I swear, I swear</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The second I feel the need to breathe</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I can smell the pool water</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And the familiar scent of citrus”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When she was done, she slowly looked up at her new friend, who was grinning at her, like they were proud. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby, that was… just so good. Do you want to start again? I can join in this time with backup vocals and maybe a little guitar action?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded again, unable to say anything. She wanted to feel proud. But honestly, her father’s words were still stuck in her throat. And worse than that, memories of her were replaying in her head at a speed that was almost uncontrollable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she started to sing anyway, hoping that everything else would just drift away.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes and her head hurt, but Toni knew Leah well enough to know that they couldn’t stop there. After the band had parted ways for the night, Leah called Toni in the middle of the night (after Toni spent hours watching stupid videos of stupid Shelby Goodkind playing stupid music) and told her that she had lyrics for her. They usually wrote their best lyrics through the night (and this night was no different), so Leah came back over. Though now, it was already morning and Rachel had texted her that they should all meet up at the studio. Toni didn’t want to interrupt Leah, especially not when she seemed to be working something out through the new lyrics. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“He wanted me to be an adult</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But only when I cried</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I swallowed his pleas</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And took them for gospel</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Grew a backbone </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>While sharpening my teeth</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>So that when he yelled</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I yelled back</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But in that moment</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He begged for my youth</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish I knew then </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That I already outgrew him”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t know much about Leah’s past. She met her when Leah was 18 and new to Philly. Leah was sitting in the park, strumming a Phoebe Bridgers song, and Toni, 20 at the time, knew that Leah had something. She also immediately knew that Leah struggled with her mind. Toni knew what that was like herself, but she knew that Leah sometimes went to even darker places. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know who hurt Leah, she just knew someone did. Whoever it was, Toni thought about beating the shit out of him every time Leah stared off into space with this blank look. She thought the asshole was lucky she didn’t know his name. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But over the years, she learned a lot more things about Leah. One, that she was actually funny as fuck, especially when she wasn’t trying. Sometimes the humor was dark and almost nihilistic, but other times Leah made a joke that a twenty-year-old would actually make and it always caught her off-guard. But in a good way. She also learned that Leah could be quiet, but if she was completely comfortable, she could talk about anything and everything. She was also incredibly argumentative. Especially with Rachel, but then again, Toni thought Rachel brought that out of everyone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni! Leah!” Martha interrupted, coming into Toni’s bedroom without asking. “Rachel’s texting me to tell you to check your phones! Go to the studio or whatever. I’m going back to bed.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah checked her watch and frowned. “Oh, shit. Sorry, Toni. I didn’t mean to take up a lot of your night.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can blame it on the fact that we’re practically rockstars,” Toni replied simply with a nonchalant shrug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Even though it’s more likely mental illness?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She said it with such blunt honesty and lack of emotion that when Leah’s eyes found hers, Toni started to laugh harder and harder until her ribs hurt. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. unforgiving girl (she's not an)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Diogenes performs for Shelby and company. </p>
<p>Toni and Shelby share a moment. Well, maybe.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! </p>
<p>Once again, this chapter references songs that Diogenes wrote, but they're not my songs! I use real songs just to show how what kind of music they'd perform. The only thing that's mine are the lyrics! If you're interested in what they're playing, here's the playlist!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=Ozv3yAk2SnyVfUPOsGSmdQ">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=Ozv3yAk2SnyVfUPOsGSmdQ</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shelby was glad that Payne was a quick learner. What took the longest was probably Payne memorizing the lyrics, but Shelby knew that was going to take time and a lot of practice. They were still working on her new song “amphibious” when she heard the loud knock on the door. Hoping that it wasn’t Andrew (who had a tendency of showing up when he wasn’t invited), she sighed with relief to find her manager on the other side of the door. </p>
<p>“Babe, why didn’t you text me back?” Fatin didn’t wait for a response before pushing past her into the studio. She approached Payne, who was still looking at the lyrics and was mouthing along to the words. “You must be Payne. I’m Shelby’s manager, Fatin Jadmani.” </p>
<p>Payne looked up at her and their eyes widened. “Damn. Hi, I’m Payne Robinson.” </p>
<p>Shelby snickered and shook her head. She knew they would get along just fine. She knew it just like she had known that Fatin was going to hate Andrew (and she did). </p>
<p>“Can I ask why you decided to stop by?” </p>
<p>Fatin, in her perfectly puffy white jacket, grinned. “Well, Texas, since you so kindly decided to ignore my text, I decided to come to you. I want to hear you and Diogenes play. Today. Together.” </p>
<p>Shelby gulped, feeling anxiety hit her like a truck. “Dear Lord, we haven’t really nailed all the songs down.” </p>
<p>Her manager shrugged as if it didn’t matter. “ I want to hear how the sounds mesh. You can sing anything you want, really. We can start finalizing what songs you play later on. Besides, I want you to get to know the band. And that means getting to know how they practice, how they jam, how they perform, you know?” </p>
<p>“Communicating without talking,” Payne commented like they knew exactly what Fatin was talking about. </p>
<p>“Pre-cise-ly,” Fatin agreed with a stiff head nod. “So, what do you say, my favorite blonde? Wanna go hit up Diogenes?” </p>
<p>Shelby chuckled nervously. She didn’t feel like she could say no. Besides, she knew that she was going to have to get used to the band’s presence. She was going to be stuck living with them for months. Even the thought of having to be in the same room with Toni Shalifoe sent shivers down her spine. And that was something she knew she was going to have to get over. </p>
<p>Shelby tried to mirror Payne’s excitement about seeing the band. It was an unbridled joy that Shelby was almost jealous of. She hated that she was recently just so nervous around people. Now that she wasn’t playing the part of the dutiful, perfect, Christian daughter, she didn’t have any idea how people would react to her. She didn’t know how <em> Toni </em>would react to her. </p>
<p>Anxiously tapping her finger against her thighs to SASAMI, Fatin’s driving didn’t make her feel any better. Shelby knew that city driving was a lot different than country driving, but Fatin’s lack of the use of turn signals and jerky movements freaked her out a little. Payne, who sat in the back seat, looked right at home, not worried about the driving in the slightest. </p>
<p>“Can you tell us a little more about the band?” Shelby asked her manager, hoping to get a little more information that she could use to relate to the band members. </p>
<p>Fatin shrugged. “Well, as you know, they’re pretty close. If I remember correctly, Toni and Dot started the band four years ago. I think Rachel joined two years ago and Leah a year after. They act like really intense people but honestly, they’re just a bunch of weirdos. But, like, in a good way. Not in like a freaky quirky kinda way.” </p>
<p>Shelby wondered how people would explain her. They’d probably use terms like “sweet” or “polite.” Not that she could really blame them. She never really let anyone (except one person) see or experience her personality. Around most people, she had felt like a pretty slab of marble. Just something to look at. </p>
<p>“The four of them are all openly queer, right?” Payne asked, the excitement clear in their voice. </p>
<p>Fatin nodded. “Totes. I like to represent queer and trans artists. It’s obviously not a requirement, but an added bonus, I must say.” </p>
<p>“That’s so cool of you.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, well,” Fatin sighed, “my dad was the kind of manager who forced his clients into the closet and told them to stay there. I know how important it is to let artists speak their truth, you know? Besides, being queer myself, it’s nice to feel seen and heard through music.” </p>
<p>Shelby could feel herself sinking into her seat. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to be a part of. Because all it did was make her think about those nights where she’d stay up late and watch YouTube videos on Incognito and feel so much shame. And even worse, what hurt was that those nights still happened. They always kept happening. </p>
<p>“Your dad sounds like a dick,” Payne told her, “no offense.” </p>
<p>Fatin snorted. “No, please, I’m never offended by that. He is a fucking dick and I wish the entire music industry didn’t see him as some God. Hence, why I’m here to fucking change the entire industry.” </p>
<p>Payne hummed. “I guess your whole career is like a ‘fuck you’ to him then. That’s pretty rad.” </p>
<p>A grin spread from Fatin’s lips. “I like you. You picked a good one, Goodkind. Though, I’m not surprised. Anyway. Here we are.” </p>
<p>Shelby stared at the building they parked in front of with a mixed reaction of fear and disgust. “I thought this place was completely abandoned.” </p>
<p>“It mostly is. The rent space is cheap. Though, there might be asbestos. So… let’s hope this tour brings in some revenue for this band so that they can practice in an environment that isn’t probably toxic.” </p>
<p>Shelby felt a strong surge of sympathy for the band. Her parents might not have been supportive of her moving to Philly to jumpstart an actual music career, but they lent her money that she swore to them that she’d pay back. She couldn’t imagine coming out here with nothing. </p>
<p>The three of them exited the car and entered the building that smelled a little bit like toilet water. They could hear the music before they got to the studio. It was loud. Booming, almost. It wasn’t a song that Shelby recognized and she wondered if this was a new song. </p>
<p>Shelby felt weird about just entering the studio, but Fatin didn’t seem to think they were intruding in the slightest. “They didn’t answer the texts, either,” she explained as if that was reason enough for entering. </p>
<p>Fatin opened the door and Shelby was engulfed with sound. Shelby’s attention immediately went to Toni, though, who was moving around like she was performing on an actual stage. Her hair bounced along with her body, swaying to every beat, every note. Wearing a ripped David Bowie crop top and Adidas shorts, her hair clung to the sweat on her forehead. Her neck. Shelby watched, mystified. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I wish I could say if you came back</p>
<p>I’d be different</p>
<p>I think your heart’d break if you saw</p>
<p>Who I’ve let myself become </p>
<p>I’m just a ghost of what I was</p>
<p>You made me wanna be better</p>
<p>And now I’m just haunted” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Holy shit.” </p>
<p>Shelby turned around to see that Payne was just as entranced as she was. It took her a moment to realize, though, that Payne was looking at everyone, not just at Toni Shalifoe.</p>
<p>Next to them, Fatin was just smirking. It was pride. Shelby could see it clear as day. She knew how proud of the band Fatin was. She knew the look because she knew Fatin looked at her that way sometimes. Especially the day that Shelby announced that she was making new music that was <em> very </em>different from the rest. </p>
<p>But then Toni looked at her and abruptly stopped singing. The brown eyes were intense. When Toni looked at her, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. </p>
<p>“Yo, why’d you—” Dot started to say before she finally saw Shelby and the others. </p>
<p>“Fatin,” Leah said almost breathlessly. “What a-are you doing here?” </p>
<p>Fatin put her hands on her hips, obviously amused. “Well, none of you replied to my texts, so I thought I would interrupt all of you so that you can rehearse in front of each other.” </p>
<p>Toni frowned and crossed her arms. “Thanks for the warning, Fatin.” </p>
<p>“I did warn you,” their manager replied with a cheeky grin, “with my original text. The new song sounds good, by the way. Angst is spot on.” </p>
<p>“This is Payne,” Shelby blurted out suddenly, not knowing how else to greet the band. It wasn’t like she felt like she could greet them like friends. They weren’t even really acquaintances yet. </p>
<p>Payne waved a little awkwardly. “Hi, there. I’m doing a lot of back-up vocals and guitar playing for Shelby. I use they/them pronouns by the way. I’m also a huge fan. I think I’ve seen you guys play like four times.” </p>
<p>Toni saluted and said, “Sup, I’m Toni. She/her pronouns. And thank you for seeing us play. I know we’ve been doing a lot of back and forth with genre shit.” </p>
<p>Shelby felt a twinge of <em> something. </em>Toni was nicer to Payne than she had ever been to her even though they just met. She didn’t get it. Fatin made it seem like she was just a jerk to everyone she meets for the first time. </p>
<p>“What’s up, Payne, I’m Dot. I also use she/her pronouns. I say ‘dude’ and ‘bro’ a lot, but please let me know if you’re ever uncomfortable and I’ll totally stop using them.” </p>
<p>Payne grinned at Dot. “I really appreciate you letting me know. I’m okay with you calling me that, but if I ever change my mind, I promise I’ll let you know.” </p>
<p>“I’m Rachel Reid,” the bassist greeted with a nod. “I use she/they pronouns. I’m excited to see what you got, Payne.” </p>
<p>“Hi, I’m Leah. I’m really shitty at meeting new people, just ask Shelby. But it’s nice to meet you.” </p>
<p>Payne looked genuinely so thrilled. “It’s so nice to meet you all. And honestly, Leah, don’t worry about it. I’m a huge extrovert, but that has made me super awkward because I’m sometimes a little too excited. We have plenty of time to become less awkward.” </p>
<p>The pianist smiled at them gently. With all of these introductions going so well, Shelby just hoped that this day would continue like this. But with Toni looking at her like she was a villain, she wasn’t sure if that was even going to be possible.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Toni was in her groove. She gave every rehearsal everything she got. She told herself four years ago that if she was going to be in a real band, she was going to do everything she could to be successful. That meant working her ass off, because she knew that nothing was just given to her. She felt lucky that her bandmates didn’t mind her tenacity. Though, if there was anyone more intense than her, it would be Rachel. </p>
<p>The new song was about Regan. When she showed the lyrics to the others, they gave her this almost pitiful look. The “it’s been eight months and it’s sad you’re not over it” look. She told them that they were lyrics she had been working on for a while, but that was mostly a lie. The sad truth was that even if she had come to terms with the fact that she and Regan were never going to be together again, the pain was still there. Lingering. </p>
<p>When they were interrupted by Fatin and company, she tried to not let her frustration eat at her. Knowing Fatin, she realized that she shouldn’t have been surprised by her manager’s actions. She should have known that not replying could lead to interruptions. It definitely happened before. </p>
<p>Toni was surprised to meet Payne. She was expecting to meet the dude that always sang with Shelby in her Instagram videos. The unattractive man that looked at the blonde like she was meat. Toni almost threw up when she saw all the comments about her and “Andrew” being the cutest couple. She was glad that it was Payne, instead. She didn’t know if she could live with someone like the blonde’s boyfriend. </p>
<p>“Do y’all have a setlist yet?” Shelby asked them in her sickly sweet southern accent.</p>
<p>“We have a semi-general idea,” Dot informed her with a shrug. “We like to keep things pretty fucking spontaneous, so we’ll probably have a list of songs we’ll choose from the day of.” </p>
<p>The blonde nodded. “I was thinkin’ of doing somethin’ similar. With a mix of old songs and new. What y’all were playin’ sounded really great.” </p>
<p>Toni raised an eyebrow, not believing that for a second. “You like rock and punk, princess?” </p>
<p>Shelby frowned slightly, but quickly recovered. “I’m open to anythin’, really. Why are you askin’? Do you not like indie music, then?” </p>
<p>Toni snorted, surprised the blonde had some bite. “Depends really on the performer, you know?” What she didn’t tell Shelby Goodkind was that she wasn’t half bad, as much as she hated to admit it to herself. Her older songs weren’t anything special, but her new songs were interesting. Less bland at the very least. </p>
<p>“Speaking of performing,” Fatin interrupted, looking slightly amused, “I think it’s time you all actually perform for each other. Diogenes, do you want to play a few songs that could be a potential set and then we can go from there?” </p>
<p>Toni was always game for that. She whispered to her bandmates that they play a banger first. Toni knew that the first song had to get people’s attention. People don’t usually go to a concert to see the opening act, so she knew they’d have to quickly make them want to listen. </p>
<p>“Y.G.W.Y.W. (You Got What You Want)” was perfect as the opening song. A strong beat with solid vocals. There’s shouting, but no screaming. For an audience that wants to see an indie artist, she couldn’t scare them away with screaming at the beginning. It was a compromise, really. But it also showed off her bandmates. No piano, but heavy bass, guitar, and drum action that could really get a show going. </p>
<p>She got into it. Like normal performances, she forced herself to experience every feeling that bloomed from singing the song. That always led to the best performances. Real, true, deep emotions. She jumped around the room and interacted with her bandmates. She sat on Fatin’s lap while Rachel and Leah jammed out in the middle. </p>
<p>From there, they picked a cover. For this kind of audience, she couldn’t go for something like Bikini Kill. She wasn’t sure if anyone there would know it. Instead, she had to go for something more mainstream. “Read My Mind” by The Killers was perfect for that. Slightly, slower, but a perfect rock song. For this song, she played the guitar while Leah played the piano. </p>
<p>When she sang the lyrics: “teenage queen, the loaded gun,” she couldn’t help but look at Shelby, who had been sitting very still while watching. She raised an eyebrow, surprised by how emotionally still she was too. Toni almost took it as a challenge. She got a random mix of reactions before while performing, but if the reactions weren’t positive, usually they were angry. Shelby didn’t seem angry, though, she just didn’t seem like she really cared. It confused the fuck out of her. </p>
<p>After they had an audience hooked, she liked to go for raw. A little more lowkey, but more intense lyrics wise. She and Leah wrote “Feel the Same” together. It was one of those moments where the two of them realized that despite how different their lives had been, they experienced a lot of similar emotions. It was a short song with more of a garage rock kinda vibe. Leah sang back-up vocals in the song, echoing her throughout. She tried to interact with Leah during the song, knowing this was something they shared completely. </p>
<p>Next, another cover. “Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett &amp; The Blackhearts could not be a more iconic song. She could only pray that Shelby’s audience would know it. But honestly, even if they didn’t know it, she wouldn’t stop playing it. This song was one of her favorites. One she would listen to non-stop in middle school and high school. It made her feel less shitty about her life. Female rock artists always had that effect on her. </p>
<p>The last song was the hardest to pick. It had to blow people away since it was probably the only song the audience would remember. She went with “Fences,” a song they had been playing for a while. It was jammy and ridiculously fun to sing. It was the kind of song that audiences could interact with since it was easy to dance to and sing along with. It wasn’t the best lyric wise (Toni guessed that was because she wrote it without Leah before she joined the band), but it was a song that never went wrong. </p>
<p>When they were done, she felt lighter, much like she did after normal performances. Playing never exhausted her, it always energized her in a way she couldn’t really explain. It was slightly different when she was high, but she was doing that less and less these days. She hated feeling less in control of herself while performing. Besides, she didn’t need to be high to lose control anyway.</p>
<p>“Fuck.” </p>
<p>Toni found Payne’s jaw dropped and she snorted. “Glad we have one fan.” </p>
<p>She couldn’t help but try to spot the Texan’s reaction, but the blonde was staring down at her phone, her hair covering any sort of facial reaction. It infuriated her. She couldn’t believe that she went all out for that rehearsal, and for what? </p>
<p>“See anything interesting on there, princess?” </p>
<p>Shelby looked up at her with a grimace. “Not really, Toni. Fatin told me to check out the menu so that we can order some food. Do you have a problem with that?” </p>
<p>She was too annoyed to be embarrassed. “Nah. What food are we getting, Fatin?” </p>
<p>Fatin raised an eyebrow and looked back and forth between Toni and the blonde. “You know what? Now that I think about it, delivery from the falafel place might not be as solid as I thought. I remember it got cold a few times. Why don’t you and Shelby take our orders and pick it up for us.” </p>
<p>Toni knew what this was. Fatin thought that if she spent more time with the blonde, they would have a Breakfast Club moment. Her being the rebel and Shelby being the princess, of course. She hated it when people assumed that people from different backgrounds could just like each other if they opened up. She had yet to meet a priss that she ended up liking, no matter how long she got to know them. </p>
<p>“Sorry, Jadmani. I got here on my motorcycle with Leah hanging on as tightly as possible. Maybe ask someone with a fucking car.” </p>
<p>Fatin, not perturbed, shrugged. “But you can drive, right? Just take my car. I’ll send you a text with the orders while you’re on the way.” Without warning, she tossed Toni her keys. </p>
<p>She couldn’t think of another out besides saying straight up that she didn’t like this chick. She was close to saying it, but she wasn’t quite there. As much as she hated this shit, she had basically promised her band this tour. She had ruined a lot of shit in her life, but she wasn’t prepared to ruin this. </p>
<p>“Fuck it. Blondie, you ready to jet?” </p>
<p>Shelby looked at her with horror. “Um, alright then. I guess so.” </p>
<p>Toni rolled her eyes and gave Rachel this look that she knew that they’d understand. It was a mix between “save me” and “don’t blame me when this all goes to shit.” </p>
<p>“Please don’t kill each other, thanks,” Fatin said as they made their way to the exit. Toni flipped her off in response. </p>
<p>They were silent as they headed down to the car. She wasn’t going to tell Shelby that the last time she drove in Philly was almost two years ago and that she barely remembered where the falafel place was.</p>
<p>When they got into the car, she just hooked her phone up to the AUX cord and blasted Car Seat Headrest. She prayed to Carrie Fisher that she just wouldn’t crash and die next to someone who hated her guts.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Shelby figured that with Toni’s “I don’t give an eff” personality, she would be a speed-demon on the road. She was beyond surprised to find out that it was actually the opposite. Toni Shalifoe, who had the window open so that her hair could fly everywhere, drove slower than Shelby’s grandmother. She wouldn’t have minded if they were in Texas, but in a city where people were in a constant angry rush, Shelby felt slightly unsafe. Especially when Toni started singing along to a song called “Destroyed By Hippie Powers.” </p>
<p>“Toni? Can you please put two hands on the wheel?” </p>
<p>Toni gave her this death glare. “I’m sorry, princess, did you want to drive? Because I didn’t hear you offer to before. Or maybe Jesus can take the wheel, am I right?” </p>
<p>Shelby pursed her lips. “Excuse me for not wantin’ to die on the way to a falafel restaurant.” </p>
<p>“Why do you care? Don’t you think you’re going to heaven anyway?” </p>
<p>Shelby looked out the passenger side window. She didn’t want the brunette to see her reaction that she couldn’t control. She didn’t want Toni to know that she didn’t know the answer to that question.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid of dyin’,” she said instead of the complete truth because it was easier. She wasn’t sure she would tell anyone that there was a part of her that felt like she was destined for Hell. She didn’t think she could have even told that to the one person who probably wouldn’t have judged her for thinking it.</p>
<p>Toni hummed. “Fair enough, I guess. But it must be nice thinking you’re going to end up in a place with all your dead pets and relatives and whatever.” </p>
<p>More than anything, Shelby wanted to turn this conversation away from herself. “I’m guessin’ that means you’re not much of a believer.”  </p>
<p>She snorted. “In God? Nah, not so much. But I believe in shit, just not in a religion used to enslave the masses and was used as an excuse to colonize with manifest fucking destiny.” </p>
<p>Shelby couldn’t deny that one. “So, what do you believe in, then?” </p>
<p>Toni shook her head as if she was completely surprised with herself that she was talking to her. “You know that moment when you’re at a live show and you hear vocals that make you want to fall to your knees? And I’m talking about vocals that make you want to cry and scream at the same time. Or do you know that moment when you’re performing and people start singing along to your songs? Or other simple things. Like that moment after struggling to fall asleep for hours and then you finally do fall asleep. It’s that shit that I believe in. Believing in shit that makes you feel, you know? Real shit.” </p>
<p>Shelby didn’t know what to say about that. It was curiously thoughtful. Not something she would have expected to come out of her mouth. She never thought of belief as something like that. It wasn’t necessarily tangible, but it was a belief in everyday kinds of things. It was so different from what she had been raised to believe in. Something she couldn’t see or feel. </p>
<p>“But I guess that’s nothing compared to your belief in the big guy, huh?” </p>
<p>Shelby shrugged, not wanting to get into that at all. Though she couldn’t really blame Toni for asking. She still had the cross hanging like a rope around her neck. </p>
<p>Before she could even change the subject, Toni shouted, “Motherfucker! That asshole almost swerved into the goddamn lane!” </p>
<p>“You use very colorful language.” It was like her mother jumped out of her mouth, but she couldn’t stop it. </p>
<p>And just like that, Toni was grumpy again and gave her these pissed off looks like she hated her. Shelby sighed and wished she could pray to God that Toni Shalifoe would stop looking at her like that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. a young understanding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shelby performs for Diogenes. </p><p>Toni realizes there might be something more to Shelby Goodkind.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As always, if you want to hear what they're singing, here's the playlist!</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=bc2jf6JyTwOkqDJ5ml-EKQ">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=bc2jf6JyTwOkqDJ5ml-EKQ</a></p><p> </p><p>Hope you enjoy! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>She had a conversation with her. Well, sort of. Toni wouldn’t really call it a conversation. She would call it a random burst of words that probably wouldn’t have made sense out of context. Despite telling herself that she didn’t want to know a single thing about the blonde, she learned two things in the two minutes that they spoke. </span>
</p>
<ol>
<li><span>Shelby, surprisingly, didn’t like to talk about herself a lot. </span></li>
<li><span>Shelby, unsurprisingly, judged her use of curse words. </span></li>
</ol><p>
  <span>Toni didn’t trust a lot of people. But what she did know was that if someone didn’t curse, she trusted them even less. Toni started cursing out of the womb. She felt like people who didn’t curse were either afraid of their own emotions or were judgemental or other people’s emotions. Either way, she didn’t like it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fact that the blonde wasn’t an oversharer was something she wasn’t expecting. It wasn’t like she talked about herself a lot during the dinner the night before, but she just figured that the blonde would feel apt to talk about herself. Toni hoped she wasn’t just basing that off of blonde stereotypes but then shrugged at the thought. She didn’t want to overthink it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, Toni? I feel like the falafel place wasn’t this far away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni groaned, not knowing if she was more peeved that she had no idea where she was going or that Shelby noticed that she had no idea where she was going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucking hate driving. This is why I have a motorcycle and use public transportation.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can get google maps goin’,” Shelby said, her tone making it sound like she wasn’t upset at all, which somehow made Toni angrier. “I don’t know how to get there either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Toni muttered under her breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Shelby got the directions going, the blonde asked, “When did you come to Philly? I think Fatin once told me you’re not from ‘round here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni did not want to tell this girl her life story. She was worried if she answered this one question, that meant that Shelby wouldn’t stop asking her these invasive questions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m from Minnesota.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh,” the blonde commented, “to be honest with you, I was not expectin’ that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni furrowed her eyebrows. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Where the fuck did you think I would be from?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of her eye, Toni could see her frown. “I didn’t mean anythin’ by it. I just don’t think I’ve ever met someone from Minnesota. It must be really cold there. Are you visitin’ family when we get there on the tour?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni felt her whole body tense up. She knew she couldn’t exactly blame her for not knowing that she didn’t have a family, but she was still pissed off. Pissed off that she asked and pissed off that Toni didn’t have a nice answer for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I’m not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She left it at that. There was no way she was going to tell this woman about her life and the shit that she went through. She barely told her bandmates that shit, and she actually trusted them. They knew the general details. But that was about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Shelby breathed out. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not seein’ my parents either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If anything, that annoyed Toni more. If she had parents who wanted to see her, she’d do anything to see them. Hell, she’d do anything to be wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How edgy of you,” Toni muttered under her breath, glad to pull up to the restaurant to end this misery. “You can stay in the car. I’ll just be a few minutes.” She grabbed her airpods out of her pocket and played Paramore’s album After Laughter. She just wanted a moment with herself and Hayley Williams. Even if it was only a few minutes before she had to read out all the orders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hayley Williams (though the singer never knew it) had been there for Toni throughout all of the shit that happened in her life. Her voice was just about the only thing that made it all okay. She was also the person who made her want to sing and share her music with others. She always felt like Hayley understood her anger. Her pain from coming from a “broken home.” The Paramore singer never glorified it, her anger. It just was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she went to the counter and took out her airpods, the employee asked, “What are you listening to?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni hated having to small talk with people she didn’t know. Even if the person was hot and had tattoos all over her arms. “Paramore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman smiled fondly. “Nice. Which album?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni turned around, surprised to find a whole line behind her. She didn’t know why this woman was talking to her when there were a lot of customers. She didn’t think it could possibly be good for business. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After Laughter.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn,” she sighed. “You doing okay? That album is a bit of an emotional wreck.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni shrugged. “It’s chill. I’ve got a whole list of orders if you’re ready.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman grinned. “Bring it on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni relayed the orders that Fatin sent to her by text. Some of the orders—especially Fatin’s—were a lot more complex than a simple order. The woman didn’t seem overwhelmed, though, like Toni knew she would feel if she was in her shoes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s your name? I’ll call it out when the food’s ready.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Toni. With an ‘i.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman laughed. “Perfect, Toni with an ‘i.’ Your order should be out shortly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni gave her a thumbs up before moving over to the side and put one of her air pods back in. She pulled up the PDF that she was reading of the book </span>
  <em>
    <span>Brave New World. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She personally liked it a lot more than </span>
  <em>
    <span>1984, </span>
  </em>
  <span>though she knew that if she was in the right mood, </span>
  <em>
    <span>1984 </span>
  </em>
  <span>could fuck her up in all the right ways a book should. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she heard her name shouted, she stuffed her phone back into her pocket and grabbed the bag from the counter. She didn’t exactly ignore the smile that the woman sent her, but she didn’t exactly acknowledge it either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby looked asleep when she returned to the car. But when she opened the door, it didn’t startle her awake like she thought it would. The blonde just opened her eyes carefully and grabbed the bag from Toni’s hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take a nice nap?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby shook her head. “I was just restin’ my eyes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni snorted and began to drive. “I thought only mildly intoxicated parents say that to their kids.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I like to—” she stopped and paused for a second. “Toni, who’s Fiona?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She furrowed her eyebrows, not knowing a single person with that name. “I don’t know a Fiona.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Shelby responded, almost sounding disappointed. “Well, she wrote her number on the bag. Guess you must have left an impression on her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It all clicked. Toni used to be good at noticing shit like that. Hell, she used to be the one flirting shamelessly with any woman with remotely an interest in her. But ever since Regan, there was none of that. Even after the relationship ended. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you not tell the others about that? I don’t want them to be on my ass about it.” Toni hated having to make a request like that, but she preferred this awkward question to having her bandmates ask her why she wasn’t going to give her a call (or any other woman a call for that matter). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, sure. Alright, then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Having her answer, Toni turned up “Caught in the Middle,” trying to signal the end of their conversation. Despite how loud the music was, she could still hear Shelby murmur to herself, “I love this song.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Shelby wasn’t sure if she’d ever understand Toni Shalifoe. It was more than obvious to her that she didn’t like her. Not even when Shelby turned up the volume on the niceness. It didn’t make Toni nicer at all. In fact, the more she tried to be nice, the meaner Toni became. It was hard to be around her. Shelby was so used to everyone liking her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tried to get Toni Shalifoe out of her head before performing some of her music, but it was difficult. It just frustrated her so much. She didn’t understand how someone could hate her this much and barely know her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payne just joined me,” Shelby announced to the group while getting set up to play. “So we only have a few songs prepared. But I can play some others solo, maybe, and see how things go.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She decided to go with “Your Light” first since it was the first song that Payne learned with her. It was also one of her most popular songs. While she wasn’t planning on playing all of her hits, it was definitely a song she knew could get an audience going. It was almost borderline pop, which was why Shelby guessed that it had become so successful. She had gotten so tired of performing it every time, but when she was playing with Payne, it was different. Payne was the kind of artist who made her feel like she could be more creative with her music. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After hearing that Leah loved “up the walls” and the song’s lyrics, she decided to play that next. It was slower. Sadder. A little more personal. She could remember posting it on her social media and her parents calling her and asking her why she was writing lyrics that weren’t honest. It was ironic, almost, since they were the most honest lyrics she had written for a song that she played for an audience. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know what convinced her to pick this cover song she had been working on out of all of them, but when she started strumming slowly, she couldn’t stop. It was one of those songs that she heard secretly as a child but could never get it out of her system. “Jolene” was a song that lived in her bones, she felt like. She sang it slower than the original and without a lot of the percussion, but she thought it sounded pretty good. She even saw Fatin in the corner of her eye start to dance with Leah, who was laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby was terrified to perform “amphibious,” but she knew that if she couldn't play it for this band, she definitely wouldn’t be able to perform in front of an audience full of strangers. And that she definitely wouldn’t be able to perform the other songs she wrote that were a lot more personal. When she was starting to sing, she thought her voice was shaking a little. She didn’t know if she could continue to sing, but when she looked up, she locked eyes with Toni. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni was slouching on a bean bag, but she didn’t seem like she didn’t care. In fact, Shelby thought it was the opposite. Toni was watching her carefully. Nodding along, ever so slightly. Shelby’s voice got stronger. She strangely felt more confident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she ended that song, the band clapped and whistled while Dot shouted, “That song hit me hard, dude! Very punk of you!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby grinned at them. She wasn’t sure they would like her music. The band played music that was so different from hers, but she didn’t think they were pretending to enjoy it. She didn’t think they were the kind of people to pretend at all. Not like she was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Shelby replied softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those lyrics remind me a lot of Toni’s,” Leah commented with a grin. “Don’t you think, Toni?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby held her breath as Toni sat up in the bean bag chair. “Honestly? I don’t fucking know if I could write something like that. It was fucking good, Princess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know what to expect, but she definitely didn’t expect </span>
  <em>
    <span>that. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She wasn’t expecting a compliment, especially not one like that. It caught her off guard. It made her rethink everything about Toni Shalifoe. Again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, thank you, Toni. Really. Um, I’ll play one more song. I haven’t played it in a long time, so we’ll see how it goes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby hadn’t played “Birds” in years. She never performed it, but it was a song she used to play for one person. She didn’t know why she was playing it today. She figured it was because there was a sudden part of her that realized that maybe she was in a safe space. It wasn’t like this song exposed any secrets or anything like that, but it was a song that described her feelings. And sometimes that was scarier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a song that really forced her to belt the lyrics. She didn’t sing a lot of songs like that, but it reminded her of what she could do if she wanted to with her songs. Add more power. The kind of power to a song that her father was disgusted by when a woman sang it. She wasn’t singing for the Lord, anymore. She was singing for herself. (She stopped dancing as a kid when her father accused her of “dancing for the flesh.”) </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she was done, she felt genuinely relieved. She was terrified of not only these people hating her music, but looking at her differently because of it. The strange thing was, they sort of did look at her differently. But it was with respect and appreciation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Payne hugged her first and told her that they were proud of her. Shelby couldn’t believe that she had only known them for a short time. She felt like Payne was one of her oldest friends at this point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was sick,” Dot exclaimed while the band approached her. “You know, Shelby, I think you’ve got some rock in you if you want it. I’m sure Toni could give you tips.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni punched her friend in the shoulder. “Whatever, Dot. But yeah, Princess. Not half bad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s just jealous,” Fatin said honestly and grinned at her. “Seriously, Shelby, I’ve seen you perform more times than I can count. And that was something else. I knew putting you all together would be fucking amazing. It’s going to be one hell of a show, that’s for sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby couldn’t stop smiling. It almost hurt her cheeks. She couldn’t remember the last time she was actually smiling like this. With genuine smiles that she didn’t force out of expectations. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your lyrics in the last two songs…” Leah began and shook her head. “That might have been some of the coolest lyrics I’ve heard in a while. You use a lot of sensory information. It makes me feel like I can get inside your head and feel what you’re feeling.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rachel snorted. “I don’t know if you can translate Leah Rilke, but that’s definitely a big compliment. And she’s right. Gotta be real with you, I didn’t know you had this in you, Goodkind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby tucked some of her hair behind her ear, a little embarrassed. “Honestly, I didn’t know if I had it in me either. I still have more songs I’m workin’ on, but here’s a sample. Thank y’all so much. It means a lot to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad we’re having this Kumbaya moment right now,” Fatin said suddenly, looking almost a little nervous, an emotion that Shelby hadn’t really seen from the woman ever before. “But I do have some news. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s something I know all of you don’t like. So, I decided that before we all go off on this tour, there’s going to be a send-off party.” Shelby heard everyone in the band groan and she felt similarly. “I won’t make any of you perform or anything like that, but I really think this is a big deal for you all. I’ll be inviting all my clients and there will be a lot of record labels coming. You can bring anyone you want. It’ll be fun. Or, at the very least, not torture.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But there will be mingling,” Toni complained. “So it will be torture.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin rolled her eyes. “Then pick a buddy and never leave their side so you don’t have to go at it alone. Look, everyone, I’m not doing this to be a bitch. This could be really good for you. It’s publicity, you know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby couldn’t really argue that. But she didn’t like these sorts of things. Back when she was singing religious music, those functions were easy. She already learned that persona around her parents, friends, and church. But after escaping that persona? Going to parties for other musicians was complicated. By a lot of musicians, she was considered a prude. And the others thought it was cool that she had this “virgin mystique” about her. She never really fit in. But if she had Payne with her? She thought maybe she could survive it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One question,” Dot interjected, “can we possibly get drunk or high at this party? I guess part two to the question is how sober do we need to be?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin shook her head. “Dorothy, if I have to be sober, you have to be sober. But I promise, I will take you all to your favorite bar and buy the first round as soon as I can.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot was obviously bummed, but she still mumbled a thank you in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, what day is this party?” Toni asked, her arms crossed and her face still a little scrunched up like she was angry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friday.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni just blinked. “That’s two days from now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin rolled her eyes. “Well, it’s not like you need to prep going to a party. All you have to do is show up. In something other than, you know, what you’re wearing currently.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell is wrong with what I’m wearing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin smiled at her. “I think this is my cue to leave. Shelby, Payne, are you two ready to go? I’ve got another client to meet up with, but I can drop you off where you need to be. Unless Toni wrecked my car.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni flipped her off before Fatin said her goodbyes to the group. Shelby didn’t know what to say. Even if they were more okay with her presence, Shelby didn’t know if these people were her friends. She knew for sure that Toni wasn’t. But the others…. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see y’all later,” Shelby said with a little wave. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On Friday,” Dot said with a sad shrug. “Sober. It’ll be great.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby laughed. The others, except Toni, waved and said their goodbyes. Shelby felt a rush of something. She thought it could be happiness.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>“Toni, you cannot say that you weren’t surprised,” Dot argued passionately when they entered Toni’s apartment. “And maybe a little impressed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni rolled her eyes. The last thing she was going to say was that. Was she surprised? Yes. But that was mostly because her expectations were so low. She knew that Shelby had a good voice, but she didn’t think that the woman had the capacity for singing about something real. She was proved wrong. But she wasn’t going to admit that to her friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who impressed you?” Martha asked, who was cooking dinner with Nora in the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shelby,” Leah answered before Toni could even say anything. “Fatin, Shelby, and Shelby’s new back-up vocalist came to the studio today. We performed for each other. Shelby was pretty good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni approached her best friend and could immediately recognize the smell. “Dude, are you making some of your mom’s food?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha grinned at her. “Yep. I called her today and she sent them over. Nora and I thought we’d try them. Mom asked about you. You should call her. She misses you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni felt a strange mix of emotions. Martha’s mom practically took her in when foster families ignored her. She admired her more than almost anyone. And yet, it hurt thinking about her. Because no matter what she did and how much she wanted it, she wasn’t her daughter and she never would be. At least not legally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss Bernice, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please tell me she’s going to see us on the tour,” Dot said and grabbed a beer from the fridge. “I feel like I haven’t seen her in forever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha nodded. “She wouldn’t miss it. She’ll have a long drive to the venue in Minnesota, but I don’t think that matters to her. She’s so proud of all of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nor,” Rachel greeted her sister, “did you talk to Quinn about the tour yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nora turned to her twin with this soft look that Toni immediately recognized. “I did. But Rach, it’s like two months long. I don’t know if I can be gone for that long. I have the internship next month and I—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Rachel interrupted with a tone in her voice that showed she wasn’t fine. “Don’t worry about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni learned early on after meeting Rachel that she and her twin had an interesting and extremely complicated relationship. Nora used to follow the band around everywhere, showing up to every practice, every show. Despite spending almost all their time together, Rachel seemed annoyed by her presence. It wasn’t until Rachel one time got drunk and confessed that Nora had assigned herself as Rachel’s protector after Nora almost lost her. Toni didn’t know the details, but she didn’t need to. She knew enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the last year, though, Nora had eased away. When Toni asked her why, Nora admitted that Rachel had more people in her life that looked after her now. Toni promised her that she’d do anything to keep Rachel safe. Nora believed her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yo, Marty, wanna be my plus one for this party that Fatin’s throwing for us?” Toni asked, trying to distract Rachel and Nora from themselves so that they didn’t start fighting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha grinned at her. “Oh my gosh, yes! That’s so exciting! What do I wear?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh man, I wanted to take Martha,” Dot complained and threw a wrapper at Toni’s head. “Why do you always get Martha?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toni rolled her eyes and took out a bag of takis from a cabinet. “Because she’s been my friend a lot longer, asshole. It’s not my fault that we’re only friends with each other.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Parties really do remind me that being an introvert is kind of a buzzkill,” Leah muttered and reached into the bag of takis, grabbing a handful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please do not eat too many,” Martha chided, glaring at the band for diving into the taki bag. “Dinner will be ready soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Mom,” Toni joked before putting three takis into her mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No fucking hoarding the bag,” Rachel stated and grabbed the bag from Toni’s hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t even fucking live here!” Toni yelled back. “You just mooch off of our shit. Did you buy this bag?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bought it,” Martha interrupted, causing everyone to laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rachel grinned at Toni. “Who’s the mooch now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off,” Toni replied and sat down on Leah’s lap. “You people are the worst.”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>After dropping Payne off at their apartment only a few minutes away from Shelby’s, Fatin asked Shelby how the trip to the falafel place went. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Toni… doesn’t really like me. So, it was a little awkward. She got kind of upset when I asked her if she was visiting her family in Minnesota.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin sighed and shook her head. “Yeah, don’t mention her family. I don’t know much, but from what Toni’s best friend has told me, she doesn’t really have one. And don’t take it personally. It has taken me a really long time to have the relationship I have with her now. She was convinced when we first met that I was just trying to steal their money. She has severe trust issues, I think, but don’t lose hope. She liked your music. So you’ve got that going for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know how to react to that. Honestly, it didn’t make her feel a lot better. (Especially the part about her family, which made her feel like a jerk.) “Am I supposed to wait until she doesn’t hate me anymore?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin shrugged. “Pretty much. Don’t try that hard, though. That was my first mistake. The nicer I was, the more she disliked me. Then I was a total bitch to her. I guess she respected that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t want to be a ‘bitch’ to Toni. She didn’t even know what that would entail. She was raised with southern kindness. The harshest thing she was told she could say was “bless your heart.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was like Fatin could tell that she was confused. “Look, don’t overthink it. Think about the positives. You blew them all away. Even if Toni doesn’t like you, she probably respects your music. That’s still huge. And—there’s a guy standing outside of your apartment building. Wait, isn’t that Andrew? I thought you two broke up.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby froze. She hadn’t seen him in weeks, nor did she want to see him ever again. “We did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit,” Fatin cursed. “I can go to your apartment with you if you want. Wait until he leaves.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby appreciated the offer and kindness, but she didn’t want to burden Fatin with anything. Besides, she didn’t want Andrew to say something in front of Fatin. He could be mean when he got angry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s okay. I just have to tell him to leave. Thank you, though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fatin shook her head as if she didn’t think she needed thanks. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to park here until I watch him leave. I just want to make sure you get back to your apartment safe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby nodded, not willing to argue with her, even if she sort of wanted to. “Thanks, Fatin. I’ll see you later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second she got out of the car, Andrew started to approach her. She wasn’t scared of him, but she was scared of the connection he had to her father. She knew that anything she said would get back to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you were with her,” Andrew said as a greeting, referring to Fatin, who he hated like Shelby’s father did. “Ever since you met her, you’ve been so different. Did she convince you to break up with me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shelby shook her head confidently. “No, Andrew. I made that decision for myself. I’m sorry, I really am.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tried to move to the door, but he stood in front of her. “I was going to propose. I’m about to graduate from college and join my father’s business. I was going to take care of you, Shelby. Just like we always talked about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew that she had led him on for years. She knew that. She played along just enough to be completely convincing. She felt awful, but it wasn’t like she could completely explain herself to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to get married right now,” Shelby told him vaguely, sticking to the information she told her parents. “It has nothing to do with you, Andrew, I just don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head rapidly. “I spent years with you, Shelby. I thought we wanted the same things. If I had known that you would throw it all away before marriage, I wouldn’t have stayed with you for so long.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to react to the news that she was only a potential wife for him. That he didn’t get a single thing out of being in a long-term relationship with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what,” he continued before she even had a chance to speak. “You’re so selfish. Everyone thinks you’re so perfect and so pure, but I know you have secrets. And you know what? When you want me back, I’ll say no. Because who would ever want someone like you?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked away, leaving her confused and upset. She wished that she could be surprised by all of it, but the truth was, she never really liked him very much. He wasn’t awful like a lot of guys could be when she wouldn’t touch them, but he wasn’t kind or gentle unless her family was around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>More than anything, she was just upset she stayed with him for so long. Not just for his sake, but for her own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After waving to Fatin, she went up to her apartment. Thinking about all the time she wasted being with him when she barely even liked him platonically. She spent so much time with him, instead of being with </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
  <span>That was the worst part. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She flopped onto her bed and went onto Instagram. She didn’t do this often. She didn’t allow herself to. It always hurt her too much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Becca Gilroy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not following her private account, she could only see so much. But she could see the bio. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She/her. Musician. Wife. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When Becca moved to England, Shelby acted like the woman had left her life entirely. Hell, like she left the planet. It was easier to think about it in that way than think about the truth. That in reality, Becca could be a phone call away, except for the fact that Shelby knew she wouldn’t pick up. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Come find me on twitter @unsinkablegayt if you wanna chat!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. easy on you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shelby and Toni attend Fatin's party at the club. </p>
<p>They connect. At least, a little.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the late chapter! Hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Toni was tired, but somehow, practicing their set non-stop for two days wasn’t the problem. She could do that in her sleep. Even marathon lyric writing with Leah until three in the morning had little effect on her. It was the fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>party </span>
  </em>
  <span>that bothered her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shocking everyone she knew and honestly herself, she wasn’t a big partier. She would only party in high school with the intention of destroying herself in some way. She never went to have fun, only to get fucked up. It didn’t happen frequently, but it happened enough for Martha’s mom to give her this long talk about it. After high school, parties got slightly better, but some of the scenes were a little rougher. Harder drugs, less cheap liquor, and sex in the bathroom or in the back alleys. For someone with alcoholism and addiction running in her blood, it wasn’t always the best scene.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She much preferred to stay in with her bandmates or go to an underground bar with good music than go to a party. But she was sure that parties she had been to in the past were going to be nothing like a Fatin Jadmani party. She had no idea what to expect except for extravagance, knowing her. The mystery of it all just stressed her out, leaving her exhausted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s the dress code?” Martha asked Toni as she played scum with Dot, Nora, and Leah on the floor of their apartment. “Do I need a fancy dress?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, I hope not,” Toni muttered, realizing that she hadn’t even thought about what she was going to wear. “I haven’t worn a dress since… shit. I don’t even know when.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fatin’s already making us go to this party,” Dot sighed with a frown. “The last thing I’m going to do is wear clothes that make me feel uncomfortable. I’m probably going in cargo pants, let’s be honest.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel shook her head. “She knows us well enough to understand that none of us are going to show up in a dress. Though she might wish Rilke was showing up in one.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni glared at her bandmate. It was usually an unspoken rule among the band to not talk about the killer sexual tension between Leah and Fatin. Leah had been through a lot of shit in her life and had a relationship that really fucked her up. Toni didn’t know all the specifics, she just knew that Leah could relate to Phoebe Bridgers’ song “Motion Sickness” and that a man that Toni would love to beat up took advantage of her. Leah hadn’t been in a relationship in a while because of it. She was still healing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was obvious to all of them, though, that Fatin looked at Leah like she was afraid to ever look away and miss something. Considering that they started out with misunderstanding each other, they had certainly made a lot of progress. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni treated Fatin like she treated almost everyone when she first met them; with standoffishness and an attitude. With Leah, though, it was different. Fatin made the early mistake by jokingly asking Leah to fall in love with someone who would make her happy so that one of her love songs wouldn’t be so depressing. Leah took it really seriously and refused to talk to her for weeks until Fatin apologized and told her that she wouldn’t want Leah any other way than herself and that she loved her lyrics. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Since then, it was always wide smiles from Fatin and blushing from Leah. They would stare at each other when they weren’t looking and make insane eye contact when they accidentally touched. Gross shit like that. Toni knew that there were two problems, though. One being that Fatin had a reputation for hitting and then quitting. The second being the fucking man that screwed with Leah’s head. Despite all of that and Toni’s pessimistic views on love and relationships, she had hope for them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I fucking don’t have anything to wear,” Toni interrupted quickly, trying to get everyone’s attention after the slip that Rachel made. “I might just show up in a hoodie and baggy jeans.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have that fly jacket,” Dot pointed out. “What the hell would you call that? Is it technically a bomber jacket?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knew exactly what Dot was talking about. It was her brown jacket that she used to wear everywhere. It was her mom’s. Wearing it made her feel the closest to home, even when she was in a random house with random people and far from anyone she considered family. She stopped wearing it the night things ended with Regan. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As if Leah knew exactly what was going on in Toni’s mind, she announced, “I’m going to wear a romper.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your ass does look good in that,” Rachel sighed and sat with them on the floor. “And suddenly I wish I had a life in high school in which I actually gave a shit about clothes.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knew they could all relate. Strangely enough, none of them had the typical high school experience. Hell, in some ways, they were all expected to be adults, but in different ways. For Dot, she was expected to not only take care of herself, but also her father as well. For Martha, she had to recover from uncovering trauma. For Nora, she considered herself Rachel’s lifetime protector, spending her youth worried about her. For Leah, a predator expected her to act like and be an adult. For Rachel, she forced herself to train like an adult to be seen by her parents. For Toni, she never had a childhood to begin with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ooh,” Martha said and jumped up and clapped. “I can pick out clothes for all of you! That would be super fun!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That would be super </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>fun,” Toni corrected with a groan. “I bet Shelby Goodkind’s going to show up in some fancy ass dress and make the rest of us look like shit.” The five of them glared at her almost immediately. “What? It’s fucking true.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Will she look nice? Probably,” Dot explained with a shrug. “But dude, that doesn’t mean she’s purposefully trying to make us look bad.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel nodded in agreement. “Do you see how hard she fucking tries with us? She wants us to like her. You especially, Shalifoe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni opened her mouth to argue, but Leah gave her this stern look, warning her to stop. Unfortunately, she just couldn’t help herself. “Have you considered that she’s just pitying us? It’s like fake southern charm.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I don’t have that!” Dot retorted with an eye roll, referring to her own youth growing up in Texas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, but you’re not charming at all, dude. I’m just saying. She’s two minutes away from telling me ‘bless your heart.’ I don’t know if any of it is real.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were all quiet for a second before Leah brought up quietly, “I don’t think it’s all fake. Her lyrics are real. Not even you can deny that, Toni. She might be hiding something, or herself, but that doesn’t mean she’s completely fake.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni hated it when Leah made sense. All logical and shit. If there was anyone that could convince Toni of anything, it would probably be Leah. Toni was also just about the one of the few (other than Fatin) who was willing to even listen to her occasional obsessions during downward spirals.. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I can’t wait to meet her,” Martha said, ending the moment of awkward silence. “If you won’t be her friend, Toni, I sure will.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni was sure that if Martha wanted to be friends with Shelby, she would end up doing it. Martha was the kind of person that everyone loved. She could be a little shy at first, but it was obvious to just about everyone that she had a huge heart and a huge capacity to love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble,” Nora stated suddenly, catching everyone off guard. “But if we’re supposed to get there in an hour, we should probably start getting ready.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby was always comforted by the delicate process of getting ready. It always calmed her nerves. She guessed that as a teenage pageant queen, it became almost a ritual for her. She could spend hours doing it. The more perfect she looked, the less imperfect she felt. She suspected people like Toni would call her “fake” for it. Maybe she was. It was still hard for her to know what parts of her were real and what parts weren't. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She heard the buzz of her phone against the blanket on her bed. She didn’t have to pick up her phone to know that the texts were from her parents. She was correct to assume that Andrew would tell them everything, not that he had too much to add except for the fact that when she said no, she meant it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She expected the backlash and disappointment. Shelby knew exactly what her parents wanted for her. A husband, kids, and a job as a homemaker and baker for church festivities. For the longest time, Shelby told herself that was what she wanted, too. It wasn’t until she started to perform with Becca singing Christian music around churches when she realized she wanted more from life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her parents didn’t respect that. At this point, Shelby wasn’t sure if they ever would. There was still a huge part of her that wanted to make her parents proud and earn their love, but she knew deep down that the only way to do that was to keep pretending and not live her life. She was terrified of losing them, even if losing them might mean her freedom. They were her family, after all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ignoring them wasn’t a good solution. She knew that it wasn’t going to do her any good in the long run, but she was avoiding what she knew was probably going to eventually happen. Her parents finding out who she really was and abandoning her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She just couldn’t handle that. Not now, at least. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So until then, she put on her make-up and ignored their texts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne and their best friend, Momoko, were picking her up. She tried to not let it bother her that she didn’t have anyone to bring. She used to have more friends than she could count, but they didn’t know her. And the truth was, she didn’t really know them, either. They were friends because it was convenient and easy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Momoko started droning on about Payne’s suit, something that Shelby didn’t think she could ever wear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I could never pull that off,” Shelby commented with admiration.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne snorted. “Shelby, anyone can pull off a suit. That’s the thing about them. They look good on everyone. Besides, you have seen yourself in the mirror, right? Shelby, you look so good in everything. Especially in that dress.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby thought her dress felt suddenly tight. It was red and short. Definitely the kind of dress her parents would not have allowed in their household. She hadn’t worn it before because she was mostly too afraid to. She thought if she was ever going to wear it, it might as well be tonight, which marked the beginning of the life her parents wouldn’t want her to have.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you kindly.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really though, Shelby,” Momoko stated with a hint of curiosity in her voice, like she knew something but wasn’t going to say it. “If you ever want to try a suit, we’d be so happy to help you buy one.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby immediately felt almost sick to her stomach and forgot how to breathe. She couldn’t help but think about things her parents said about what men and women should and should not be wearing for the sake of looking proper in the eyes of God. Her father’s voice was always in her head. Reminding her of her sins. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Trying to swallow her fear, she replied, “I appreciate the offer.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you ever been to this club?” Payne asked as they parked a few blocks away from the venue, saving Shelby from having to continue the conversation about suits. “Clubs are not exactly my scene.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby shook her head. “Clubs are not my scene either. I have no idea what to expect. Knowin’ Fatin, it will probably be intense.” She didn’t think it would necessarily be wild, though. She knew that Fatin would never purposefully put her in a situation where she would be uncomfortable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This rock band,” Momoko began as they got out of the vehicle, “what’s their deal? Payne won’t stop talking about them. If I didn’t know better, based on how they’re talking, Rachel Reid might be a God.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby tried to laugh and smile, but the sad truth was, she didn’t know them very well. Payne might have clicked with them right away, but she still felt a little wary being around them. Especially around Toni. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rachel is </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>cool,” Payne emphasized with a grin. “I mean, really kind of intimidating, but I just know they’re tough and genuine and really h—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, Payne, we all know you have a crush,” Momoko joked with the shake of her head. “How will you be on the road with them for weeks on end? The gayness will overwhelm you, I'm sure.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby felt itchy. She just wanted to get outside of her head for just a few minutes. Hell, she would drink at this party if she could. She had only gotten drunk once, with Becca, and she was pretty sure she was a disaster. But she’d almost prefer to make a fool of herself than continue with this conversation with her father’s voice in her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a line outside of the door to the club. Shelby suddenly felt more than nervous. She felt like she had to prove to people that she deserved this tour. Not just with her music, but as an artist. She knew that sometimes the music didn’t matter as much as the reputation of the artist. She knew her current reputation was that she was a virgin Christian. She felt like she was seen by some fans, but she knew others just wanted to laugh at her or infantilize her. She wished she could be like Toni and just not care, but she wasn’t like that. She cared too much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The club wasn’t as intense as she thought it would be. She was expecting loud music and dim lights, but most of the sound came from the rambling of people. Shelby realized early on that there were plenty of other singers and bands there, too, and not just clients of Fatin’s. Indie performers like her and rockers like Diogenes were all around, but there were also other types of artists. Photographers, writers, painters. It was almost a community of artists who all didn’t seem to fit in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby!” Fatin greeted, wearing the largest hoops Shelby thought she had ever seen. Fatin was wearing this leather skirt and tight sleeveless bra. Like always, Fatin looked gorgeous, projecting a self-confidence that Shelby wished she could have. “Payne! Random person! I’m so glad you are all here. I just realized five minutes ago that half the people here are people I slept with. It’s actually unsettling.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can believe it,” Shelby replied and looked around the room, trying to decide who was Fatin’s type and who wasn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You all look great,” Fatin complimented, forcing all three of them to spin around for her. “Dorothy texted and warned me that the band apparently doesn’t give a shit about their appearance. Knowing Toni, she’ll probably pull off whatever look she wears anyway.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby couldn’t disagree. It was the confidence. Toni didn’t give an eff about what people thought about her. She radiated that feeling. It made everything she did seem that much cooler. That much more real. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fatin, what do you want us to do here?” Shelby asked, knowing that she was letting her manager become aware that she was nervous and uncomfortable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin frowned slightly. “Don’t even worry about it, Shelby. You do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>have to prove yourself to these people. You already have the tour because you earned it. Honestly, if I were you, I would just take it all in. All the attention and love. These people are here because they fucking respect you. Well, and because I asked. But still. Just… revel in it all.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby took a deep breath and nodded. She knew that she didn’t have to be Shelby Goodkind, the dutiful and Christian daughter, here. She still wasn’t completely sure who she really was, but she didn’t have to pretend to be anyone else. Just remembering that brought her a bit of relief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is there anyone you want to introduce us to?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin grinned at her with pride. “That’s the spirit, babe! C’mon. I want to introduce you to another client of mine. Aria Zale.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The three of them were led to a beautiful and tall woman drinking a beer and leaning against the wall, talking to a group of others. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aria!” Fatin greeted cheerfully. “This is Shelby Goodkind, her partner in crime, Payne Robinson, and Payne’s friend…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Momoko,” she finished for Fatin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aria grinned at them. “Holy shit. It is so nice to meet you all! I’m Aria and this is my band that I usually record with. Shelby, I know you don’t sing a lot about religion anymore, but I just have to say, I respect all the faith that you bring into your music. It’s like I hear it, even if that’s not what all the songs are about, you know?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby was almost startled. She usually got laughed at by people who knew her past with religious music. “Oh, wow, thank you. I really appreciate that. It’s not every day that I get that compliment.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aria nodded like she understood completely. “It’s totally not as respected anymore. It’s like people forgot that major artists were birthed by their love for their faith. Like, hello, did you forget who Bono is? But I—oh shit, is that Toni?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby immediately spun around. Toni and her band entered the establishment, sticking out like a sore thumb. Toni was wearing a plain black t-shirt with a gold chain and camo shorts, Dot was wearing her normal grunge band t-shirt and cargo pants, Rachel was wearing a tank top and athletic leggings, and Leah was wearing a romper. None of them really fit in with each other or the people in the club, but that didn’t seem to matter to them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How much are we embarrassing you right now?” Toni almost shouted a good few feet away from Fatin, who was just shaking her head with amusement. “Is there food and drink? We’re here to fucking mooch.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“First,” Fatin said and turned her head to look directly at Leah and smile at her, “hi beautiful.” Leah blushed and pushed some hair behind her ear. Fatin shifted her attention back to the rest of the band. “Second, you always embarrass me, Toni Shalifoe. And third, there are snacks and alcohol that you’re not allowed to drink. No getting drunk. That’s an order. You are all hot messes without alcohol in you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni,” Aria greeted, smiling at her quite differently than she did when she met Shelby. “It’s nice to see you again. It’s good to see that you haven’t changed at all.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t nearly smile as hard as Aria did. “I never do. Much to the fucking chagrin of everyone else around me. We can catch up, but like, if I don’t introduce Marty to Shelby, she might just kill me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby turned her attention to the woman standing next to Toni. She was wearing a gorgeous dress, her hair and make-up done perfectly. It was almost funny to see her standing next to Toni. They looked like they got dressed for two very different occasions. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Marty,” Toni continued with a sigh and pointed to Shelby, “this is Shelby Goodkind. Shelby, this is Martha Blackburn.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha squealed and immediately waved at her. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I have just been a big fan for so long! When Toni told me that she was opening for you, I nearly passed out I was so excited.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha was bubbly and bright. Shelby already liked her and smiled at her warmly. “Lord, thank you so much. It’s so nice to meet you, too! Are you goin’ to see us play?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha nodded rapidly and grabbed Toni’s arm in a way that made Shelby realize that they were close. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really </span>
  </em>
  <span>close. “I’m actually going on tour with you! Fatin knew she couldn’t separate me from Toni and the rest of the band.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin snorted. “It’s really because Martha’s just about the only one who keeps Toni on the straight and narrow. Well, straight’s the wrong word. But you get what I’m saying.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Shelby replied, feeling like she was finally starting to understand what was going on. She realized that Toni and Martha were probably a couple. She tried her hardest not to feel uncomfortable and the urge to run away. “Well, I’m glad you’ll be joinin’ us. The more the merrier, I always say.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha grinned at her so brightly. Shelby didn’t know how she could be this incredibly kind soul and be with Toni. She wondered if they balanced each other out, or something. It was odd, though. She couldn’t stop thinking about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>People started separating off quickly. Dot ran into some guy she met a few months ago at a show, Rachel introduced her twin Nora (who Shelby realized was very different than her sister) to Payne, Fatin’s attention was solely on Leah (who was telling her all about the new lyrics she wrote), and Toni was bombarded by Aria’s small talk. Talking to Martha was easy for Shelby. Martha was kind and actually interested in the things that Shelby had to say. It was so different from conversations Shelby had with people pretending to be her friends over the years. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite having a meaningful conversation with Martha, she just couldn’t help but find herself staring at Toni from across the room. It didn’t seem like Aria was going to let the brunette go. Shelby couldn’t help but think that Toni looked like she was being suffocated. If Shelby wasn’t so afraid of Toni hating her for it, she’d want to save her.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Toni hooked up with Aria once. She was very miserably drunk at the time, and quite honestly, didn’t remember a lot of the night. Aria was now saying things to her as if they had been close for years, talking about her mommy issues and coke problems like she was her therapist or some shit. It wasn’t like Toni didn’t like her, she just didn’t want to be this close to her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She kept looking around to find someone else to latch onto so she could leave Aria, but none of the options were looking good. She couldn’t interrupt Fatin and Leah, who were talking very closely to each other in a corner, Shelby and Martha, because the last thing she wanted was to watch her best friend talk to someone a lot more like Martha than herself, or Rachel and Dot, who were dancing with Payne and their friend to songs Toni didn’t like.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then it happened while Aria started talking about her ex. Toni watched out of the corner of her eye as Martha got a phone call and darted toward the exit of the club. Toni was about ready to chase after her when she noticed this lanky grease-ball approach Shelby with two drinks in his hands. Something about it made the hairs on the back of her neck stand straight up. She watched carefully as Shelby talked to him, her eyes shifting in all directions. The blonde laughed nervously and started slowly backing away, almost like she was doing it subconsciously. The man took a step closer and reached out to touch her arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hate to interrupt,” Toni blurted out to Aria, “but I have to go help someone. Um, I’ll see you later.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t even hear what Aria said as she walked away and sprinted toward the blonde. “Shelby!” She shouted, only slightly out of breath. “There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Shelby’s eyes widened, surprised as Toni grabbed the drink the guy gave her and gave it back to him. “Sorry, I need your help.” Toni turned to look at the guy, who was confused and angry. “Sorry. I have lady problems.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni dragged Shelby away before the man had something to say about it. “Just keep walking,” she muttered under her breath as she dragged her to the opposite side of the club. When she was sure that the guy hadn’t followed them, she sighed and let go of the blonde. “You okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blonde looked up at her, still obviously confused, and nodded. “Yes. I—thank you. Unfortunately, that happens from time to time. I think that’s the first time someone has actually intervened, though.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That enraged Toni. “God, men are such assholes. I don’t know what’s worse. That they don’t pick up on signals or that they don’t care about the signals they pick up. Actually, I definitely know the answer to that. Fuck.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby’s facial expression softened. “It’s okay, Toni.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni couldn’t turn it off, her anger. “It’s not okay. I hate that happens to you. I hate that it happens to anyone. I hate that—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m alright, Toni,” Shelby interrupted with a small smile. “You got me away from him. That’s what matters, okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni nodded, but the rage was only just simmering. “If this happens while we’re on tour, just come over to me or something. I usually have enough lesbian and scary energy to make men run.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blonde laughed softly, which was strange after she practically flinched at the word ‘lesbian.’ “I’ll remember that. Martha got a call from her mom, I think. She’s really great. How long have you two been together?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knew it wasn’t the first time someone assumed it, but somehow, coming from Shelby made it that much worse. “Jesus fucking Christ, we’re not together. She’s just my best friend. She’s practically my family.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Shelby replied, horror clear in her expression. “I apologize. I just thought…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Toni said with an angry shrug, trying to act like she didn’t care when she did. “So, is Payne into Rachel, or what?” Toni didn’t know why she asked the question or continued talking to her. It just came out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby raised her eyebrows, looking startled at the change of conversation like she didn’t expect Toni to say anything. “Um… I’m not quite sure. Why? Is Rachel into them?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck if I know. I don’t think I’ve ever known Rachel to be seriously into anyone. But I guess it’s possible.” Feeling uneasy, she felt relieved when seeing her best friend re-enter the club. “Marty’s coming back. I’ll talk to you later, Princess.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni could hear Shelby say goodbye as she walked to the dance floor. She had so much energy from the anger that she needed to let out before she hit someone. Dot cheered when Toni greeted her, Rachel, Payne, and Momoko. Toni wasn’t one to dance often, but when she did, she got very into it. She swayed to every beat and liked to grind against her friends and strangers when the time was right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But every few minutes, she couldn’t help but look for the blonde. She told herself it was because she was worried about the man approaching her again, but even she knew that the lie she was telling herself was a bad one. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. dancing in the dark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shelby and Diogenes prepare for the tour. </p>
<p>Shelby and Toni share a moment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Like always, the lyrics are mine! Thank you so much for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shelby had to admit, Toni had surprised her the night of the party. Shelby thought she was going to have to play the ‘I have a boyfriend’ card and hope that the guy would leave her alone after that. Sometimes it worked. Other times, she had less luck. But this time, it was Toni of all people who came to her rescue. Abandoning a very attractive woman, who was overtly flirting with her, to help get her away from him no less. She didn’t think that Toni would be paying attention to her or liked her enough to do that. She figured it must have been more of a ‘women protect women’ kind of thing. </p>
<p>The rest of the night had been more uneventful. Fatin introduced her and the band to several of her friends, colleagues, and people who might be interested in giving them record deals. Fatin could not have said nicer things about all of them. It should have been an ego boost if anything, but Shelby really wanted the night to be over. Despite Martha. </p>
<p>For most of the night, Shelby just spent a lot of time talking to Toni’s best friend, who Shelby adored after talking to her for only a few minutes. She might have been one of the nicest people Shelby had ever met. They talked a lot about the adjustment of living in Philly after growing up in an environment that didn’t consist of city living. Shelby listened closely as Martha talked about her life and loving family (which included Toni). Shelby thought it was strange hearing stories about Toni that made her seem so much different than the one she thought she knew. Shelby heard about a softer side to her, one that she couldn’t really believe from what she experienced. </p>
<p>Martha was the kind of person Shelby felt like she could tell anything. When telling Martha about her past, full of family, Jesus, and pageants, she left out a lot. Things that she <em> wanted </em>to tell her, but still couldn’t find the courage to. </p>
<p>After the party, she still texted Martha all the time. Well, between her long rehearsals with Payne, who couldn’t really stop talking about Rachel. Shelby wasn’t sure what it was going to be like hanging out with the band all the time, but she knew that she had a good friend in Martha, and that made her feel a lot better about the entire situation. </p>
<p>Shelby taught Payne all of the songs that she had performed at the rehearsal with Diogenes. After Payne had mastered all of those songs, Shelby knew that she only had a few days left to teach Payne her other songs. The songs she had never performed or sung to or in front of anyone. She thought that after all this time with them, she would be able to share her lyrics. But every time she even thought about sharing her more personal songs, the songs that made her feel the most vulnerable, she felt this dread that was overwhelming in every way. </p>
<p>Payne was patient and an angel about it, of course. If they knew that Shelby was struggling with it, they didn’t say anything about it. They just let her do whatever felt comfortable to her, no questions asked. But Shelby knew that if she was actually going to perform these songs, Payne needed to know them. </p>
<p>Despite knowing that, Shelby was only able to introduce one more song to her. She called it “antithesis.” It was one of those songs that she would consider to be on the edge of her personal abyss. It wasn’t too revealing, but it was more honest than most of her songs. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I know the necklace </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Hangs ironically around my neck </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It should be loose but it isn’t </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It’s around like a noose </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Some days it’s my only saving grace </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And if that’s not enough </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It’s the only home I know </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> But not a sanctuary </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Am I still being heard? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Or have I lost the one thing </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> That made me feel so warm and alone </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Somehow at the same time </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> How can both be true? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Believe me </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I speak the same words </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sing the same songs </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> But I can’t hear the meaning </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I still want to see you dance </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> In my Heaven </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And if that’s not enough </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It’s the only home I know </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> But not a sanctuary </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> How can both be true? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Believe me </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After Shelby performed it for the first time, her voice shaking almost during the entire performance, Payne just stared at her. At first, Shelby thought that Payne was so startled by how much they hated it to say anything. But then, Payne just stood up and clapped. They told her that it was Shelby’s best song yet. Shelby wished that gave her the confidence to play the rest of her songs, but it didn’t. </p>
<p>Instead, they focused on that song, adding a few lyrics here and there, speeding it up and slowing it down to find the exact right tempo for a song that Payne declared “needed to be closely listened to.” Payne went on and on about the song, but not once did Payne ask any intrusive questions about it. It was like they just accepted the song as it was: a confession that terrified Shelby to share with the world. </p>
<p>The week and a half went by faster than Shelby expected. With the songs they rehearsed, she felt confident about performing them. It was the other songs— the songs she hadn’t sung in front of Payne— that she wasn’t sure she would be able to perform. She didn’t technically need them for the tour, but she wanted to be able to sing them. She wanted to be able to prove to herself that she was a real and honest musician. </p>
<p>“Do you two feel like you’re ready for tomorrow’s show?” </p>
<p>Fatin had watched them perform their setlist that they were going to play in Philly to start off the tour as a sort of send-off. Shelby felt amazing about what they just performed. She just wished she had the guts to play <em> more.  </em></p>
<p>“I feel good about it,” Shelby answered and turned to Payne, to see if they were on the same page. “What do you think?” </p>
<p>Payne nodded with an excited grin. “We’ve got this setlist down. You’re going to blow them all away tomorrow.” </p>
<p>Shelby smiled softly, appreciating their positivity. <em> “We’re </em>goin’ to blow them away. This is a group effort, Payne. I couldn’t have done this without you. That’s for darn sure.” </p>
<p>Fatin looked between the two of them and sighed. “You two are too cute. It’s almost nauseating. Okay, I feel super confident about what’s going on here. Thank God. Soundcheck is at seven tomorrow. I have to go check on Diogenes and make sure they’ve got things under control.” </p>
<p>Shelby felt relieved. She trusted Fatin. If she thought they were ready, Shelby was sure they were. </p>
<p>“Hey, Fatin?” Shelby asked, her voice low and unsure as Fatin spun around to face her again before leaving. “Thank you so much. For all of this. Sometimes I feel like you believed in me when no one else did.” </p>
<p>Fatin grinned at her. “Sweetie, you deserve the hell out of this, okay? Any good manager would be doing this for you. This is all because of you. When you have people begging for an encore, that’s all you.” </p>
<p>The thought of people chanting for an encore was thrilling. It would represent more than just a crowd wanting more music, it would mean that they wanted more of her. More of the <em> real </em>her. The real her that she spent decades covering up, almost like a blemish with make-up. She thought that maybe if they really wanted her, she’d realize she wasn’t a blemish at all.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Martha acted as their taste tester, if their songs were food. They still hadn’t come up with a word for it, yet, but Martha was basically listening to all of their songs and was figuring out which ones went best with other songs. Toni thought the feedback was surprisingly helpful. She was worried at first that her best friend would say that they were all good, or something as annoyingly positive as that, but she genuinely gave her opinions. It was exactly what she felt like they needed. </p>
<p>It was a week and a half of pure chaos. With Toni and Rachel’s tenacity, they went at their music for hours, perfecting even the smallest of mistakes. There was a lot of Redbull, coffee, and Takis consumed in the week. Though, to be fair, compared to most days, that was what her normal meals were like anyway. </p>
<p>She thought she would hate the intensity of the rehearsals, but besides the lack of sleep, she liked how fast it was going. When she was practicing, her mind wasn’t focused on the stress and anxiety of the tour. She couldn’t stop thinking that she would have been confident that they would be liked by an audience who purposefully came to see them, but with an audience for such a vanilla indie artist, Toni just had trouble picturing it going well. </p>
<p>Fatin kept telling Toni to have faith in herself as an artist. Toni could feign the confidence all day if she had to, but feeling that confidence, that was a whole different problem. She had been practicing her portrayal of confidence her entire life. She wasn’t white or straight or a man. The world was already against her as it was. She thought confidence would give her a boost. It also kept her alive in situations where someone wanted to threaten her. </p>
<p>But that feeling of true confidence in her abilities? That wasn’t there. </p>
<p>“You look deep in thought,” Rachel muttered and sat on the ledge of the roof with her. Toni went up to the roof for silence and to ignore her urge to smoke a cigarette after having quit for years. “Who knew you could do that.” </p>
<p>Toni couldn’t help but snort at that. “Wow, thanks for coming up here and criticizing me. You know how much I love it.” </p>
<p>Rachel shrugged and looked down at the ground. “You know, when I joined this fucking band, I thought there was no way that we’d ever go on a tour. I mean, of course, I wanted it, but there was a part of me who thought all of this was pointless.” </p>
<p>She gaped at her slightly, not understanding what Rachel’s point was. “You’re saying some pretty damn harsh words while we’re sitting on a ledge. You got some guts.” </p>
<p>“Fuck,” she sighed, “I’m not getting this outright. Okay, my point is, I thought we were going to work to the fucking bone only to get nowhere, but here we are, going somewhere. Even if we get booed off the stage and go back to playing underground gay bars, Toni, we exceeded fucking expectations even being offered this tour.” </p>
<p>Toni could tell Rachel that she didn’t know what she would do if they failed. Because the truth was, she was terrified of her bandmates leaving. She was terrified of losing the only people she ever considered calling her family. She couldn’t help but think that if they continued to succeed, they would never leave her. It was all completely ridiculous and superficial, she knew that, but she couldn’t help but think it. </p>
<p>“We did.” </p>
<p>“I’m shitty at pep talks, aren’t I? Uh… you got this, Toni. We’re great.” </p>
<p>Toni grinned and shook her head. “Very convincing. I’m chill, Rachel. I just came up here to—” </p>
<p>“Stare into fucking oblivion?” </p>
<p>She nodded softly. “Something like that.” </p>
<p>“That’s cool, I just came up here to do the same. Also, Rilke was annoying me. I can only hear her talk about the depressed skeleton bleached hair woman for so long.” </p>
<p>Toni snorted, “Are you talking about Phoebe Bridgers?” </p>
<p>“I don’t fucking know,” Rachel responded, throwing their hands up into the air. “Fatin’s coming over. She texted. I know you probably didn’t check your phone, so I thought I’d tell you.” </p>
<p>“Awww,” Toni said in a tone an octave higher, “babe, you know me so well.” </p>
<p>Rachel shoved her slightly. “Shut the hell up.” </p>
<p>Toni pretended to gasp. “You shouldn’t hit someone on a ledge. I could have fallen.” </p>
<p>“Oh no, whatever would we have done,” Rachel deadpanned and got up from the ledge. “You coming? I cannot face Leah alone.” </p>
<p>“What about Dot?” Toni asked as she got up with her. </p>
<p>“Dot’s too goddamn nice sometimes.” </p>
<p>They returned to their studio to find Fatin already there, sitting across from Leah, who was staring at her so hard that Toni wondered if she had completely stopped blinking. Toni pondered how long they were going to do this pinging from afar thing before they got together. Knowing them, it could take forever. Toni didn’t know how much more of it she could take. </p>
<p>“‘Le Trash?’ Fatin, your shirt offends me.” </p>
<p>Fatin rolled her eyes, ignoring Toni’s comment about her loud clothing. Toni made a lot of assumptions about her manager at first because of her clothes. Only some of the assumptions were true, though Fatin continuously seemed to prove her wrong. </p>
<p>“I am always ever so grateful for your clever quips, Toni. So witty.” </p>
<p>Toni flipped her off before joining Leah on their gross (possibly bug-infested) couch and wrapped her arm around her friend’s shoulders, knowing that it would get a reaction out of Fatin. Leah, who tended to show trust with physical contact, didn’t notice a thing. She just sunk into Toni’s arm. Fatin attempted to hide her grimace as Toni just grinned at her knowingly. </p>
<p>“Uh, well, Shelby’s sounding really good. I think you’ll be impressed tomorrow. What’s going on here with you guys? And I’m asking Rachel, here. I know she’ll be straight up with me.” </p>
<p>“None of us are straight, Fatin,” Toni interrupted before Rachel could say anything. </p>
<p>Fatin narrowed her eyes at her. “Thanks for the reminder, Shalifoe. For a second, I was positive you were straight.” </p>
<p>Toni pretended to gasp dramatically. “That’s, like, the worst thing you could say to me, Fatin.” </p>
<p>Fatin opened her mouth to retort, but Rachel stated, “Hey, children, are you two done, yet? Because I was going to answer the question you asked.” </p>
<p>“Of course,” Fatin replied, offering her a smile that Rachel did not return. “You may proceed.” </p>
<p>“Honestly,” Rachel said and sighed, “everything is going really well. We’ve worked damn hard on this. I think we’ll still be arguing about the setlists minutes before we perform, but if that’s the worst thing that could happen, I think we’re on the right track.” </p>
<p>“Hold up,” Dot said with a frown. “When are we not straight up with you, dude? Why is it just Rachel that you just trust?”  </p>
<p>Fatin shrugged. “They’re just more brutal. Have you all packed yet?” </p>
<p>As Toni and Dot said no, both Rachel and Leah said yes. Somehow, Toni wasn’t surprised in the slightest. Even though they were just as much of a disaster as she and Dot, they were better at planning ahead and not doing everything last minute. Toni just thought she’d throw everything in a suitcase right before they left. She knew that if worst comes to worst, she could just steal something from one of her bandmates. Or Martha. </p>
<p>“Fifty-fifty. Not bad. You sure you don’t want one of these babies?” Fatin asked Toni and pointed to her bright orange shirt. “I have one in pink, too, Shalifoe. I’m guessing we’re about the same size, despite your height.” </p>
<p>“Speaking of,” Leah said before Toni had the chance to snap at her, “what’s happening with the merch?” </p>
<p>Fatin smiled at Leah like Leah was food at Fatin had been starving. . “Great question. The shipment’s supposed to be coming tomorrow. So we get to wear all of the shirts you and Nora designs very soon.” </p>
<p>“It’s gonna look wicked,” Toni commented and poked Leah, who looked down like she didn’t quite believe her yet. “Seriously. When that shit starts selling on Etsy, then we really will be rolling in the dough.” </p>
<p>Dot started asking Fatin about how much merch they were planning on selling, but Toni lost the thread of the conversation. She couldn’t help but be a little hung up over the fact that their band had merch. Before the tour, they had their fans who would write ‘Diogenes’ on plain white t-shirts, but that was different than having professionally made shirts that would be sold at a country-wide tour. </p>
<p>In her arms, she could feel Leah start to shake. It took her a second to realize that Leah was laughing at something Dot said to Rachel. Toni didn’t even need to know what she said to know that it was funny. Leah, the slayer of dry comedy, wouldn’t laugh at just anything. </p>
<p>Toni looked around at her bandmates and manager and felt something strange. These were her people. She never thought that she’d ever have a group of people that she could lean on. Besides Martha, she grew up pretty much as a loner. But here she was, feeling comfortable with four people that she’d jump in front of a bullet for. No matter how good Rachel’s fucking speech was on the rooftop, the fear of losing them was still there. Like a shadow looming over everything she did. Despite everything they had all been through as a group, she still felt like she was waiting to be rejected by them and thrown out like the stray she was. </p>
<hr/>
<p>Shelby normally performed in a certain scripted way, from everything to the way she dressed to the songs that she sang. She was conservative in the way she performed. With her flowery dresses with sleeves and the stool that she sat on when she sang to the content of the song lyrics. It was what she was comfortable with, but it was also what she knew what her parents were comfortable with. If they weren’t going to support her musical career, she figured she had to appease them as much as possible. </p>
<p>But now? </p>
<p>Now, she couldn’t help but think of Toni, who performed like she didn't give a shit what anyone else thought. It made the shows exciting. Alive. Toni would dance and scream and rip her shirt off and lay on the ground and belt words on the fly. </p>
<p>Shelby didn’t know if she was capable of something like that, something so daring, but she knew that she didn’t want to do her typical performance. So, for their send-off concert right in the heart of Philly, she wanted to try something new. And she wanted to start with clothes. </p>
<p>She picked her shortest and tightest dress. Blue. She put on eyeliner and lipstick and that was it. It was different from her normal concealer, eye shadow, and lip gloss. Instead of keeping her hair down, she put her hair into a high ponytail. She looked back in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize herself. She could hear exactly what her father would say if he saw a woman dressed like how she was dressed. It almost drove her to taking it all off. <em> Almost. </em>It didn’t, though. </p>
<p>She exhaled. She reminded herself she wasn’t doing this for him anymore. She wasn’t living her life for him anymore. She felt like she lost so much time not being herself already. She didn’t want to waste another minute. </p>
<p>The knock on the door to the dressing room woke her from her deep thoughts. She opened the door to find Toni there, perhaps the last person Shelby would have expected. Shelby could barely pay attention to the emotions on the other woman’s face to try to figure out what was going on. She was so focused on what Toni was wearing. Vans. Fishnet tights. And an oversized Jane’s Addiction t-shirt. </p>
<p>“Shit. I didn’t think anyone would be in here. Fuck.” </p>
<p>Shelby blinked and realized that Toni looked pale and was shaking. It wasn’t something Shelby was expecting. She always thought that Toni had this unlimited confidence. Like she knew she could conquer everything. </p>
<p>“I’m the only one in here,” Shelby replied with a shrug. “You can come in if you like. I won’t bother you, I swear.” </p>
<p>Toni debated for a few seconds before nodding and entering the room. She immediately headed to a wall and sat down on the ground, her back leaning on it. She placed her head in her hands and started to rock slightly </p>
<p>“Sorry for intruding,” Toni murmured, her voice muffled by her hands. “I would smoke to chill the fuck out, but I quit a few years ago.” </p>
<p>“That must’ve been difficult,” Shelby responded, not knowing whether she should try to distract Toni or leave her alone. “Should I get Martha or… or Leah?” </p>
<p>Toni looked back up at her and grimaced. “God, no. Shit, they’d just get worried.” </p>
<p>“Oh.” That made Shelby wonder if she was supposed to be worried. “Is the first time you’ve had… stage fright?” </p>
<p>“Jesus fucking Christ,” Toni let out with the shake of her head. “That makes it sound so fucking middle school. I get fucking nervous, Princess, before most shows. You would be this nervous too if this was the performance that might make or break your career.” </p>
<p>Shelby couldn’t help but narrow her eyes at her. “Toni, this can make or break for my career, too.” </p>
<p>“Whatever. You’re getting more popular by the fucking day,” Toni retorted and rubbed her hands along the sides of her tights. “You’re hot, you’re white, and you got that virgin Christian saint thing going for you. I have a feeling like you’re gonna be just fucking fine.” </p>
<p>It wasn’t a compliment, exactly. Though, Shelby did realize that she did call her hot, even if it was used to criticize her. Shelby didn’t know what to say about that. She didn’t feel like she could tell the woman that she wasn’t what her audience thought she was. And she definitely couldn’t tell her that she still felt like a fraud. </p>
<p>So, instead, she thought about the one thing that ever really made her feel better. She took out her phone and asked, “What’s the one song you can’t help but dance to every time you hear it?” </p>
<p>Toni looked at her like she grew three heads. “What the fuck are you talking about?” </p>
<p>Taking a deep breath and trying to gain some patience, Shelby added, “Just tell me what the song is, Toni.” </p>
<p>Toni pouted and rolled her eyes before telling her that “Waves of Nature” by WILLOW was one of the few songs that always got her to dance. Shelby, only knowing one song by that artist, looked it up on her Spotify before she started playing it, putting her phone in a cup to amplify the sound. Toni just continued to look at her, completely confused. </p>
<p>Shelby raised an eyebrow, surprised by her stillness. “Well, don’t just stand there, Toni. <em> Dance.” </em>Instead of dancing, Toni just glared at her harder. “Fine. If you won’t dance, I will.” Shelby took a deep breath before closing her eyes and starting to sway with the music. She never thought she was a great dancer, but when she closed her eyes, everything else went away. She just let herself feel the music in the exact way her father told her not to. </p>
<p>After a few moments passed, Shelby, still dancing, opened her eyes slightly to see if Toni was still just staring at her. She wasn’t, though. </p>
<p>Toni was moving her entire body, her own eyes closed as well. Shelby almost froze at the sight of it. She thought Toni looked completely free and Shelby thought it was beautiful. That <em> Toni </em>was beautiful. She was ethereal, almost, in the way she moved. Shelby wished she could encapsulate the raw freedom. That feeling that Toni was expressing, it was the one thing that Shelby always wanted, but could never have. She couldn't quite pinpoint what it was, but all she knew was that it was whatever Toni was feeling and that she wanted some of it. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. overthinking it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Diogenes and Shelby perform. </p>
<p>Strange interactions occur between Toni and Shelby.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>All the songs (besides the ones I wrote) are on this spotify playlist!</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=A2r-7usWSOKxtp1q8aJ1Wg">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=A2r-7usWSOKxtp1q8aJ1Wg</a>
</p>
<p>Also feel free to chat with me on Twitter! I'm @unsinkablegayt</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Toni would never want to admit it to anyone, but Shelby surprised her. She hadn’t realized how fucking scared she was until she arrived at the concert venue. She hated the feeling of being scared. It made her feel so vulnerable and helpless. For so long, she tried to control her fear with anger. She tried to do the same before the show. She was a dick to just about everyone before trying to separate herself from them so that she could have some alone time. She wasn’t expecting to find Shelby of all people. And she definitely didn’t expect Shelby to attempt to help her. Or the help working. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With dancing, she felt like she was able to focus all her attention on her movement and how it correlated with the beat and rhythm, releasing all of that nervous energy that had taken her mind and body hostage. She didn’t know how Shelby came up with the idea, but she was grateful nevertheless. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She only opened her eyes once while they danced. She saw Shelby dancing with the largest smile Toni thought she had ever seen from the woman. It was the first time that Toni thought she had seen the blonde look completely unguarded. Honest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They danced to three songs and when they stopped, Toni was already sweaty. But in a good way. She felt fired up and ready to blow everyone away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did it help?” Shelby asked, her voice almost quiet like she was almost embarrassed to ask. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shrugged and rubbed the back of her neck, not knowing what to say to her. “Yeah. I guess so.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t tell her the truth. She didn’t want the blonde to think that she saved her or anything like that. She didn’t want Shelby to think that she was weak and in need of saving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad,” Shelby said with a small smile that was forced compared to the one she had while dancing. “If you ever want to do this before any perfo—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This was just a one-time thing, Princess,” Toni interrupted before she could stop herself, causing Shelby’s smile to completely disappear. She didn’t want to become reliant on anyone for their help. “Try your little savior complex on someone else who needs saving, okay? I can handle myself just fine.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni watched as Shelby’s jaw clenched. “All I did was try to be nice.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Toni replied nonchalantly. “Just because we’re going to be on tour together doesn’t mean we need to be fucking friends.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” Shelby spewed out harsher than Toni had ever heard her as she threw her hands up in the air like she was giving up. “I don’t know what in the world I did to make you dislike me so much, but it is darn obvious to me that you will not be changin’ your opinion about me no matter what I do.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni raised her eyebrows, surprised that Shelby actually called her out. Toni wasn’t sure if the blonde had it in her. She now considered the possibility that the Texan had more guts than she had previously thought. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Princess, I don’t have any fucking clue who you are,” she declared and took a step forward, watching closely as the blonde became redder and redder. “How can I like you if I don’t know who you are? You have this whole ‘saint’ thing going on like you want everyone to think you’re fucking perfect. So, yeah. I don’t trust you. I’m not going to apologize to you for that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby gaped at her slightly before crossing her arms. “For heaven’s sake, I don’t think I’m anywhere close to perfect, Toni. In fact, I know I’m far from it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni wasn’t sure if she really believed that. “Whatever, blondie. I know your reputation. I know you probably judge me for how I live my life. And that’s all I need to know.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni, I don’t—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Toni, are you in h—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni turned around as quickly as possible to find Leah at the door, her eyes wide. Toni took a large step away from Shelby, not realizing how close they had gotten. Toni tried to signal to her friend that she wasn’t interrupting anything, but she wasn’t sure that Leah had gotten the message since she kept looking back and forth between Toni and Shelby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up, Rilke?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… um… we’re on in five. I was just looking for you, but I found you. You’re… um… here. Fatin was going to give us this big speech, I think.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s go, then,” Toni stated firmly, not looking back as she walked past Leah to the door. She fast-walked through backstage, finding the band at the end of the pathway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Leah whisper-shouted and grabbed onto her arm, “what the hell was that about?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Toni replied instantly, though realizing almost immediately that Leah wasn’t convinced and looked genuinely worried. Toni sighed, “Leah, dude, it’s fine. Seriously. Everything’s chill.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah still didn’t look convinced, but she nodded anyway. It wasn’t like they had time to continue the conversation. When they reached the group, Fatin was already in the middle of a dramatic speech. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin glared playfully at her. “Toni, thank you for gracing us with your presence. As I was saying, you all are going to rock out there. Those fans outside, a lot of them came to see </span>
  <em>
    <span>you guys. </span>
  </em>
  <span>This is your home fucking turf. Enjoy it, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni jumped up and down a little as she nodded. Dancing and fighting made her feel full of energy. She was ready to get some of it out.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, I got something to say,” Toni said, startling herself as the rest of the band looked at her with surprise. “I’m shit at speeches, you all know that, but I’m just going to say this: Dot and I started this band because we wanted to make music and feel less shitty about our lives. I don’t think either of us thought that we were going to get here. I mean, with my ego, I certainly thought </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>deserved to get here. But it wasn’t until we got Rachel and Leah when we realized we had something fucking special. And now we’re here. I guess it’s about fucking time we show everyone else how special we are.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn straight!” Rachel howled with a grin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot just shook her head, completely amused. “You’re turning into a sap on me, Shalifoe!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah just smiled at her softly before saying, “I think this band saved my life.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni felt her heart drop into her stomach. Leah’s confession was unexpected, but unfortunately not surprising. Hell, Toni felt the same way. She wondered if maybe they all did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They huddled into a hug of sorts. Toni thought that this must be what it felt like to have a family to hold. She felt like they were holding her up. Supporting her. Maybe even protecting her, if that was even possible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hugged Martha next, who whispered that she was proud of her into her ear. Toni felt so goddamn lucky to have her best friend still standing by her after all these years, even after all the shit she pulled and mistakes she made. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then it was time to get out there. Toni had a surge of anxiety before running onto the stage with her band in tow. Under the bright lights and hearing the cheers from the crowd gave her the right kind of jolt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As her band set up, she approached the microphone and said, “Yo, how are all you doing tonight?” The crowd screamed back at her and it was like music to her ears. “Glad to hear that. If you didn’t know, this marks the start of our fucking tour. Diogenes will be traveling around the country with Shelby Goodkind.” More screams. “I know, right? Insane. But without further fucking ado, let’s get started, eh?” She had to admit, she liked the cheers maybe a little too much. “I hear you! We’re starting off tonight with a little song called ‘Sedona.’ You better like it.” She laughed a little before looking off to the side, finding Shelby looking back at her, standing almost emotionless. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was something there (though not anger like Toni expected), but she couldn’t figure it out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then she sang. ‘Sedona’ was a song they added to the set-list last minute, but it was a perfect addition. It had a slower start than most of their songs, but it was a song with a chorus that was hella catchy and usually riled up a crowd. It was also the first song that Toni wrote after Regan left. She wasn’t going to jump around yet, though. She was going to do that with the next song. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the first song was over, the crowd cheered like it normally did when it was just them playing. Toni felt overwhelming relief, but she knew that the battle wasn’t over. It was never over until the end. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Love,” she said into the mic, not even out of breath yet, “it’s fucking hard, am I right? The next song we’re playing for you is called ‘Feel the Same.’ It’s a bit angsty, so prepare yourselves.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Angsty might have been an understatement. The song was all about missing someone so much that nothing helped. She wrote it with Leah, who also knew the feeling well, though experienced it quite differently. Lyrically, the song was a little more intense and graphic, but it was also less of a pretty song to sing. Leah sang it with her, shouting the choruses and verses synchronously, though Toni did have a darker edge to her voice than Leah did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The audience ate it fucking up. More relief and confidence flooded Toni’s system. They planned on playing ‘Read My Mind,’ but now that Toni felt more comfortable, she turned to her bandmates and told them that they were going to play a cover of ‘Banquet’ by Bloc Party instead. It definitely wasn’t as known as The Killers’ song and it was definitely more raunchy than The Killers song, but that was what Toni thought made it perfect. It was one of Toni’s favorite songs and she couldn’t help but choose a song from another awesome queer rock band. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The chance paid off. People didn’t cheer as hard as they did for the other songs, but they didn’t hate it, so Toni considered it a win. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘All in My Head’ was next. It was an intense song about a toxic relationship that's very one-sided. It was one of the first songs that Toni wrote with Leah and it was one of her favorites. Depressing as fuck, as always, but it was the epitome of a Diogenes song. A sad fucking jam where she could dance around the entire stage. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>People definitely liked that one, not that Toni was very surprised. It was a perfect break-up song that most people could relate to. It also happened to allow Toni to shout at the end. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she breathed out into the mic and grinned at the audience. “You all have been great tonight. Before we play our last song, we’re going to play another cover. But before we even do that, I have a little story for you. A couple of years ago, Rachel, Dot, and I found Leah, who was sitting in the park and people watching, and when we asked her what she was doing, she told us she was looking for an honest man. After noticing our extreme confusion, Leah explained that she was referencing Diogenes, a Greek philosopher and badass who I think I would vibe with today with his views on materialism and power. But anyway, I think Diogenes would like the next song we’re going to sing about a fucked relationship that keeps surviving because the sex is beyond. Let’s do it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She never thought she would sing ‘Laid’ to an audience. It was an incredibly short and awkward song, but one that she loved nevertheless. She also got to dance with Leah, whose laughing made her feel a kind joy she couldn’t really describe. She could hear the audience singing along to it. She was glad that people still knew that the song existed, despite how strange it was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their last song was always going to be ‘Fences.’ It was the best song to end with. It had more of a punk sound and she got to scream. It was also a great song for fans to interact with. It was so easy to sing and dance to. Toni let it all out through her dancing, especially when Dot, Rachel, and Leah had their own solo moments. She felt so fucking free. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it was over, the band did what they always did. Taking a page from Paramore’s book, they shouted, “WE ARE DIOGENES” as their fans shouted ‘Diogenes’ with them. Toni thought it was the best feeling in the world. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni could hear the cheering and applause, but when they were done, Toni’s attention was only on the rest of her bandmates, who were grinning right back at her. They left the stage, jumping up and down when they greeted Martha and Fatin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Holy goddamn shit,” Fatin exclaimed with a proud smile. “You assholes did it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni rolled her eyes playfully. “Well, yeah. Did you not have faith in us, Jadmani?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would tell you,” Fatin said with a mischievous smile, “but I don’t want the answer to go to your head, Shalifoe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni wouldn’t have even needed a response. She knew that Fatin believed in them. She might have been one of the first people to ever really believe in the band. Or, at least think that they could go farther than where they were at. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was so fucking good,” Payne shouted as they approached them, wearing this killer suit that Toni would have worn. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knew that Shelby was standing right next to Payne, but she didn’t even want to look in her direction. She didn’t want to see Shelby’s reaction to the performance. She didn’t want to ask herself why, but she cared about what Shelby thought and that terrified her.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The music was still ringing in Shelby’s ears even as the band left the stage. She wanted to blame it on the sheer loudness of the band, but she knew that it couldn’t have just been that. Her eyes had been glued to Toni, who still impressed her, even after being a giant jerk. There was something mesmerizing to her about Toni and how the woman performed. It reminded her of when she was a kid and she would turn the TV on only to find a show with scandalous looking women on the screen. Her father would always yell at her to look away, but her desire to keep staring was as strong as her guilt. Just like it was now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But when she and Payne approached Toni, the brunette didn’t even glance at her once. She acted like she wasn’t there. It shouldn’t have surprised Shelby, especially after the fight they had, but it still hurt. She didn’t understand her. Lord, she felt like Toni was unknowable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The audience is getting rowdy,” Fatin said with a sly grin, placing her hands on Shelby’s shoulders. “Do you think you’re ready?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby took a deep breath and shared a reassuring smile with Payne. Letting out a nervous chuckle, she announced, “I think we’re as ready as we’re ever goin’ to be.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re gonna fucking kill it,” Dot shouted with two thumbs up. “We’ll be screaming from back here.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Break a leg!” Martha cheered as Shelby and Payne headed to the stage with their guitars. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The light was bright, always catching her off guard at first, no matter how many times she had done this. Not in a bad way, necessarily, but it was always startling. When she approached the microphone, she thought it was strange how bare the stage felt. Even most indie artists these days had a band they performed with. She was just doing this with Payne. It was definitely a possibly reckless decision, but Shelby knew it was too late to turn back now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, y’all,” Shelby greeted into the mic, riling up the crowd. “It’s good to see all you lovely people here today. Diogenes was great, weren’t they?” She grinned at the cheers from that. “Well, I don’t know if I can top them, but we’re certainly goin’ to play a great show for y’all tonight. This is my partner here, Payne Robinson, who is goin’ to blow you away with all of their talent. Y’all ready?” She could hear one person scream her name louder than the rest and it made her heart race. This was what she lived for. “You might know this song. It’s called ‘Uh Huh.’” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She knew the response would be huge. ‘Uh Huh’ was one of the first songs that got her any attention. She loved the song despite the fact that she didn’t write the song based on any personal experience. She knew that without it, she wasn’t sure if she would be here. Fun and catchy, it was definitely the perfect song to start a concert with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The excitement and buzz she got after she finished the song was a great motivator. Shelby turned to Payne, who gave her a nod before they started the next song. ‘Jupiter Calling,’ was one of her lesser-known songs about the landscape on Jupiter. It was an easy song for her to sing because it was beautiful, but not personal in the slightest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next song was different. Even though Diogenes and Fatin seemed to enjoy ‘amphibious,’ she wasn’t sure the rest of the world would. It was definitely slower than most of her songs. Almost achingly slow. She was nervous throughout the entire song, almost waiting for the shoe to drop and everyone to boo her. Or, maybe, she was terrified she’d see her father standing there, enough shame on his face for her to feel its entirety. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But neither thing happened. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The audience cheered harder than they did for either of her two known songs. It brought a fierce smile to her face. One she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to shake. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she said into the mic, “I appreciate it, I do. Hopefully, y’all will recognize this next song. It was originally sung by an icon that I have more respect for than just about anyone.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They played ‘Jolene.’ Shelby loved performing it so much when she was messing around with Diogenes that she just had to add it to the set-list. She felt herself grinning while singing as the audience sang along to the song, knowing just about all the lyrics. She didn’t think she would ever get tired of that feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She slowed things down again with ‘up the walls’ and ‘Warped Window.’ She wasn’t sure how everyone was going to react to the sheer sadness of the lyrics, but the cheering didn’t stop. She felt as invincible as Toni usually looked on the stage. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank y’all so much. Now, that was a lot of slow sadness, am I right? I’m going to play another song I’ve never performed before. I call this song ‘Birds.’” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was definitely a more upbeat song, but it immediately reminded her of Becca. Even while singing it in front of a live audience, she remembered performing it in front of her for the first time, sitting on her bed as Becca sat on the floor, looking up at her with these eyes that always made Shelby feel instantly safe. It was the first time she performed something she wrote that wasn’t religion related. She could remember the feeling of Becca’s warm arms around her, holding her when the song was over, saying the word ‘beautiful’ over and over again (Shelby still didn’t know if she meant the song or her). Shelby remembered the feeling of being loved. But just as quickly, she remembered the feeling of losing it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears escaped her eyes, but she thought that if she just smiled harder, no one would be able to see them in the harsh light. And if someone did see it, she hoped that maybe they’d keep it to themselves. Hold it like a secret. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When the song was over, Shelby spoke the words she had practiced. “Thank you so very much for being such a wonderful audience. We could not have asked for a better group of people to share the beginning of our tour with. Thank you and goodnight.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She and Payne waved to the audience, knowing very well that this was nowhere close to the end of the night, before heading off stage. They found Fatin standing there with two water bottles and a grin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re killing it, people,” Fatin shouted since the chanting of the audience for an encore started to get louder and louder. “I told you they would love anything you played.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby had to admit, Fatin had been right so far. It almost startled her. She had hoped that tonight would go this well, but she wasn’t sure if she expected it to. She just hoped that the rest of the concert would go just as well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s the band?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told them to go to the other side of the stage,” Fatin explained as Shelby took slow sips of the water. “I didn’t want them distracting you before you go back out. I think they were just about ready to tackle you out of excitement. I didn’t want to overwhelm you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby thought about it and realized that Fatin definitely made the right choice. “Thank you kindly. I guess we better get back out there.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin nodded. “Don’t want them to become a mob out there.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We got this, Shelby,” Payne reminded her, knowing exactly what Shelby needed to hear. The song ‘antithesis’ was coming up shortly. That was the song she was the most afraid of. She knew that it would be a confession to her fans. An admission that she wasn’t the perfect Christian daughter that some people still believed she was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby wanted to believe Payne. And maybe most of her did, but there was still that gnawing thought that everything was going to collapse under her. She didn’t know what that collapse would look like, but she imagined being as alone as her father always threatened she could be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She fought against it. The overwhelming dread that started to wear on her thoughts. She felt like she was stuck in an ocean riptide. Her thoughts were threatening to drown her. But she knew that she had to just keep fighting, keep riding it out, and swim parallel to shore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The audience roared when she and Payne reappeared on stage, playing ‘Your Light’ knowing that it was their most popular song at the moment. It was the exact kind of song that Shelby needed to play. It wasn’t close to her favorite, but it was one that could immediately make her feel better just from playing it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anxiety ran through her veins. She could feel herself start to shake as she started to play the first few notes of ‘antithesis’ on her guitar. And then came the first few lines: </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I know the necklace/ Hangs ironically around my neck / It should be loose but it isn’t /It’s around like a noose.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know what made her do it. She looked to the side of the stage and found Toni staring right back at her. Toni nodded as if she was telling her to continue. It was like their fight didn’t happen because somehow that nod meant the world to her. It kept her going. It brought her to shore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She continued with the confession until it was over. There was silence for a few moments when she finished and Shelby’s heart sunk. She thought it was it. That it all ended at that moment. She was sure of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That is, until someone screamed her name and everyone else joined in. Shelby wasn’t sure if the cheers were as loud as they were before and she noticed as some people seemed to shuffle around, perhaps leaving, but that was to be expected. Hell, she expected everyone to leave her. But so many people stayed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So many people stayed. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sang a cover of ‘Cowboy Take Me Away’ before performing her last song, ‘wildfire,’ a borderline folk song that she told her father was about God when in reality, it was about something completely different. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second the song was over, the weight on her shoulders felt lighter. She no longer felt like she was this phony wearing a mask. She felt almost as real as she felt when she was around Becca. It was euphoric. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank y’all so much for coming out tonight. It was a real joy performin’ for y’all. Come see us again, will you? Good night and get home safely.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After she finished her short little goodbye speech, Shelby immediately hugged Payne as the audience continued to clap and whistle. She wasn’t sure if she could have done this without them. She didn’t think she could have been able to play the new songs without Payne’s support. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We did it, Shelby. We did it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby smiled wide. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“We did it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. romantic garbage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The after-party.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's the playlist, as always!</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=Wb9ZS2E5Sni7Zfxpe__esw">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=Wb9ZS2E5Sni7Zfxpe__esw</a>
</p>
<p>Hope you like this chapter! Come chat with me on twitter @unsinkablegayt if you want! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Toni wasn’t the kind of person who liked being proven wrong. Now, she wasn’t sure if anyone liked being proven wrong, but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated </span>
  </em>
  <span>it. She would admit that she tended to make snap judgments about people, but she would argue that was because she had a good sense of who she should stay away from. Usually, it worked. After years of bouncing to and from the homes of strangers, she had to get vibes of people really quickly. Even if she didn’t have to do it anymore, it was still a habit. She still initially analyzed every person she met. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin was one of the first people who ever proved her first assumption wrong. It took weeks (maybe even months) for her to slowly realize that 1) Fatin wasn’t actually rich (she didn’t take any of her family’s ungodly amount of money) and 2) she cared about the band. </span>
</p>
<p><span>She wasn’t willing to admit that she was wrong about Shelby Goodkind, however, despite the fact that she liked her music. Even after Shelby performed and the rest of Diogenes turned to her with this look like </span><em><span>I told you so, </span></em><span>she still wasn’t completely convinced.</span> <span>Toni just shook her head, not budging. Sure, Shelby sang about something real, something </span><em><span>very </span></em><span>real, but she wasn’t sure if that meant that she’d be accepting of Toni’s sexuality or the sexuality of her friends. And that’s what it really came down to if she was being honest with herself. She wasn’t convinced that Shelby wasn’t uncomfortable around them. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>Because that was the vibe she got. That Shelby was uncomfortable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Shelby might have been losing her faith. Toni didn’t know what that meant. She was intrigued, of course, but that didn’t mean she suddenly trusted the blonde. The last thing she was ever going to do was open up or lower her guard only to get attacked. It happened before and there was no way she was going to let that happen again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Shelby finished her performance, she and Payne returned to the back of the stage where the band, Fatin, and Martha greeted them. It was obvious that the blonde was radiating joy. It was the kind of joy, Toni noticed, that could spread from person to person. She recognized it in Martha, so it was no surprise the two of them got along so well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I could legit kiss you all on the lips right now,” Fatin exclaimed with a grin and raised her eyebrow. “With tongue.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seeing as Toni had kissed Fatin once, she didn’t have to imagine what it would be like. It happened once while they were dancing at a club. They both got caught up in the moment and Toni was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>drunk. She knew immediately that it was a bad idea and knew that she couldn’t do that to Leah, who was now staring down at the floor as Fatin mentioned that she could kiss them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Texan was doing something similar to Leah, but it was obvious that it wasn’t because she wanted to hide the fact that she wanted to kiss her like Leah did. Instead, the blonde decided at that very moment to fix her long mane of hair, not saying anything. Toni noted it like she noted everything that Shelby did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, here’s the dealio,” Fatin added after she and Dot made kissing faces at each other. “Take ten and drink up on water and wipe the sweat off of your damn foreheads. Then you’re going to go out there and you’re going to take in all the love. Meet fans, get hammered, whatever. Just have some fun.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For once, Toni didn’t hate that idea. She felt so much energy that she felt like she needed to exert some of it. Even if a part of her just wanted to go home and eat Pringles. She knew this was a big night and that she had to celebrate with all the people that helped them all get to this moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin bounced after her little speech and Toni saw Leah sadly watch her leave. Toni figured that she probably wanted a little bit of extra love from their manager. Toni thought that Leah would have gotten it, too. They seemed to be joined at the hip recently. At the very least, she expected Fatin to pull her into a long hug that would have been uncomfortable to watch. But there was nothing like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni poked Leah and said, “You were fire out there, Rilke.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah smiled at her, but Toni watched as it quickly faded. It worried her. She had seen Leah go to dark places before, sometimes faster than she could ever predict. It was always Fatin (and the therapist that Fatin convinced her to get) that helped her, no matter how hard Toni tried. She could just never reach her like Fatin could. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You two sound so fucking good together,” Dot commented to Toni and Leah as she rested her arm on Toni’s shoulder. “I would have killed to just have listened to you guys. Too bad I was busy being a beast on the drums.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni rolled her eyes playfully as Rachel responded, “Okay, dramatic. I’m sure someone recorded it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fatin hired someone to record it professionally,” Martha informed the group, purposefully talking loud enough for Shelby and Payne to also hear as if she wanted to include them into the band’s conversation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She did?” Shelby asked quietly. Toni watched as the blonde’s face fell. It definitely was suspicious to Toni. Shelby’s performance was arguably good. Toni wouldn’t know why the blonde wouldn’t want it recorded. Other than the obvious possibility that Shelby didn’t want </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone </span>
  </em>
  <span>to hear her (or Diogenes) play. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yep!” Martha replied with pep. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was up on YouTube by the end of the night. Oh my gosh, I hope it goes viral! Wouldn’t that be so cool?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne agreed with Martha. “I honestly would want to send it to every piece of shit who told me I didn’t have talent. Or told me that being gender non-conforming would decrease my chances at success.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, you should totally send it,” Dot suggested with a shrug. “Fuck them, right? I think we’ve all pretty much had those people in our lives that we wish we could just… fucking rub it in their fucking faces that we’re doing well.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni thought she knew more people who didn’t believe in her than people who did. Though, maybe, that number was slowly evening out. At least, she hoped it was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are y’all packed yet?” Shelby asked, changing the subject completely. “I can’t believe the tour really starts tomorrow.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been packed for, like, days now,” Martha told her with the bubbly kind of excitement that almost made Toni smile (she probably would have if it was just the two of them). “Honestly, I’ve probably packed too much.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni snorted, unsurprised. “It’s probably a good thing since I sort of have a tendency of underpacking.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should have seen us when we moved to Philly,” Martha reminisced with a grin. “I had a car full of my things and Toni had extra room in a single suitcase. I felt ridiculous.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni tried to maintain her grin. Logically, she knew she wasn’t that abandoned kid anymore without any roots or a place to call home anymore, but reminders of it still hurt. Even after all this time. Toni didn’t want it to hurt. Toni wished she could laugh about her lack shit like the rest of them. But the truth was, she wasn’t there yet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lord, a single suitcase?” Shelby asked as if that was unfathomable to her. “How did you accomplish that?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knew in the back of her mind that Shelby wasn’t trying to pick at her old wounds, but she couldn’t help but feel the kind of angst she felt years ago. Even if she wanted to be over it now that she was an adult with her own place, she could still feel what she felt then. It was miserable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It happens when you don’t have a home for your entire childhood,” Toni told her bitterly and with a shrug as if she didn’t care (which she very much did). She watched as the blonde’s jaw dropped slightly. “Turns out you don’t accumulate a lot of shit when you don’t have a family.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni watched as different ranges of emotion reached everyone’s faces. Martha looked slightly frustrated, Rachel looked uncomfortable, Dot looked sad (like she could relate), Leah looked worried, and Payne and Shelby looked shocked. Toni realized she definitely fucked up a good moment for them all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to hit the bar,” Toni announced, interrupting the blonde and her inevitable apology. She didn’t want to ruin their moment of happiness anymore, so she just walked off, murmuring ‘fuck’ under her breath and feeling like a complete dick. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Random people were shouting her name all around her, but it was all overwhelming. She didn’t want praise or people to tell her that she was great. At the moment, all she felt like was an asshole. Part of her felt like it would be easier for everyone if she just left.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she couldn’t. Fatin, or someone else, would probably kill her for not staying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So instead, she sat down at the bar and prayed that she would stop fucking things up for everyone else. She just wanted to lose herself in something. She wanted to stop doing shitty things and feeling so shitty about herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look like you need a stiff drink,” the bartender in all black said with a smile that Toni couldn’t ignore. She was gorgeous in every possible way, but Toni was focused on the woman’s tattoos. Having a few herself, Toni could always appreciate a good tattoo. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Toni snorted with a shrug. “That obvious?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She laughed and bit her lip. “It’s kind of my job to know when someone seriously needs to get wasted or buzzed.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, so I’m not special?” Toni knew what she was doing. It had been eight months since things ended with Regan. Eight months since she really let herself be interested in anyone. She thought that tonight would be as good of a night as any to let herself feel something for someone else. It would definitely be a good distraction. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman raised an eyebrow. “Let me make you a drink. Then you can decide if I think you’re special or not.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni grinned at her and nodded. “Do I get anything if you completely fuck up?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Baby,” the woman drawled and paused dramatically. “I don’t fuck up.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni believed her. She watched carefully as the woman talked to other customers. Toni felt a bit of pride at the fact that she didn’t seem to be flirting with anyone else. Toni liked watching her move, watching her shake drinks and pour them. It was almost calming. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Almost. </span>
  </em>
  <span>In the back of her mind, her thoughts were still on the moment she just fucked up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then she came back with a tall glass. Toni winked before she took a sip. It was a whiskey highball. Toni liked it, but if she was being honest with herself, she was more of a beer kind of person. She didn’t think this woman needed to know that, though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So?” The woman asked with curiosity. “What do you think?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think…” Toni said slowly, drawing out every word. “I think it’s unfair you know my name and I don’t know yours.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The bartender laughed. “Who says I know your name? Who says I even watched your show?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you watched it,” Toni said confidently, willing to bet on it. “I’m sure it killed you to take your eyes away and serve customers.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman grinned and shook her head. “Cocky, aren’t you? Fine. My name is Linh. And, just your luck, I’m getting off work in ten.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby felt terrible. She knew that she just kept messing up with Toni, no matter how hard she tried with her. It made her feel guilty. Upset with herself. She tried so hard her entire life to be the nice girl. It came so naturally to her. Hurting Toni just reminded her of hurting Becca. The one person she purposefully hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Shelby,” Martha reassured her with a hand on her shoulder after the others had all left the backstage area. “Toni… has a tendency of blowing up at people. Don’t take it too personally.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby wished that it made her feel better. “Lord, I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still hurtin’ her feelings.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha shrugged. “Maybe, but she shouldn’t take what everyone says as an attack. She should know that you don’t know her background and that you don’t mean any harm in the slightest.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just—I feel like it’s just me,” Shelby confessed, feeling like a bit of an idiot as she avoided Martha’s eyes. “I’m the one who keeps messin’ up.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha sighed and shook her head. “Just ignore her, Shelby. Toni has been pushing people away for as long as I can remember. It’s hard because, like, I know that’s how she copes, but it’s still hard for everyone else.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby wanted to know what exactly Martha meant by that. She felt like she had parts and snippets of Toni’s life, but none of it really made a ton of sense. She thought that if she knew more about Toni, she would stop saying things that would just piss her off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it too invasive for me to ask what Toni’s childhood was like?” She fiddled with her fingers, feeling so awkward for even asking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha frowned. “Oh. I’m not sure. It’s just—I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t really want anyone to know specifics. But, like, the general story is that Toni was a foster kid. She jumped from house to house. When particular houses were… not good… she would sometimes stay with me and my family, though I think that made her just feel worse. Like a burden, or something. Anyway, long story short, it’s hard for her to trust people.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chewed her lip. She couldn’t help but think about her own childhood. She and her siblings were smothered with love from her parents. She knew now that the love was conditional, but when she was a child, she knew that she felt loved. She didn’t know what she would be like if she grew up without that feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are a good friend,” Shelby told her and hugged her. She knew that if she and Toni had stayed this close for this long, Martha must have more patience and understanding than anyone. “She’s lucky to have you, Martha.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’ll warm up to you,” Martha reassured her. “It’ll just take some time. Come on, Shelby. Let’s go join the others. You should be celebrating tonight, not thinking about Toni.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby couldn’t agree more. She hated that she was spending so much of her emotional energy worrying about what Toni thought about her. She didn’t know why she cared so much, but she did know that she wanted to stop. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She followed Martha to an area around a bar where everyone else was crowding around Fatin. Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>almost </span>
  </em>
  <span>everyone. Shelby noticed that Toni wasn’t around them. She found herself glancing around until she spotted her. Toni was sitting at the bar, eyes glued onto the bartender who was smirking at her. Shelby felt her chest tighten and legs weaken. It was more than obvious to her that the two women were flirting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my gosh,” Martha squealed as they approached their friends. “Toni is </span>
  <em>
    <span>flirting </span>
  </em>
  <span>with someone!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know what was surprising about that, but she could tell that the others seemed just as excited as Martha was. It confused her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank fucking God,” Fatin sighed with relief. “That girl needs to get laid.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dude, you should have seen Rachel’s face when we saw her,” Dot exclaimed to Martha with a proud smile, ignoring Fatin’s comment. “Her jaw almost dropped.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel smacked Dot on the shoulder. “What? Can I not be happy that Toni is interested in someone? It’s been… a while.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think Dot is actually pointing out the fact that your reaction was something she found humorous,” a woman that Shelby had never met before stated, “not that you had a reaction. I think we all had a reaction.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel rolled her eyes at her. “Whatever, Nor. Payne, Shelby, this is my twin, Nora. Nora, this is Payne Robinson and Shelby Goodkind. You all would have met before the show if Nora had come backstage.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nora waved at them a little awkwardly and Shelby smiled back. Rachel introduced her in a tone that made Shelby think that all was not well between the twins. Nora reminded Shelby of her own siblings, who she missed more and more every day. She would go home to visit them, but that would mean seeing her parents, which she wasn’t willing to do at the moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nora was leaning against this lanky blonde man, who had his eyes focused on Nora the entire time. “You all were very good. Very, um, enjoyable and pleasing to listen to.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Quinn,” Leah told him with an appreciative smile. “I’m glad you could come.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel, on the other hand, Shelby noticed, looked very unhappy that he was here. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Family drama. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shelby didn’t really know what that was like. Her father once said that his family never did drama. He thought that the family was above it. And he was right. There never was any family drama. It took years for Shelby to realize that it was probably because she and her siblings were all too afraid to have any drama. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I have some mingling I need to do,” Fatin said and checked her phone, “but you should all get a drink and dance.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“C’mon, Shelby!” Martha said and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go dance!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t think she was a very good dancer, but she followed her anyway. Payne and Dot followed them while Rachel and Leah darted to a corner so that they could talk in peace. Nora and Quinn stayed where they were and seemed to be talking quietly to each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She tried to follow Martha’s lead as they bounced to the music. It didn’t take long for the four of them to be surrounded by other people who kept complimenting them and telling them how much they liked the show. It overwhelmed Shelby, a little. She was, of course, grateful for all the positive comments when she was sure for so long she wouldn’t get any, but it was a lot to take in all at once. Especially since half of her attention was spent looking over at Toni, whose romantic interest was now sitting next to her, a new bartender replacing her. Their knees were touching, the woman had a hand on Toni’s thigh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She quickly turned around and found Fatin squeezing through the fans so that she could dance with her clients. Shelby was amused by the entire thing. Dot was laughing at her the hardest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can all shut up,” Fatin said when she finally reached them. “I got here, didn’t I?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“After you practically shoved everyone away like they were fucking nothing,” Dot snickered with a grin as Fatin flipped her off. “How did your mingling go?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin punched her friend on the shoulder. “It went fine, Dorothy. There are a lot of record companies that are interested in making actual albums for you all. No serious offers just yet, but I’m guessing there will be soon.”   </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That would be huge. All of Shelby’s music was on SoundCloud, YouTube, and there were a few EPs and singles on Spotify. She knew that getting an album out would be the next big step. Usually, people went on tours </span>
  <em>
    <span>after </span>
  </em>
  <span>the release of an album, but they were doing things differently. It was Fatin’s brilliant idea to go on tour in the first place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, maybe you should be mingling with Leah…” Dot suggested to her with a shrug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin’s eyes widened as she looked in the direction of Leah, who was still deep in a conversation with Rachel. Shelby felt like she was missing something here. She wondered if Fatin and Leah had gotten into a fight or something. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dorothy—” Fatin started to say with an edge to her voice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just saying,” Dot interrupted, her hands raised in a surrendering position. “I won’t say anything else about it. I swear.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin shrugged it off and turned to Shelby. “How do you feel, Goodkind? What’s going through your mind right now?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Truthfully, what was going through Shelby’s mind was almost fifty percent about Toni, but there was no way she would admit that. “I feel good. Excited to keep doin’ this for a few months. I don’t know if I’ll ever get tired of it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin grinned at her. “That’s the damn spirit. You deserve to feel good, you earned this, Shelby. I—holy shit. Hey, assholes! Toni and her future lover are coming to the dance floor!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby swiveled around to find Toni and the woman walking toward them, hand in hand. They didn’t approach the group, though, and Shelby was glad. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman’s hands were immediately on Toni’s hips, pulling her close to her as they swayed to the music. Shelby watched as Toni grinned at her, grinding her body against the woman. Shelby watched with curiosity as they kissed (she had never seen people start using their tongues so quickly). Somehow, they were moving perfectly to the music, completely in sync. Shelby, on the other hand, was completely still. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then it happened. When they pulled apart, Toni’s eyes found hers like she somehow knew she was watching. Shelby immediately turned back around to face her friends, her whole body feeling like it was on fire. She felt almost nauseous, but she started to dance again. She wanted everyone to think she was completely fine, but more than anything, she also wanted to convince herself that she was fine and that Toni wasn’t on her mind.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Linh was nothing like Regan and there was something about it that made it all so much easier. Toni liked Linh, but the feelings that she had for Regan were immediate. She always thought the whole ‘love at first sight’ thing was bullshit. That is, until she saw Regan perform for the first time and Toni felt her entire body react. Regan was magnetic and Toni was just glad that Regan was just as into her as she was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t immediately flirt with Regan like she did with Linh. They met by chance and a smitten Toni was an awkward motherfucker, constantly terrified of ruining it. Regan made the first move. She made every first move. Toni liked it. She felt safer when someone else would take control. Toni had a habit of losing it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But of course, she still found herself fucking it up. And then it was over. And Toni almost forgot how to breathe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Linh was brilliant and hot and funny. Toni felt good being around her. She wasn’t Regan, but Toni was slowly starting to realize that maybe that was okay. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knew when they started dancing that it wouldn’t be long until they took off to Linh’s place. They didn’t need any more convincing that they were attracted to each other. They danced just to get more hot and bothered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they kissed, Toni didn’t feel the overwhelming thrill that she felt when she and Regan kissed for the first time. But shit, it was still a good kiss. It probably would have been a fucking amazing kiss if Toni wasn’t comparing everything to Regan. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they pulled apart, Toni caught sight of Shelby, who was staring at them. Her eyes were wide like she was in shock or something. The blonde quickly looked away, but Toni still got a good look at her reaction. It definitely wasn’t a positive one. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni felt her body tense up. She thought at that moment that she was right all along. All of her gut feelings about Shelby were true. She wanted to feel validated about it, but it made her heart sink. She didn’t know why, but she was almost disappointed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Toni, hey, are you okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni nodded and tried to shove all of her thoughts about Shelby away. “I’m good. Do you want to get out of here?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Linh grinned at her. “Baby, I thought you’d never ask.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They darted toward the exit. Toni could hear her friends, Fatin and Dot specifically, whistle and clap as they left. Before completely leaving the establishment, Toni turned around to flip her friends off. They were all grinning at her in response. All of them, except for Shelby Goodkind. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. rock bottom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The start of the tour.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the rock bottom. It will get better from here. </p>
<p>TW: there are vague mentions of abuse in this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shelby couldn’t sleep. It was her last night in her own comfortable and warm bed, but she felt restless. She wished that it was the nerves about the tour that kept her up, but in reality, it was her fear about her parents’ reaction to her performance that distracted her from sleep. (And there was a part of her that couldn’t get Toni off her mind, either). </p>
<p>The video was already up and the reactions were a mixed bag. Some people applauded her new music and the feelings that she was revealing, but others felt like her new music was a betrayal to her religiously devoted fanbase. She wished that the positive comments outweighed the bad in her head, but every negative just reminded her that her parents’ reaction might be ten times worse. </p>
<p>After a night of trying meditation, audiobooks, and watching cooking videos, Shelby fell asleep less than an hour before waking up from her alarm, somehow feeling worse than how she felt before she actually fell asleep. Nevertheless, Shelby got up, checked her messages to see if her parents had disowned her yet (there was nothing), and put enough makeup on to make her look refreshed and ready for a tour. After putting her last-minute bathroom items into a bag, she did one last check to make sure she had everything she needed. </p>
<p>With one final look at the apartment, she sighed. She didn’t know why, but she had a feeling like she was going to return to this apartment as a different person. With one hand on her necklace and the other holding a suitcase, she hoped that whatever she finds on this trip would bring her a resemblance of peace. </p>
<p>The cab was waiting for her outside. She was glad that the driver was not in the mood to chat. For once, neither was Shelby. Instead, she put her earphones in, started playing some Tegan and Sara, and watched as she passed by the city she now called her home. Growing up in Texas, she thought she would never leave her hometown. She didn’t know then how suffocating her home would be. At least in Philly, she could breathe. </p>
<p>Thanking the cab driver, she looked at the tour bus with an emotion she couldn’t really depict herself. The bus was rundown but fairly large. Somehow, for the next two months, she was going to have to make this bus her new home. It was a tall order, especially knowing that Toni Shalifoe was also going to live in it. </p>
<p>“How’s my favorite client?” Fatin greeted as Shelby approached the bus. </p>
<p>“Exhausted,” Shelby answered honestly. “But ready to get this beaut on the road. Where is everyone else? Am I the first one here?” </p>
<p>Fatin shook her head. “Nope. Almost everyone is in the Wawa across the street getting last-minute snacks. I suggest you do the same. I have a feeling like some people on the bus won’t be into sharing.” </p>
<p>Shelby snorted, knowing exactly what she meant. She dropped her luggage off at the bus and headed toward the Wawa. She thought people were joshing her when they asked her if she had gone to a Wawa when she first moved to Philly. She quickly learned, however, that Wawa was actually real and just one of those things that made Philly special and strange. </p>
<p>She could spot Martha immediately. The human form of sunshine was carrying a bag of marshmallows, a couple of bags of Takis, and a large bottle of Sprite. Shelby couldn’t help but grin at the scene of the poor girl trying to hold it all. Shelby took out her phone and snapped a picture. It was one of those kinds of things that Shelby wished she could burn into her memory. </p>
<p>“Shelby!” Martha shouted and ran to her, somehow still carrying everything. </p>
<p>“Woah there! Do you need help?” </p>
<p>Martha didn’t even have to answer. Shelby just grabbed some of the things out of her arms as Martha tried to give her a sort of hug. It was awkward, but Shelby appreciated it. It warmed her heart. </p>
<p>“I told Martha that we could help her,” Payne greeted as they approached them. “But she said that she had it. Maybe you’re just special.” </p>
<p>Following Payne was Leah, Rachel, Dot, and surprisingly Nora (who Shelby had no idea was joining them on the tour). The only person who seemed to be absent was Toni. Shelby felt a pit in her stomach. She wondered if Toni was still with the woman from last night. </p>
<p>As if she knew exactly what Shelby was thinking, Leah said, “Toni texted me. Said that she’s just picked up her shit from the apartment and that she’s on her way.” </p>
<p>Martha checked her phone and frowned. “She didn’t text me.” </p>
<p>“Don’t take it personally,” Rachel reassured her with a shrug. “Toni texted the one person least likely to be pissed at her.” </p>
<p>“Dude, you’re not even pissed,” Dot reminded them with a fake punch. “You were just as fucking excited as the rest of us to see her be interested in someone.” </p>
<p>Shelby kept trying to analyze what they meant by that. It was obvious to her that the band was glad that Toni had flirted and hooked up with someone. She didn’t quite understand why the band would be so excited about that. </p>
<p>“I can be pissed and overjoyed all at once, Dot,” Rachel retorted with an eye roll. “It’s called having depth.” </p>
<p>“I have literally never seen people more excited for their friend’s hook-up,” Payne stated bluntly with a snort. Shelby was glad that Payne said it since she couldn’t. “I mean, I’m sex positive and all that, but—” </p>
<p>“It’s not about the sex,” Martha interrupted, lowering her voice when she said the word ‘sex’ like she thought her parents could hear. “It has just been a long time since… since Toni has shown any interest in anyone. We’re proud of her.” </p>
<p>Payne nodded, seeming to be satisfied by that answer. Shelby, on the other hand, wasn’t. She wanted to know <em> more, </em>but she didn’t feel like it was her place to ask. Besides, she wasn’t sure she would get an answer even if she asked. It was obviously very personal and Martha, Rachel, Leah, and Dot were not the kind of people to gossip about their friend. Shelby considered talking to Fatin, but she knew Fatin would just have questions in return. Questions that Shelby was sure she wouldn’t want to answer.</p>
<p>She knew that the only healthy option for her was to pretend like she didn’t hear anything and didn’t have any questions. </p>
<p>“So, are y’all seein’ anyone?” Shelby asked the others, feeling like that was more of a comfortable topic than talking about someone who wasn’t there. </p>
<p>“Nope,” Dot answered first, without any hesitation. “Dating isn’t really my thing. Or maybe my experiences with dating have just been shitty. Either way, nah.” </p>
<p>Shelby noticed that Dot didn’t seem bummed about that. Leah and Rachel nodded along with her like they could relate. Shelby was pleasantly surprised. She was used to talking to people who were constantly obsessed with being in relationships that were usually toxic. </p>
<p>“I’m pretty much the same way,” Rachel said with a shrug. “I’ve never really had the time or emotional energy for it. It’s Nora who’s the romantic in the family.” </p>
<p>Nora lowered her head slightly. “I don’t know if I would say <em> that, </em>but I am in a relationship. It’s why I’m not going to be on the tour that long. It would be hard to be gone for that long, I think.” </p>
<p>“You two were really cute,” Payne told Nora with a smile. “I talked to Quinn for like ten minutes about walkmans. They seem really great.” </p>
<p>Nora nodded. “Quinn is, like, one of the only people who really sees me, you know? And I feel like that’s the most important thing.” </p>
<p>“Aw!” Martha squealed with joy. “That’s so cute! You two are literally goals. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. I really liked him, I did. I just think… I think we were good friends and didn’t really know the difference between that and a relationship.” </p>
<p>Shelby’s heart sank. She immediately thought about her. Becca was her best friend. Her confidant. The one person who Shelby thought loved her without any terms or restrictions. She wasn’t sure when that line between friendship and something more started to blur, but unlike with Martha, once it happened, they couldn’t go back. </p>
<p>“Well, perfect timing, if you really think about it,” Payne said with optimism that made Martha extremely happy. “Now you have no ties. You can do anything on this tour. There’s definitely freedom in that.” </p>
<p>Shelby knew that Payne wasn’t talking to her, but their words hit her square in the chest. Because she knew that being with this group on this tour meant that she didn’t have to hide all the things that she always felt like she had to hide. It was strange. She knew that, but she didn’t know how to convince herself to really believe it. To believe she was completely safe. </p>
<p>Martha was about to reply to them when someone familiar entered the Wawa. Toni Shalifoe swaggered into the convenience store wearing an oversized hoodie with a giant alien head in rainbow colors. Shelby wondered what it would be like to be as free as her.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Toni wasn’t rested and her body already felt sore.  Listening to Linh’s surprisingly good music didn’t even help. She was late for the beginning of her tour. It definitely wasn’t a cool move. </p>
<p>“Fuck,” she muttered under her breath after Martha sent a picture of her pile of Takis she was buying. “We should <em> not </em>have gone at it that last time.” </p>
<p>Linh raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to apologize for that?” </p>
<p>“No,” Toni replied and tried to exhale some of her agitation. “Fuck, sorry. It was great, it really was. I was just… caught up in the moment.” </p>
<p>“It happens.” </p>
<p>Toni didn’t get how she said it so simply. Toni was always stressed, always worried. She thought that those negative feelings lived inside of her. She didn’t get how people could always be so chill about the things that bothered her. She wasn’t going to say anything, though. Truth was, she already asked more from Linh than she should have. Toni would have gotten an Uber if she left Linh’s apartment at an appropriate time. Linh was at least kind enough to drive her to her apartment so she could grab her shit before dropping her off. </p>
<p>“So, I won’t be around for like… a couple of months.” </p>
<p>Linh chuckled and shook her head. “Toni, I’m just driving you to a location. I know what this is. I’m not hurt.” </p>
<p><em> Relief </em>flooded her system and she grinned when the next song started to play. ‘Bang Bang Bang Bang’ by Sohodolls wasn’t a song she heard very often, but when she did, she couldn’t help but feel excitement. She always wanted to do a cover of it, but she was worried about how it would be perceived. It definitely wasn’t the happiest song in the world. </p>
<p>She was glad that the song was finished by the time that Linh pulled up next to the tour bus. All Toni could see was Fatin out there, who was talking to someone on the phone. </p>
<p>“Thanks for this,” Toni muttered with a small smile, disgusted by her own awkwardness. “I’ll… uh… see you around, I guess.” </p>
<p>Linh rolled her eyes playfully. “See you around, Toni Shalifoe.” </p>
<p>Toni grabbed her two duffel bags and backpack before getting out of the tiny car. Fatin was smirking at her as she approached the bus, hanging up her phone call. Toni didn’t know what was worse. Her being pissed about her being late or whatever the hell this reaction was. </p>
<p>“I gotta give it to you, T,” Fatin said with a cheeky grin that Toni wished she could ignore. “She’s hot. So how was it? How many times did you two go at it? Please say more than four.” </p>
<p>Toni glared at her. “What makes you think that I would ever answer any of those questions, <em> F?” </em> </p>
<p>“Um,” Fatin said with a shrug, “because we’re totally friends. And more than anyone in that Wawa right now, I would understand and love to hear all the dirty details.” </p>
<p>She narrowed her eyes at her. “Just because you want to hear it doesn’t mean that I want to fucking tell it. Besides, do you even understand anymore? You haven’t had a one night stand in months and I think we both know why.” </p>
<p>Toni didn’t have to say that it was because of Leah. She knew that Fatin would know what she was talking about. Toni was tired of the two women dancing around each other. The sexual tension was killing her. </p>
<p>“Do you need anything from the Wawa?” Fatin asked her with a clenched jaw, completely ignoring everything she just said. “Even if you don’t, go make sure that the others aren’t buying out the entire store.” </p>
<p>Fatin was telling her to go away and Toni didn’t push her. She normally liked to push Fatin’s buttons, but she wasn’t going to do that when it came to Leah. As annoyed as she was that things were going so slowly between them, she knew that the two of them had a lot to work through. </p>
<p>Toni entered the Wawa to find everyone surrounding each other in the center of the store, Martha carrying the most amount of food. She was happily surprised to see Nora among them. Toni wasn’t sure if she would consider herself close to Rachel’s twin, but Nora was always easy to be around. </p>
<p>Shelby was avoiding all eye contact. She was staring down at her perfectly manicured fingernails. Toni felt confused. She knew that the blonde was uncomfortable last night, but she didn’t understand why she would agree to tour with a publicly queer rock band if she wasn’t okay with queer people. All Toni knew was what the look was. <em> Discomfort. </em></p>
<p>“Sorry I’m fucking late,” Toni apologized as she shuffled toward them, her hands in her jogger pockets. She tried to shake Shelby Goodkind out of her thoughts by talking. “I think I’m supposed to collect you—” </p>
<p>“How was your date?” Martha asked her, starting to jump up and down with excitement. “Was she nice? Did you get breakfast this morning? How—” </p>
<p>“Woah, Marty, that’s a lot of questions,” Toni interrupted a little nervously, overwhelmed by the number of people staring at her. “Can we, uh, talk about this later? Like not in a Wawa? I think we’re supposed to be getting on the road soon.” </p>
<p>Martha nodded with just as much enthusiasm. “Of course! It’s going to be a long drive to Virginia. Well, not that long, but still. We have plenty of time to talk.” </p>
<p>Toni tried to hide her grimace. She didn’t want to talk about it at all. Especially not with her best friend, who was only curious because she probably wanted to make sure she wasn’t obsessing about Regan, which she was trying very hard not to. </p>
<p>“Come on,” Leah stated calmly, “let’s pay for this shit and go.” </p>
<p>Toni smiled at her friend gratefully, knowing that the other lyricist was attempting to save her from awkwardness. Leah was one of those friends who could read her without Toni having to say anything. She noticed that Leah didn’t smile back. There was a darkness in her eyes (and below them) that worried her. Toni knew that she had to keep a close eye on her. A <em> very </em>close eye. She knew how fast Leah could start drowning in the darkness. She was going to have to talk to her when they were alone. </p>
<p>They all piled into the bus after paying. They met the bus driver, who was incredibly kind as she explained that she was actually a big fan of Shelby’s music. The old bus was tight on the inside. There weren’t enough beds for everyone on the bus, so Fatin announced to them that some of them had to double up. Martha volunteered for her and Toni to share one. Toni wasn’t very happy that Martha volunteered for the both of them without asking, but the situation as a whole didn’t piss her off too much. She was used to sharing a bed with Martha after years of spending nights at Martha’s house growing up. </p>
<p>Leah kept glancing at Fatin as if she wanted to share a bed with their manager, but Fatin wasn’t looking at her. She was still glued to her phone. More than usual. Toni knew something had to have happened between the two of them for Fatin to be so icy. </p>
<p>Toni’s eyes suddenly caught sight of the old green couch and she felt her breath escape her mouth. She was suddenly fourteen again and she was living in a trailer. With an old couple and their handsy son who just wouldn’t leave her alone. </p>
<p>“Toni?” </p>
<p>She felt a warm hand on her arm, but she quickly shoved it away. It felt like his hands. His dry and cracked hands that still gave her nightmares. </p>
<p>“Toni, are you okay?” </p>
<p><em> Martha. </em> She looked back at her best friend and expected to find a fourteen-year-old Martha. She was shocked to find her best friend older. And then it dawned on her. It all <em> fucking </em>dawned on her what the hell was happening. </p>
<p>Toni rubbed the back of her neck, which was sweatier than normal. “Yeah. Shit, I’m fine. Sorry. I dunno where I went just then.” </p>
<p>Everyone was staring at her (this time, Shelby included). Toni felt so naked. So fucking vulnerable all of a sudden. Like she was a helpless kid again. </p>
<p>“Are we going to get this show on the road or—” </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Dot agreed, being the first one to look away and head to the table along the center of the bus. “I know Martha brought Uno, but does anyone have any other ideas of what we could do?” </p>
<p>Slowly, one by one, others started to look away. Toni wanted to feel normal, she wanted to feel better. She forced herself to. She <em> had </em>to. </p>
<p>“May I suggest an icebreaker?” Shelby asked, with almost <em> too </em>much pep in her voice. </p>
<p>Toni clenched her jaw. “What, did you learn it in Youth Group?” </p>
<p>Shelby blushed slightly. “So what if I did?” </p>
<p>Toni shrugged. She didn’t really have a comeback. She was just surprised that Shelby said anything at all. </p>
<p>“I’m always down for an icebreaker!” Martha shouted with glee. “I haven’t done one of those in a while. College courses really stopped doing that after intro classes.” Payne nodded along with her like they agreed completely. </p>
<p>“I am too sober for this,” Fatin exclaimed with a sigh, “but for you all, I guess I will participate.” </p>
<p>Toni was just glad that she wasn't the only one who wasn’t interested. The rest of her band (and Nora) looked just as peeved with the idea of doing something so… juvenile. Toni hated the fucking games enough in high school. Forced bonding was never a good idea. She never thought icebreakers actually got people to know each other. From experience, she knew that shit always came naturally. </p>
<p>“What kind of icebreaker?” Dot asked, her eyes narrowed. </p>
<p>Shelby grinned at her cheerfully. “Good question, Dottie.” Toni’s eyebrows shot up. She was <em> not </em>expecting a nickname like that. Especially this soon. “I was thinkin’ about a classic. Something we can tweak for our own preference on how deep it gets.” </p>
<p>“Or how dirty,” Fatin added with a wink that made Dot smack her arm. </p>
<p>That did not seem to impress Shelby, however. “Well, we don’t have to ask anythin’ like that. At least, not this early. So, I was thinkin’. Truth or dare?” </p>
<p>Toni tried her hardest not to groan out loud. She hadn’t played the game since high school when she used to accompany Martha to lame parties. Usually, asshole kids just asked her personal questions about what it was like to be a lesbian. It was always uncomfortable. </p>
<p>“Suck it up,” Fatin commanded to no one in particular (it could have been directed at Rachel, Leah, or Toni). “We’re playing.” </p>
<p>Toni groaned out loud this time. She knew she was going to regret this.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Shelby was always learning things about the band. For one, she learned when she got on the bus that the band could read each other well. Shelby could also tell when Toni was having an intense moment, but it was the others who were able to pull her out of it and distract everyone else. Shelby tried to do her part by suggesting the icebreaker. Instead of saving Toni like she tried to, Toni seemed to think that it was punishment. </p>
<p>She also learned that the band wasn’t very curious about each other. Shelby couldn’t tell if it was because they all knew each other so well already or if they didn’t want to know anything about each other. Either way, they never asked each other intrusive questions, which was the whole point of the game. </p>
<p>“Dot, if you were a kind of muffin, what kind of muffin would you be?” Martha asked the drummer with a smile. </p>
<p>Dot barely had to think about it. “Lemon poppyseed. Nailed it.” Before even letting anyone have time to react, she turned to Leah, who had her head on Toni’s shoulder. “Leah. Truth or dare.” </p>
<p>“Truth.”</p>
<p>It wasn’t a surprise. On a moving vehicle, dares were pretty difficult. </p>
<p>“If you were, like, stuck on an abandoned island for six months, which person on this bus would you want to have with you? There is a right answer.” </p>
<p>Shelby guessed that Leah would pick Toni or Rachel, the two people that Shelby saw her interact with the most. </p>
<p>“Fatin,” Leah answered simply, surprising Shelby completely. “I would choose Fatin.” </p>
<p>Shelby watched as Fatin’s eyes widened. Tension filled the bus and Shelby was starting to get the feeling that there was something going on between the two of them. Something she had no knowledge about. She made a mental note to ask Martha about it later. </p>
<p>Dot grimaced. “Dude, that’s the worst pick. No offense, Fatin, but you’d be, like, the worst on an island. If anyone here has the skills to keep you alive, Leah, it’s me.” </p>
<p>Martha leaned over and whispered to Shelby, “Dot is like a serious watcher of survival reality shows. She watches all these shows about people surviving on islands or other crazy places. It’s really intense.” </p>
<p>Shelby nodded and added that to the information she was trying to memorize about Diogenes. </p>
<p>“Nora,” Leah called out, ignoring Dot completely. “Truth or dare?” </p>
<p>“Can we even do dares right now?” Nora asked as she lifted her head from staring down at a book. </p>
<p>Fatin looked horrified. “Um, of course. You just have to be creative.” </p>
<p>“Please pick truth,” Leah begged Nora. “I am not creative.” </p>
<p>“Truth.” </p>
<p>Leah sighed with relief. “What’s one of your television show guilty pleasures?” </p>
<p>“I don’t feel guilty about anything that I watch,” Nora said with a shrug. “But if I had to pick, I guess <em> The Great British Bake Off.”  </em></p>
<p>Everyone groaned simultaneously. Shelby got the feeling that her pick was not juicy enough. Shelby had to agree. She never met anyone who was ashamed that they watched that show. </p>
<p>“Literally everyone watches that show,” Dot said with the shake of her head. “I reject that answer.” </p>
<p>“You can reject the answer,” Nora replied, completely unaffected by their reactions. “But I’m not going to change my answer. Rachel, truth or dare?” </p>
<p>Rachel hummed like she was debating. “I would normally pick dare, but growing up with you I know you’re kind of a fucking sadist when you want to be. Truth.” </p>
<p>“Are you going to be mad at me the entire time that I’m here? You know that I wish I could be here for the entire tour, I just can’t.” </p>
<p>Shelby raised her eyebrows, feeling like she shouldn’t be here. It was the kind of personal question she didn’t think should be asked about so openly. Shelby was raised thinking that you shouldn’t spill your personal problems into other parts of your life and you definitely don’t confront the people you love in front of others. Shelby would have never been able to talk to her siblings that way. In front of others and just in general.</p>
<p>“I’m just confused, Nor,” Rachel answered with a frown. “At first, you wouldn’t fucking leave my side. Fuck, you wouldn’t leave me alone. And now? When I want you around, you just leave?” </p>
<p>“You want me around?” Nora asked her, her voice gentle and calm. “Why didn’t you just say that?” </p>
<p>Rachel responded with a shrug like it didn’t matter and then turned to Toni and asked, “Truth or dare, Shalifoe?” </p>
<p>Toni grinned at her, not shocked by the twin interaction at all. “Dare.” </p>
<p>The bassist rolled her eyes. “I shouldn’t have even asked. Okay, I dare you to lick Fatin’s face. From the chin all the way up to the tip of her nose.” </p>
<p>Shelby knew for sure she would never do a dare like that. Not only was it unhygienic, licking a woman’s face, as crude as it was, was too close to something else. Something she was terrified of. </p>
<p>Toni, on the other hand, didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. She got up and greeted Fatin with a wink, who just rolled her eyes and scrunched her face, only slightly disgusted. Toni put her hands on Fatin’s shoulders before licking her. Shelby had to look away. </p>
<p>“Damn, girl!” Rachel shouted with surprise. “You did not have to go all the way back down again!” </p>
<p>Shelby turned to watch as Toni returned back to her seat. “If I’m performing, I’m going to give a damn good show. Besides, Fatin was into it.” </p>
<p>Fatin snorted as she wiped her face off with a napkin. “Keep telling yourself that, Shalifoe. If you planted those lips on my lips or put your tongue <em> into </em>my mouth, it might have been a different story.” </p>
<p>“Next time,” Toni replied with laughter that everyone else shared as if this was normal Toni and Fatin behavior. But then Toni’s eyes landed on Shelby, catching her in the middle of her horror-stricken reaction. “Yo, Texas. Truth or dare?” </p>
<p>Shelby was already beet red when she was asked. Just thinking of being forced to kiss someone or do something else inappropriate, Shelby felt almost sick. The last time anyone had seen her do anything remotely similar to what Toni just did was too hard to even think about. </p>
<p>“Truth, I guess.” </p>
<p>Toni didn’t even have to think about it, apparently. “Do you hate gay people?” </p>
<p>Shelby thought she might have stopped breathing. Her whole body stilled. She was as silent as the rest of the group, who were all caught completely off guard. Shelby opened her mouth, but no words came out, even if she had words to say. Words like <em> no </em> and <em> my family does, but I don’t anymore. </em>She thought of even telling them how she was raised and the words drilled into her mind at a young age. She even wanted to even tell them that her worst nightmare was being asked if she was gay. </p>
<p>But she didn’t say anything. She didn’t say anything at all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. bad religion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The aftermath.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's the playlist:</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=yhbwq8klQ2aJuCfAcZOHrQ">https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47fRVIMYrVUZgDC40xcfom?si=yhbwq8klQ2aJuCfAcZOHrQ</a>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Her feelings boiled over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had been watching Shelby for weeks and started learning her mannerisms, her expressions, her movements. The night they met, Toni got strange vibes. She didn’t do anything about it then, giving the blonde the benefit of the doubt (though to be honest, she wasn’t doing it for Shelby at all). She let the thoughts and suspicions she had simmer. But after the vibes kept happening, after Shelby repeatedly looked uncomfortable and bothered by sapphic affection, Toni couldn’t hold it in anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her feelings boiled over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The couch and resurfacing of traumatizing memories didn’t help. It made her tense, sensitive to anything that could resemble a threat. She had that vulnerability she felt when she was a young teenager desperately terrified of people finding out that she was gay and what they would do if they found out. It made her feel almost unsafe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her feelings boiled over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The question was a shield if anything. She didn’t really think through what would happen when she blurted it, but what she was thinking about was how she was tired of not trusting the people around her. She felt like she had to protect herself and her friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni thought that Shelby’s silence said enough, though it wasn’t exactly what she expected. She was expecting the Texan to get defensive and explain her hatred through bible verses. The silence was almost worse than that because Toni had no idea what the blonde was really thinking. She had no idea how much the blonde actually hated her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby’s not… Toni… how can you ask that?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni’s eyes were suddenly drawn away from Shelby and she found Martha’s eyes, which were watering and wide like she was horrified. Toni looked around and found mixed reactions in general. Rachel, Dot, and Leah were all staring at Shelby like they were still waiting for her to say something. Like they wanted Shelby to prove Toni wrong. Payne covered their mouth and stared at the table blankly. Fatin’s jaw was dropped like she didn’t know what the hell to do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because, Marty, just look at her! She can’t even deny it! I’ve seen her fucking flinch too many times for it to not mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>something.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha shook her head over and over again. “No. No, I don’t believe it. Shelby, just tell her. I’m sure if you just explain—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby interrupted her by standing up. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Instead of explaining herself, she ran to the bathroom in the back of the bus. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit,” Payne exclaimed and stood up. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I’m going to try to talk to her. Fuck.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne ran to the bathroom, cursing under their breath, and then there was more silence. Martha was crying and Nora wrapped her arms around her, trying to comfort her. Rachel was fuming on the one side of Toni and Leah was staring at the floor with sadness on the other. Dot looked like she was in the middle of emotions like she didn’t know what to feel. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Fatin stated and cracked her knuckles. “Okay, I need to think this through. I need to think… shit. Do you all feel comfortable with performing with her tonight? I think that’s the first thing we need to decide.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How did you not know this?” Rachel asked Fatin, obviously upset about the situation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s not point any fingers at anyone right now—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin interrupted Leah and said, “I don’t know. It didn’t fucking come up. Honestly, I just got the feeling that she was just… lost. I didn’t think anything of it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t blame Fatin. Fuck, she thought there was even a small part of her that was disappointed. Not just because she wanted this tour to work out, but because she didn’t want Shelby to hate her or the rest of the band. She didn’t want anyone to feel that hate that Toni experienced so frequently when she was younger.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s do the concert tonight,” Dot announced with a shrug. “Fuck it, you know? We play a massive show. We make the best of a fucking bad situation. Then we decide what we do after.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one argued with Dot’s plan. Toni was just glad that someone decided for them. She didn’t think anyone else had the emotional capacity to be making a decision like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had an answer (kind of), but Toni felt like shit. She thought having an answer would make her feel relieved. It was just like when she was younger and throwing the first punch (literally and figuratively) so that she could control the situation. She hated surprises. Because surprises always meant pain she didn’t expect. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The surprise was gone, now, but for some reason, Toni felt just as bad as before. There was no relief. She just hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All of them silently turned to their own devices. Leah and Nora started reading, Fatin returned to her phone to do who knows what, Martha watched her comfort show, and Rachel and Toni listened to their own music. Toni knew that Julien Baker couldn’t solve all of her problems, but that didn’t stop her from listening to her almost religiously when she felt like complete shit.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby grew up thinking that everyone thought the same way she did. She thought her parents were like all parents. She thought every kid memorized verses of the bible, went on mission trips, and sang with their church choir. Every other kid in the community was like her. She figured everyone else on the planet had to be too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Growing up in a community that only voiced things in an echo chamber, she had no idea that there were other views out there. She could remember other members of her church warning the kids about others who weren’t God-fearing. Shelby felt sad for them because she felt special, protected, and loved. She couldn’t imagine </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>having that feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was when she was older did she realize that God felt more like a monitor than a savior. She was in middle school when she was first introduced to social media and people who had wildly different views than her. They scared her, at first. She was told that the views that were different than those that were drilled into her were dangerous. But the scariest thing of all might have been YouTube. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At first, it happened by accident. She was looking up videos of cheerleaders before her freshman year audition. The title of one of the videos, </span>
  <em>
    <span>But I’m a Cheerleader, </span>
  </em>
  <span>seemed harmless. But she found herself watching a clip of Megan and Graham (she learned their character names later when she watched the entire movie three times, definitely </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>by accident) kissing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby closed the tab, deleted the google search history, and felt nauseous for the rest of the day. It wasn’t like her parents ever mentioned queer people, but Shelby absorbed everything that her community espoused. And she knew exactly what her father and other members of the church were doing for Kyle, who had been looked at by his community as an outsider. Shelby watched as people, including his own family, treated him like he had the plague. And then he went away. For months. And when he came back, people pretending like things were normal, but even Shelby knew that things weren’t normal and that they would never look at him the same way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second time it happened, it wasn’t an accident. She had a dream about kissing her classmate, Kayla Ryder, and all she could think about was that scene from that movie. So she watched it again. And at three in the morning, she found herself watching clip after clip of scenes of women kissing other women. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It made her feel dirty. Wrong. Because she knew if her family ever found out, they would look at her like they looked at Kyle. But she knew she couldn’t hide it from God. So it stopped. And she vowed that she would spend her life making up for that moment of insanity. Of sin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she was fifteen and sixteen, she acted like she never looked up scenes of women kissing. She said all the right things. She talked about liking all the right male actors and fellow male students, but she never had to go into detail. When boys pressured her into situations she didn’t want to be in, she blamed it on her vow of abstinence and on the monitor she now feared. It was actually a good excuse when she thought about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Becca threw a wrench in all of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And still, she ruined it with Becca. Just like she ruined things with the band. Because all she could ever think about was Kyle, the way everyone abandoned him, and the conversation she had with her father about him. It had been years, but she still couldn’t let it go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby…” Payne greeted as they opened the door to the tiny bathroom. “What’s going on? I know you… I know you’re not a hateful person.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not!” Shelby cried out and wiped away her tears. “I’m not. You know I’m not.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That didn’t seem to completely reassure Payne. “I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming. Please don’t tell me there’s a ‘but’ coming.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words were like sludge in the back of her throat. They hurt and burned. Out of everyone in her life, she knew that she could open up to Payne. Payne was always a judgment-free zone, but for some reason, knowing that didn’t make it any easier. She couldn’t say it, just like she couldn’t sing those certain few songs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She almost said it once to Becca. Before the denial and the rage and her worst moments. She almost said them. And then her dad talked to her like he somehow </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>what was going on in her mind. And even now, she could hear them. She felt like he was behind her, whispering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope you know how much your mother and I love you, Shelbs. It’s why we have to tell you about Becca. Sweetie, her parents told us that she’s… she’s like Kyle. But unlike him, she refuses help and our guidance. She refuses the Lord, Shelby. And we cannot have someone like that in our home. You understand, don’t you? We cannot stand for </span>
  </em>
  <span>that </span>
  <em>
    <span>in this home. It’s not out of hatred, I don’t hate anyone, you know that. It’s just… we cannot let </span>
  </em>
  <span>that </span>
  <em>
    <span>into our home. And you cannot sing with her anymore, alright, darlin’?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby?” Payne asked after beats of long silence. “Shelby, look at me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t want to, but Payne crouched down in a certain way so that they were looking at her directly. Shelby tried to avoid eye contact, but she couldn’t. Not with Payne trying to see her the way they were.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t…” Shelby tried to say, but every word hurt as it roared out of her throat. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Payne. I just… I don’t hate anyone.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Payne replied softly and wrapped their arms around Shelby. “I know you don’t. I know, Shelby. I know.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know what exactly Payne knew, but she guessed that by the hug, Payne understood. She didn’t know how, but they just did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She cried into their shoulder, wishing she just had the courage to say what she wanted to say, what she </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to say, but she just couldn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m s-sorry,” Shelby apologized and wiped her eyes as they pulled apart. “I ruined everything. I ruined the tour. I—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t do that,” Payne commanded firmly as they put their hands on Shelby’s shoulders to steady her. “I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but you should not be sorry, okay? Look, I’ll go talk to Toni. We can figure this—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t leave,” Shelby pleaded and grabbed Payne’s hand as they stood up. “Please don’t go.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne nodded and squeezed her hand. “Okay, I won’t go. It won’t be too long until we’re at our destination anyway, okay? We’ll figure this out. We’ll get through this, Shelby. I’m sure of it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby wasn’t sure if she believed them, but she wanted to. God, she wanted to.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Payne and Shelby emerged from the bathroom when they arrived at the venue they were performing at and the first thing that Toni noticed was how much the blonde had been crying. Her cheeks were still red and her eyes were all puffy. Toni wanted to be angry at her. She wanted to want her to feel shitty, but at the sight of Shelby’s obvious emotional wreckage, Toni just felt like an asshole. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Payne opened their mouth to say something, but Fatin interrupted with the announcement: “We’re going to do this sound-check, we’re going to get ready for this concert, we’re going to perform, and then we’re going to talk, alright?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t argue. She didn’t really have the heart to say anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Like zombies, all of them headed into the venue. The venue was less grungy than their last, without a bar, but with seating. Toni guessed that it was set up for more indie and country artists. Without any energy, they set up the stage, practiced a few songs, and ate bland sandwiches. There was no excitement, nothing that resembled energy. Toni wasn’t even sure if this performance was going to be any good. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As the band headed to one of the dressing rooms, Toni realized she had to do something. Even if she knew that she had to accuse Shelby to get to the truth, she knew she was the reason why everything was so fucked up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, guys, I’m sorry,” Toni apologized as the four of them huddled around. “I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have said something so fucking bluntly and definitely not before a performance.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel shook their head. “No. You did what you had to do, Shalifoe.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot just frowned. “I’m just fucking sad, you know? Like, it’s not like we immediately clicked or anything like that, but I didn’t think… I just figured she had to be queer-friendly if she was okay with performing with us.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was Fatin who suggested us,” Leah reminded them. “It wasn’t exactly Shelby’s choice. She might have not even known she could say no.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or,” Rachel added with a sigh, “she’s one of those people who thinks she’s okay with queer people until she really has to interact with them, you know? I think we’ve all had our fair share of interactions with those kinds of people.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leah snorted darkly. “You mean my mother?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Exactly,” Rachel nodded. “Fatin probably had no clue.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shook her head. “Look, we shouldn’t even guess what her deal is. I think we should go all fucking out for this show. Especially if this is our last one for this tour. Let’s give it everything we got.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Agreed,” Dot said with a fierce nod. “What do you want to play?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shrugged. “Our gayest and saddest shit.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They wrote their setlist on a napkin before changing their clothes. Zero fucks was the vibe they were going for. With Toni and her leather pants (it was so fucking hot but she didn’t care) and her rainbow bra, Dot and her Hawaiian shirt that if you looked closely had the word ‘gay’ all over the place, Rachel and their baseball cap with both the lesbian and non-binary flags, and Leah and her converse that was painted with the bi flag colors and a jean jacket with more queer buttons attached to it than Toni could count. It was possibly the tackiest thing Toni had ever seen before since they weren’t about to go to a pride parade or a gay bar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We look stupid,” Rachel frowned when they all looked in the large mirror. “I hope we’ll be laughed at, but I think people are just going to have straight-up fucking pity for us.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have never seen you wear those pants,” Leah commented and looked Toni up and down. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni smirked at her. “Hot, right? At least, I better look hot. I feel like I can barely move. Besides, it’s too late to change our minds.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We just gotta have confidence,” Dot added and nudged Rachel playfully. “They can’t make fun of us if we feel good about this.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rachel shook her head. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>feel good about this. I mean, I can’t be the only one who has a feeling this place doesn’t attract our kind of people. Did you see the looks we got from the owners of this place?.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, then let’s pretend to have confidence.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni nodded, trying to not let Rachel’s words get to her. “Dot’s right. We gotta pretend. Or, you know what, fuck that. We deserve to enjoy this. Fuck everyone else.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They repeated ‘fuck everyone else’ before they left the dressing room only to find Fatin outside of their door. When Fatin saw them, her eyebrows shot straight up. Toni enjoyed the reaction immensely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you starting a spontaneous pride parade?” Fatin asked them, a small smile forming from her lips. She avoided looking at Leah, though. “Were you even going to invite me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dot smacked Fatin on the arm. “We’re going for it, man.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or we have officially lost it,” Leah added in a murmur. “Or both.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin shrugged like she wasn’t bothered with it in the slightest. “You all look adorable. Now go out there. Before I feel the sudden urge to put glitter all over my face.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni grinned. They ran out onto the stage and immediately, Toni knew the audience was different than the one in Philly. It was less diverse. More… suburban. She could hear all the comments already. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Who the hell are they?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We get it, you’re gay. Like, why do they think they have to be this… public about it.”  </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let’s hope they finish quickly. I already hate them.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sexuality should be kept in the bedroom, it shouldn’t be out in the open. It’s disturbing. I hope there aren’t any children here to see this.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All the comments were ones that Toni had heard before. Countless times. Toni wished that it got easier over time, and maybe it did in the way that she was used to it, but that didn’t mean the words didn’t sting. The words didn’t scare her, though, even if they made her feel shitty. They were going to play the setlist as planned. Exactly as planned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They started with the song ‘Vixen,’ a song in the perspective of a pirate who wants to be seduced by a siren. It was one of those songs that she and Leah started to write as a joke, but it ended up being a great song. It was more punk than a lot of the other songs she performed the previous night and the reaction seemed to be a strange mix of positive and negative. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite some of the negative outrage, they continued. They played ‘Feel the Same’ and ‘Circles,’ two songs that could really piss off an audience. She heard boos after ‘Circles.’ From the men, of course. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Playing a song they hadn’t practiced in a while, they sang ‘Michelle,’ a very gay song that Leah had written when she was a teenager. It was slower than almost all of their songs, but somehow it fit right in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Banquet’ was still the perfect cover. Toni loved singing it and thought she would never get tired of it. Leah joined in with her this time in more of a duet. They pretended like they were singing the song to each other. Especially with the outro of the song. She bet at least seven soccer moms gasped during the performance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> ‘Suffocation’ was an intense song, but Toni had so much fun bouncing and dancing around the stage. It was a song that Toni had written in high school that Leah had helped her perfect. She liked the teen angst aspect of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the last song, they did a rock cover of ‘Boyfriend’ by Tegan and Sara. It sounded nothing like the original, but there was no way Toni was going to tour without doing a Tegan and Sara song. She wanted to sing it just in case it was their last performance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they finished, she heard some people shouting with excitement and others with anger. Toni wished that the screamed slurs didn’t hurt as much as they did. Sometimes she felt like as much as things in society progressed, she couldn’t escape the hate. It felt overwhelming how much she felt smothered by misguided views.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As they returned backstage, Toni found herself face to face with the blonde Texan, who quickly avoided all of them as she and Payne passed by. Payne was standing by Shelby’s side and they weren’t looking at her with anger or annoyance. It confused Toni. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi there,” Shelby greeted the audience as she fixed her guitar strap. “I just gotta say one thing before I start. To all of y’all who thought it was okay to shout offensive rhetoric at the openin’ band, I suggest you leave now. You aren’t welcome here.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You aren’t welcome here. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Toni didn’t understand. Her mind was racing. She didn’t understand Shelby Goodkind in the slightest and it completely threw her off. Her chest started to hurt and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feeling the urge to break something, she darted toward the exit and was glad to see that no one decided to follow her. She felt like lashing out. She didn’t like feeling this way. It was easier to hate Shelby than whatever she felt for her right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Outside, as she leaned against the brick building in the alleyway, she thought she would feel better, but she just didn’t. She couldn’t stop thinking about every single interaction she had with the blonde Texan. She wanted to make sense of it all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aren’t you the girl who just sang?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni turned her head to find someone else standing there. She saw the puff of smoke before she saw his face. He was one of those people who looked like they were almost an empty canvas. Boring. Average. Unassuming. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Depends,” Toni answered with a shrug. “On whether or not you think I was shit.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laughed and shook his hand. “I took my boyfriend to this concert. He wanted to see Shelby Goodkind. Let me tell you, I was not expecting the opening band to be so…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. I admire the hell out of you all for dressing like that here. This isn’t the most progressive town in the world.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni snorted. “Yeah, no shit. Actually, can I get one of those?” She pointed to his cigarette, regretting it the second she asked. She hadn’t smoked since she decided she was going to give this band thing a real shot. But she was anxious as hell and she wanted something to alleviate it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wordlessly, he lit a cigarette for her and passed her one. She hated how it calmed things down for a second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you don’t like Shelby Goodkind?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rapidly shook his head. “Nope. I mean, she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span> and all that, but I know that my boyfriend likes her because she’s religious but she’s not preachy, you know? And unlike me, my boyfriend has been able to reconcile his religion and his sexuality. It’s harder for me to be in there.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni nodded, understanding completely. “I’ve heard that shit is hard. I’m sorry, man.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Que será será, right?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She used to hate that fucking phrase. But somehow, tonight, she didn’t mind it.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know what made her say it. There was a part of her for sure that wanted to prove to the band that she wasn’t what they thought she was. She knew that she wasn’t actually confessing anything, but hoped that maybe it would convince them that she wasn’t a complete bigot. Because despite everything, she still wanted to continue this tour. And she wanted Diogenes to open for her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t the best she ever performed. Her mind was elsewhere. She went back and forth between visualizing the band’s reaction, thinking about Toni, and remembering Becca. And if that wasn’t enough, she kept thinking she saw her dad in the audience. It wasn’t him, but it terrified her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She still put on a smile. She could always put on a smile if she had to. She learned that skill when she was young. Too young. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second she was done performing, she raced backstage. Fatin found her before anyone else. Fatin grabbed her hands and stared at her. Shelby felt like her manager was looking into her soul. It was almost uncomfortable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fatin—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shelby, go see Toni. She’s outside. Please.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fatin was pleading with her and Shelby knew why. She knew that they had a chance to keep this tour together. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shelby made things right with Toni. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was scared as she walked toward the exit. She didn’t know what was going to happen. She just knew she had to do something. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second she opened the back door, she smelled it first. The smoke. She hated the smell and was surprised to see the cigarette smoke coming from Toni. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby blurted without thinking, “You smoke?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni swiveled around with a raised eyebrow. “Seriously? That’s the thing you want to say to me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gulped and shook her head. “Toni—” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you’re that curious, I only smoke when I’m stressed. It doesn’t matter how much time fucking passes, Princess. Being judged, being heckled at for loving who I love… it still hurts.” She dropped the cigarette and crushed it with her foot. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby stared down at the cigarette, feeling abnormally chilly. She didn’t know what to say, completely caught off guard that Toni had revealed something so personal. She didn’t know if she should try to comfort her or try to relate or… she just didn’t know. She wanted to shout two words at the top of her lungs, but she didn’t think she could do it. She was terrified of what would happen if she did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You surprise me,” Toni added after several beats of silence. “I mean, mostly you just confuse the hell out of me, but there’s surprise in there.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t know what the brunette meant by that. “You hate me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shrugged. “Don’t you hate me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gulped. This was her opening. This was her chance to make things alright again. Or, maybe not alright, but better. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Toni,” she told her honestly with a sigh. She looked up into Toni’s eyes and realized that she really did look startled. “I don’t. I don’t even a little bit, even though you aren’t always the most welcomin’. Good Lord, I know what you think about me. But I—Toni, you have to understand. I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>homophobic. I don’t know how to prove it to you, but I’m just—I’m not. I… I… Shit. I can’t say it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t know when tears started falling down her cheeks, but once they started, she didn’t think they would stop. She tried to wipe them away as fast as they came, but Toni saw them. And her entire facial expression changed in an instant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni looked soft. Gentle, almost. She opened her mouth to say something, but she quickly closed her mouth. Shelby wasn’t dense. She knew what Toni wanted to say, but didn’t for the sake of Shelby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, she whispered, “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby knew at that moment that Toni not only </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but she also understood. Somehow, despite what her father always threatened, Shelby suddenly felt a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>less</span>
  </em>
  <span> alone in the world.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading! If you wanna find me on twitter, I'm @unsinkablegayt</p></blockquote></div></div>
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